Top Chef All-Stars - The Envelope Please And For Mike, Blood Is Only Thicker Than Water When It’s Convenient

Top Chef All-Stars Last Supper

The finale of Top Chef All Stars is tomorrow. Gosh, it feels as if we’ve been watching this season for ages!

The three remaining chefs, Antonia, Mike and Richard have to pick through a season of Quickfire horrors to decide what their last Quickfire dish will be. Because Mike won the last Elimination Challenge, he gets to choose first.

He picks Antonia to cook a dish only from canned foods. Antonia picks Richard to make a dish from hot dogs and hot dog accoutrements. And Richard, for some reason, gives Mike a one pot challenge, which is the easiest of the lot.

As they’re cooking, Padma comes in and throws a wrench in the works. They each will have one horrible thing added to the way they can cook their dish. It shakes out like this – Mike can use no utensils or tools; Richard can only use one hand; and Antonia has Carla tied to her and each of them can use only one hand. Mike is the least affected, since his dish was mostly finished.

Padma and Wolfgang Puck, the guest judge, come back to taste. Wolfgang says Antonia’s coconut curry soup has strong flavors, but good balance.

Richard in his usual over-achieving way, made a curried wurst AND bread AND ketchup. Wolfgang looks at it and says he could feed it to his kids. Richard looks crushed, but actually he meant it in a good way.

Mike’s braised pork shoulder with black beans is a bit tough, but again Wolfgang likes the balance. And Mike is the winner. He gets $5000 from Terlato Wines.

They move on to the Cloisters. For a minute I thought I missed the part where they went back to New York, and they went to the Cloisters in the Bronx. No, not exactly.

THESE Cloisters are at the “one and only” Ocean Club. The Bronx Cloisters are impressive with gorgeous views of the George Washington Bridge and the Hudson River, but the Cloisters in the Bahamas are breathtaking.

Speaking of the Bronx, check this out and stay out of the way of any stray cobras! 

There they are met by Morimoto, Wolfgang Puck and Michelle Bernstein. The chefs’ Elimination Challenge is to create a last supper for these chefs based on their favorite foods. Mike as the Quickfire winner AGAIN gets to choose who gets whom. He chooses Morimoto for Antonia. Of course, he does. Here’s where their cousinhood means nothing (I’m not saying it should) and he probably is assuring her elimination.

He chooses Michelle Bernstein for himself and Richard gets Wolfgang. Mike says (to us) that he wants to compete in the finals against the best and he thinks Richard is the best.

It’s not that I think that Mike and Richard are so much better than Antonia, but Morimoto’s dish is obviously going to be the hardest, because it’s Japanese and much more alien to them.

Before the chefs confer, Padma says there’s one more “final surprise” in the envelope that she’s holding, which won’t be revealed until the next night. 

Wolfgang tells Richard he would want his last meal to be goulash, spätzle and apple strudel. Michelle wants fried chicken, biscuits and gravy. Whoo-hoo, how tough! NOT! And Morimoto tells Antonia that he wants rice, which has to picked through grain by grain, miso soup, pickles and sashimi. Good luck to her! She has one huge problem when the hamachi she was about to use is slimy and rancid. That’s not good. Wisely, she substitutes tuna.

Here are the dishes. They are tasted by the usual crew of judges - Tom, Gail and Padma. Plus these latest three chefs - Michelle Bernstein, Wolfgang and Morimoto – are there. AND Padma introduces Melanie Dunea, who wrote “The Last Supper”, where she interviewed FIFTY chefs about their last suppers.

Morimoto likes Antonia’s rice which was really the hardest element, but thinks her miso is salty. Tom says most Japanese food is very subtle, but hers is really highly spiced…TOO highly spiced.

Michelle is super happy with Mike’s reinterpretation of chicken and gravy. Instead of the biscuit he did an empanada. Morimoto says his white meat is dry. Tom doesn’t understand why he sous-vided the chicken first and THEN battered and fried it, because the batter kind of fell off.

Richard’s apple strudel came out amazingly well and Wolfgang says even his mother would have approved of this meal.

