Top Chef…They’re Baaaccckkk!

First of all, what is Andy Cohen doing leading the conversation?

It’s one thing to have him do the reunion show for the Real Housewives of Orange County, as well as the RH of New York, but this?

Let’s not even get into how I know that he did those other reunion shows…I just do.

Wouldn't a culinary figure have been a better choice? Ted would have done a good job.

Okay, let’s get started:

Richard isn’t there in person, because his wife is about to have a baby.

We see the moment that Stephanie wins. Do we really have to see that again? It was only a week ago,.

Ted is all chatty. Tom looks bored. Padma is posing in a deck chair. Gail is pleasant.

Lisa, in her jade, is gracious. Tom asks Stephanie if she wants to be known as the first female top chef or the winner of season 4. Obviously, the latter.

They’re all asked if they have any regrets. Dale immediately says he regrets his butterscotch sauce. Yeah, it all could have been different. By the way, I’m predicting, no, demanding, that Dale win the $10,000 prize for fan favorite. Goodness knows, I voted all seven times or however many we were allowed.

Jen’s regret is her phallic presentation of a crouton.

They move on to other scenes. I have no memory of a bathtub incident between Andrew and Spike. Apparently, they were special friends. “Like soldiers trapped on a submarine”, says Ted. That would be SAILORS, Ted. YOU should know that…

Mark is married. This is boring. I’m not interested in this. The only two people I’m interested in seeing outside the kitchen are Dale and Tom…okay, I guess Padma too. Maybe she could show me how to make samosas. And Ted and Gale might have some interesting things to say. But I don’t think the other chefs are sterling conversationalists …not that they pretend to be.

Other insights I gleaned from this show:

Jen and Zoi may not still be together.
Spike is sneaky.
Tom has spooky eyes.
Richard had a dream about making love to his wife and then Mark knocked on the door.
Several people are on this show of whom I have NO memory.

And this:
Many chefs that worked with Antonia were eliminated, thus earning her the name The Black Hammer.

The outtakes from the judges are funny. The “stew room” scenes – no, they weren’t braising meat in there, that’s where they had to wait for the judges’ decisions - weren't that riveting. We do learn that they were actually in the stew room for 6 hours.

Andy comments that the judges are more critical this season. The best example of that is Anthony Bourdain’s, “It’s baby vomit with wood chips.” Tom giggles throughout.

They agree that Anthony Bourdain was the toughest judge. Spike called him a culinary assassin.

Ooooh, they talk about the controversial getting-rid-of-Dale decision. Tom asserts that it looked like Lisa should have gone home. Dale was honest and said he messed up and he deserved to go home.

Ugh. Lisa tells us she went to a lesbian party (it was sooo not necessary to include THAT detail) and that people came up to her and said they were afraid of her. She didn’t seem too upset.

Andy’s one good question was to Andrew. He asked how it felt to have Lisa throw him under the bus. He said she made an ass of herself. She tries to make nice. He doesn’t buy it.

Andrew’s expression ‘I have a culinary boner”, is being sold on Top Chef T-shirts. ($24.95! What a rip-off.)

We learn about the 4 top fights this season:
1) Dale versus Spike: “Dale, you’re a little bitch.”
2) Dale versus Lisa about who picked the wrong rice? (It turned out Dale did.)
3) Lisa vs. Andrew in the aforementioned sellout.
4) Jen and Antonia against Spike, Lisa and Dale. I’m not sure who was against whom. Dale did seem to be involved, to a remarkable degree, in most of the fights.

They have a segment about the cursing. Tom tells