At the end of the meal, after much give and take between all the diners, the three chefs are told that Judges’ Table is taking place there and then. Michelle tells Mike that except for the chicken not being completely juicy and the breading falling off a bit, the dish would have been perfect. (Aren’t those kind of major things?)

Wolfgang says Richard got the flavors so right on, although the spätzle was tough.

Morimoto tells Antonia that her miso soup was salty, but that her food was very interesting.

Tom almost immediately says Richard will be cooking in the finale. Then Padma tells Antonia and Mike that only one of them will be moving on. And she asks them if they remember the envelope. Oy, what now? There are still more than 15 minutes left.

Padma hands the envelope to Antonia to open. She reads a card that says there is one more challenge left. Then Tom says they have 45 minutes to go back into the kitchen and make the judges one bite. The winner will move on to the final.

Not that I don’t think that’s an okay challenge, but I hate how they have these marathons of cooking, where the chefs give it their all, only to have to cook more. Then it becomes as much a physical challenge as a mental and skill-based one.

Mike’s dish was a well-prepared Caribbean lobster and beef tartare little taste. Antonia’s was a well-spiced, super flavorful grouper in a coconut lobster broth.

They go around the table, saying which dish they prefer. (The chefs aren't there.) 3 of them prefer Mike’s and 3 of them prefer Antonia’s with Wolfgang yet to speak.

Wolfgang says that he’d still be thinking of Antonia’s dish the next day, while Mike’s dish was technically prepared perfectly. We're left hanging during a commercial. And who wins? Mike. They can justify it somewhat, but Mike definitely didn’t walk away with it.

So in the end, the producers got exactly who they wanted in the finale and Richard finally gets the chance to redeem himself (in HIS eyes) and take the big prize. But will he? I’m not sure, because Mike is certainly on a roll and will do anything to win.

Top Chef All Stars - Beached and Battered

Top Chef All-Stars Island Sun

Still in the Bahamas, the four remaining chefs get up early to head to the next challenge. Richard is wearing the strangest hat I’ve ever seen. It’s a woolen knit cap with a visor and it’s purple! Plus there’s something white sticking out of it, which looks weird. A label? A bandage? Maybe it’s a secret drawing of a recipe that’s he’s trying to keep hidden from Mike.

        

The chefs get to the kitchen of the Bahamian Club at the Atlantis and there’s Padma with Lorena (It’s all about the love) Garcia, the judge from America’s Next Great Restaurant. (Shall we simply call her Lorena IAATL?)

Padma tells the chefs that the Quickfire is about consistency and precision. “A great chef makes (a) dish exactly the same EVERY time,” she says. The chefs nod.

In teams of two (so that makes 2 teams), they have to make 100 identical servings of their dish and Padma and Lorena (IAATL) Garcia will pick random plates and then compare them for consistency. Shouldn’t the chefs’ dishes be consistent anyway… without making such a big deal of it? And how will they choose ONE winner? Oh, the winning team splits $5000. They have one hour. THAT would be the major roadblock to me.

Mike says the guys are the favored ones. Obviously, they’ll lose.

Mike is making pasta. Richard is making a Bolognese. The gals are making a beef salad. Just setting out 100 plates takes a LONG time.

Richard patronizingly describes the other team’s dish as “slice and serve”. The guys are SO losing.

Padma and Lorena (IAATL) come back into the kitchen and pick 2 numbered plates from each team.

Padma says their dishes look consistent. This is slightly dumb.

Lorena (IAATL) asks how the guys portioned their dishes. WAIT FOR MIKE’S ANSWER. IT’S A GOOD ONE! He says…HE SAYS (this is important) that they portioned the pasta and sauce with…READY?!!...A SERVING SPOON!!! The guys look like they’re holding back smirks. I, however, don’t have to hold back mine.

What the hooey difference does it make HOW they served the friggin’ thing? If they had been making cookies, then, yes, an ice cream scoop, for example, is a good thing to use to get uniform-sized cookies. But the fact that they used a simple spoon - and Lorena (IAATL) acts as if, yes, that was exactly the right tool to use - is laughable!!!

They move on to Antonia and Tiffany. (I’d bet MY serving spoon that they will be the winners.) Padma says, “These PLATES seem to look very similar…which is good.” Yes, I would say that’s good, since that’s what the challenge was! Is it me or is this sounding really inane?

Obviously, no matter how many dishes a chef is making, they should look the same. They’re acting as if this is a novel concept.

Lorena likes that the slices of meat are the same size. Well, if they weren’t, the plates wouldn’t look alike, would they?

Mike remarks to us that he could have done the gals’ dish by himself, while he sent Richard to the store for a six-pack. And the winners are…Tiffany and Antonia.  Duh! Winning! (Sorry, that was just pure and simple pandering.) The guys are mad.

They are going off on a boat to an island for their Elimination Challenge, which is to create a lunch menu to celebrate the 80th anniversary of the Nassau Yacht Club. (Yawn.)

The theme, Padma says, is deserted island. Richard immediately thinks of Lord of the Flies and that maybe they will have to catch a wild boar and kill it. Lorena Love (I shortened it) says they must incorporate conch into their dishes. Mike tells us he practiced with conch before he came out to the Bahamas and that it’s very difficult to work with. Richard says he has 20 pounds of conch in his freezer. (Boy, will he be unhappy to come home to THAT if he loses Top Chef!)

Next we see Padma in a bikini (with a translucent wrap), that they’ve been promo-ing all over the place. They leave for the island, not knowing anything about the kind of equipment they’re going to have.

Mike is trying to stay “Cool, calm and collective.” He is the least collective person there. When they get off the boat, they have to jump into four feet of water and run to the beach to open the boxes that are lying there. There are various ingredients and in the box labeled conch are snorkels and flippers. They realize they have to catch their own. Tiffany has never snorkeled before. I admit I would have given up.

I can’t see if they’ve been given spears or GUNS or nets. Antonia is catching hers in a net. The others have nets, as well. Tiffany can’t figure out how to use the snorkel so she goes freestyle. They all manage to catch some. That is amazing.

They have no electricity, no gadgets, and no liquid nitrogen, Richard says. This whole thing would be fun if they were off for a day on a deserted island and if $200,000 weren't riding on it. They have wood grills. They have to bang the conch shells open. Again, this would be great on a normal day. Mike puts the conch in their shells in boiling water for a second to loosen them up.

THIS is what I hate. They’ve spent all this time risking life and limb to CATCH the things, and THEN they have to shell them. Tiffany whoops it up when she pulls ONE conch out of the shell.

Padma and the judges arrive with the Yacht Club hotsy totsies. There follows a fascinating discussion about the reign of the Yacht Club King…or Commodore in sailing parlance.

This is shaping up to be every bit as illuminating as last week’s elimination challenge, which is to say, not compelling at all. The setting is spectacular, but the convo at the table is dim.

Okay, this is weird. Richard is plating up; he’s ready to go. And like a soldier bidding farewell to his family before going off to war, he says. “Mikey, I love you. Antonia, I love you.” EXCUUUSSSE ME, what about Tiffany? She HAS to be there. They’re on the same tiny stretch of beach on a deserted island. It’s just strange. Tiffany IS in the background.

Padma introduces Richard to the Commodore, his wife and “ALL their friends” she says. There are 8 people there, besides the judges. Two of them are the Commodore and his wife. That leaves 6. Hmm. This is all so odd. If they start talking about stamp collecting (no offence to any philatelists), I’m turning this off. That’s how riveting this is.

Lorena Love (LL) thinks Richard’s conch is undercooked. One of the Commodore’s (few) friends says they eat it that way in the islands and that it’s good, byatch! I’m just trying to liven things up.

The King of Commodores likes the mushroom with the conch. Poor Tom is confused and thinks he’s actually eating pasta, when it’s really ribbons of sweet potato. LL also thinks it’s pasta. Padma and Gail are in the know and realize it’s sweet potato. Whew! I’m glad that’s settled.

Oh wow, one of the friends is a sailfish champion. I’m not sure if that means he’s a sailor or a fisherman, but congrats! It’s getting windy and the clouds are darkening. That’s not good.

Antonia is next with her seared snapper and conch ceviche. The Bahamians turn out to be spice devils and LOVE her highly seasoned food. Tom, though, is not impressed with how small the conch is cut. He says you don’t know it’s really conch. And he adds, grumpily, that his fish is overcooked. He points to his neighbor and says his looks UNDERcooked. I think Antonia MAY be cooked too.

Tiffany is serving coconut chowder. The folks can’t figure out if it’s supposed to be hot or not. It’s not Tiffany’s fault that the fire couldn’t get really hot and the weather turned suddenly.  Oy, now I think it’s going to be her going home.

Gail is chatting up the sailor fish guy. Sorry, sailfish guy. Oh, I think a sailfish IS a boating apparatus of some kind.

Mike is next with his banana leaf-wrapped grouper. There’s one Englishman at the table who is very knowledgeable. He feels the fish is overwhelmed by the pineapple. Tom is grumpy (again) about the addition of butter. He just doesn’t understand why Mike would add BUTTER.

Gail likes his dish, referring to him as Michael numerous times. She’s trying to sound a bit yacht-clubbish. I think it would be funny to be there with all those stiffs and tawk Brooklynese and really play that up. Stiff or not, I’m sure they’re all perfectly nice.

Padma thanks them again for “allowing them to celebrate” with them. Oy! As soon as the cameras leave, the yachtsters will probably bring out the Goombay Smashes and get started limboing on the beach before they skinny dip with the conches.

Alright, I think it will be Tiffany. And how can there be EIGHTEEN minutes left? Oh, because they have some nonsense with the chefs figuring out who would be whom from Gilligan’s Island. Mike is the skipper (big and fat); Richard is the professor (smart); Tiffany is Ginger (no reason) and Antonia is Marianne. (Again, no reason).

Oh, we have so much time left because of the Top Chef Masters commercial, which seems to be more about the judges (including James Oseland) and host (snazzily coiffed Curtis Stone) than the actual chefs.

At Judges Table, Tom says they all did a great job. LL liked Antonia’s dish, but Tom didn’t like how small the conch was cut. Padma didn’t like the conventionality of it.

They move on to Richard. Tom cops to not knowing that it was sweet potato. Good for him.

Tiffany liked her own dish and so did LL. But Gail wanted it to be hot. Tiffany says it was when she was plating, but it got really windy. That’s so not fair. Tom thought it was a bit sweet.

On to Mike and Tom says butter doesn’t come into play in Caribbean flavors.

The chefs leave; the judges discuss. They come back in and Mike is the winner. Who’s going home? And it’s...Tiffany. Boohoo. I think Padma actually choked up as she told her to get out of there. That’s a shame. Tiffany did a good job. I think they all did amazing jobs, considering they were being asked to be Diver Dan’s instead of Top Chefs.

This episode bugged me. I didn’t want to see chefs diving into the water and risking harm and misfortune, catching wildlife in the ocean. What if they couldn’t swim? What if they wore contacts or glasses and couldn’t see? What if they got stung by a jelly fish or chomped on by a shark? This is SO unnecessary. Are we watching Top Chef of the Rugged Outdoors?

And this whole nonsense of not having proper equipment to cook with is so irritating. What exactly is this a test of? It’s NOT a test of the skills needed for putting fantastic food on a plate in a restaurant. That is ALL I require of a chef.

I want them to have all the equipment they need. In fact, I want them to have every piece of equipment they can dream of. And with that, I want them to have fabulous, fresh ingredients that they actually know how to work with. And it’s perfectly okay with me if the only test a chef goes through is to cook the same thing a million times perfectly. There’s your consistency and it needn’t involve flippers and a net.  

Padma Is Hosting More Than Top Chef

For all of you (us) gossipmongers, Padma is pregnant with her first child. We don't know who the daddy is. I'm not even suggesting that it's this surly, but hot, current contestant.

Padma And Katheee Leee Sex Up The Today Show

Padma was on Today this morning…WITH her clothes on. Hoda and KL asked her about her nude photo shoot. She said she was a model for so many years and had to wear clothes she didn’t like that going without them was fine.

They showed Padma's Carl’s Jr./ Hardees ad...



You know, the one where she’s French-kissing a hamburger.

Now HERE’S something I bet you didn’t notice from that ad. She was wearing her own yellow gold jewelry line.

And she was today as well. Padma showed off a $375 ring and $600 earrings. She tried to make it sound okay by saying that in these hard times, she’d rather spend her money on something real. That’s great, except these days something real is food, shelter and health insurance!

The gals taste her White Sangria. Ooh, you know I love that, except hers has some (ick) star anise. I did like the cut-up mango and kiwi, though.

Padma shows them how to make a lobster salad canapé. She mixes lobster with mayo, chives, parsley and Serrano chilies. (You can use shrimp too.) Padma says if you have lobster as the beginning of the meal, you don’t HAVE to have it as main course(!!!)

Why is Padma being so grossly out of touch with the not-cheap jewelry line and LOBSTER hors d’oeuvres? I’m not even sure what she’s promoting. I suppose it’s her Allure interview and the jewelry, but she’s coming off as really elitist.

Luckily, Hoda saves the day asking about substitutes for the lobster. Padma says you can use white fish or even white beans. THAT would have been the way to go at the start, and then say, if you’re feeling flush, you could use lobster.

Then KL insisted in tasting the lobster the way Padma ate the hamburger.

I won’t be making that anytime soon...

Cute Curtis, Adorable Tyler,

Oh, And Ingrid Was There Too

Why can't Top Chef truncate their challenges to less than half an hour, like Oprah did on her latest show? The last half of her show was dedicated to a Sandwich Showdown. 3 viewers competed to come up with winning sandwich entries.

This competition was the aftermath to a feature with Gayle going around the country tasting great sandwiches everywich (get it?) where. I must say she does wrap her mouth (and teeth) around a sandwich in a not at all unattractive way. And that can't be easy.

During the Sandwich Showdown, the 3 contestants were surprised when their favorite celebrity chefs - Curtis, Tyler and Ingrid - came out to help them. They were all warm and wonderful. Yes, Ingrid too.

Curtis was flirtatious, Tyler was a big hugging machine and Ingrid was genuinely enthusiastic with her gal. One of the provisos, which was kind of pointless, was that they had to make a sandwich that they had never made before. Who was going to be the judge of that?

They showed some funny stuff as the teams went shopping at Whole Foods. Ingrid was about to punch out the fish guy for giving all the lobster to Curtis. Curtis was more interested in playing with the melons and dropping things than shopping. Tyler was pretty much on task.

The judges were Oprah, Gayle and Padma. And they only wasted a little time with Gayle doing some very short interviews with the participants as they finished their tasks.

The best part was the chowing-down. Oprah tasted the first sandwich and was starting to rave about how marvelous it was. Then she remembered she was supposed to have a poker face. With her cheeks full of pot roast, she stopped smiling and tried to look serious. It happened with each sandwich.

The actual sandwiches all looked good. It seemed pretty clear it was all up to the chefs and the ladies were just there for the fabulous prize. The winner was to win tons of Kenmore appliances and pots and stuff.

They gave the win to Tyler. (I wasn’t surprised. His WAS awesome.) But then they gave the prize (worth $7000) to EACH of them. There was jubilation all around.

Oprah had Padma explain in technical terms why Tyler won – lots of different flavors in the same sandwich. Oprah and Gayle said they just liked it A LOT.

I like a food show with lots of hugging and mugging. And, Gayle, keep up those jaw stretching exercises. They’re obviously serving you well.

Top Chef - "Silly, Pretentious and Weak"

And Tony was only getting started.

Top Chef on Bravo

I really didn’t want to get roped into the new Top Chef season, especially from the beginning. These reality shows always start with 50 people and you have to remember too many names and stories and then by the end of the first episode half of them have left anyway. I would rather get involved further down the road, but someone asked me if I was going to be watching and I decided to check it out.

I had just read an interview with Padma and Tom. I was happy to learn that the ONLY thing the judges judged on was the food. They see none of all the nonsense that go on behind the scenes. All the shenanigans are for our benefit and they in no way impinge upon the outcome. I thought I remembered Tom in the kitchen occasionally in past Top Chefs, looking at what was going on and how the kids work together? Maybe not.

Anyway, they started at Pizzerino Uno in Chicago which led to a rather obvious, I thought, deep dish pizza challenge. I think that’s just dumb. The ability to make a deep dish pizza in no way signifies what kind of chef you are. In fact, it might just go the other way. I HATE deep dish pizza. I think it goes against everything that pizza stands for. The crust is bready, doughy and heavy and the filling is just gloppy.

There seems to be a surfeit of chefs from San Francisco. Two of them turn out to be a couple – Jen and Zoi. That partially explains the geographic density from that area.

Tom and the radiant Padma arrive and instantly send them into the kitchen for the deep dish pizza Quickfire Challenge. They have 90 minutes.

The contestants didn’t have to make the dough, which I would have thought might have been a legitimate test of their skills, but, of course. there was no time.

Okay, this is why I didn’t want to start watching. I have no idea who anyone is. Can’t they wear nametags?

After much pausing and rewinding, this is what they made.

Dale has a lot of energy and verve. I like him. He also is a sous chef from Buddakan (in New York, not Phillie), so I really liked him. His pizza: Sausage, pickled kohlrabi, scallions and sriracha sauce.

Valerie, nice Chicago girl: meat and potatoes pizza.

Manuel, a little full of himself. “Classically trained.” Eh! Who isn’t? Pizza with sopressata and rapini a la Siciliana.

Nikki, a nice New York girl, who doesn’t like deep dish pizza. You go girl! White pie with comté, ricotta and pecorino cheeses and mushrooms.

Mark is a Kiwi. He's really proud of himself for bringing Marmite. Doesn’t he know that Yankees think that’s really nasty? Pizza with chicken, zucchini and marmite “molasses”. Who calls it THAT?

Antonia, slightly brazen Italian. I like her chances. Pizza: burrata cheese, prosciutto, arugula and heirloom tomatoes.

Richard made peach taleggio pizza with sweet tea sauce. I don’t know what that means.

“Spike” or Evangelos, Greek and cocky, but I bet he can cook. Pizza a la Grec: onions, feta cheese, olives and sausage.

Lisa from New York. Pizza with Asian BBQ sauce, and duck. AWESOME! I like the sound of that.

One of them, don’t ask me which one, doesn’t grab a pizza pan fast enough and so he had to make his deep dish pizza in a cast iron frying pan. I think that is a good idea. Various pies get unmolded pretty badly, but it turns out not to matter, because they only have to present 2 single slices.

More pies and contestants are introduced during the actual judging.

Stephanie, Pizza with melon tomato sauce (no, thank you) prosciutto, olives and arugula.

Ryan, pizza with escarole, ricotta salata and butternut squash.

Andrew, pizza with smoked marinara (interesting), prosciutto, onion and cheese.

Jennifer, Harvest Pizza, with grape, bacon, fontina and rosemary. My favorite by a mile. I LOVE her choice of ingredients.

Nimma, Hunter Style Pizza with mushrooms, onions and stracchio cheese. Yuck. Looked bad and the judge said “missing salt”.

Please don’t ask me which pizzas Erik and Zoi made. I completely lost track…

The contestants bring their pizzas to this big house, which they think is the house of the judge. The guest judge turns out to be Rocco DiSpirito. Rocco is not one of my favorites, but he does seem a bit more sincere these days. Maybe the former Mrs. Eddie Murphy is having a good effect on him.

And, by the way, don’t these chefs know anything? Rocco doesn’t live in Chicago. The house is, of course, the big gorgeous house that they’ll be living in while on Top Chef.

The results of the Quickfire:
The losers- Andrew, Steph, Manuel, Lisa, Nimma, Valerie, Nikki and Zoi.
The winners – Richard and Mark (they LIKED the marmite).

On second thought, is it possible that this challenge was a good idea because it gave them a blank canvas on which to work?

Then it's on to the elimination, which is so friggin’ complicated. Each non-losing chef picks one losing chef. The losing chefs pick a classical dish from a list that each has to make. So each individual in the pair cooks the same dish, with their own spin to it, as they compete against each other.

The last two to choose, Zoi and Erik (what is it with unconventional spelling…unless Erik is from Norway…) had to cook soufflés, which the whole crew was nervous about.

Richard and Andrew made crab cakes. Richard (with spiky hair, that’s how I remember him) was going to town adding all kinds of exciting elements. Smoked mayo? What is that and how is he going to do that? He pulls out a miniature electric(!) smoker and smokes the spice, ras el hanout, for the mayonnaise. THAT is wild.

Antonia and Nimma made shrimp scampi. Nimma’s a completely depressive personality. How can her food be happy? She’s marinating the shrimp in PARSLEY. Huh?

Ryan and Valerie do chicken picatta. Jen and Nikki have to make lasagna. Nikki is making her own pasta, including making it by a hand on a big board. That’s impressive, but is she crazy?

Mark and Steph’s dish was duck a l’orange.

Dale and Manuel: steak au poivre.

The judges enter… Tony!!! Yay! He is so charismatic. I want to see him bitchslap Rocco. They ARE sitting at opposite ends of the table. Darn, Tony’s on his best behavior today!

Mark loses to Stephanie in the duck battle, although the judges like both. Tony particularly liked Steph’s.

They like both renditions of crab cakes with the win going to Richard. Too bad, Andrew.

Spike and Lisa’s Eggs Benedict go over well. Because they HAD to pick a winner, it was Lisa.

Valerie beats Ryan by a hair, with neither of them satisfying the judges with their knowledge of Chicken Picatta.

Zoi beats Erik in the weird name spelling category as well as with the soufflé. Neither of theirs resembles a classic soufflé. The judges are very unforgiving. Rightly so, most people know NOT to add potatoes TO a soufflé, as Erik did.

Dale beats Manuel. The judges didn’t care about his Mexican spin to the dish.

Antonia beats Nimma, which wouldn’t have been hard. I don’t know if Nimma was overcompensating for the lack of salt in the pizza, (NOONE mentioned that, strangely), but her shrimp scampi was inedible. Okay, if she doesn’t go home, this whole show is a sham. Her pizza was bad, her shrimp couldn’t be eaten, what part of that says she deserves to stay in the competition?

Goodness, just listen to me. I hate competitions. I want everyone to win. I think they should turn off the clocks, give them an unlimited budget and days to wander around a farmer’s market and then see what they can do. This is like believing that the SAT measures future success. The only thing it measures is how well you take a test, THAT test. Sorry…back to…

Nikki and Jennifer. The judges liked both lasagnas. But, for some inexplicable reason, Jennifer didn’t cook the rutabaga (WHY, Jenn, WHY?) The fact that Nikki made her own pasta was very impressive, so she walked away with the win.

The chefs face the judges. This really is so queer. They look like a firing squad (if they weren’t sitting). And the overall winner is…Stephanie, a loser in the Quickfire round, but her duck reigned supreme.

The overall losers were Ryan, Erik, Nimma and Mark. Rocco knocked Erik for the strange addition of potatoes to his soufflé. Erik said, “I made glorified nachos. I’m not proud of it.” Tony was amused.

Nimma made excuses, “The plastic wrap wasn’t as tight as I usually have it.”?!!?! That doesn’t excuse making it so salty it could barely be tasted. Tony was being kind when he said, “It was a weak dish.”

Mark’s duck was “silly and pretentious” to Tony. And Ryan’s dish was not only improperly made, Rocco called him dense (to the other judges).

Okay, there’s no question. It should be Nimma to go home. And it’s…Nimma. “Please pack your knives and go.” Isn’t there a more gracious way of saying it?

Nimma’s upset because now “no one will know I’m a very good cook.” I looked at her bio on the Bravo website. SHE went to the CIA? It really didn’t show. This is her interview video. She’s positively gorgeous, but not particularly fascinating talking about food.

I dunno, it was pretty good show. I didn’t want to commit, but now I may have to. I wish they’d get rid of 7 or 8 of them quickly, so we could cut to the chase much faster. This thing isn’t actually 16 weeks long is it? Oy!

A year ago today...The Contessa Goes Fearless and French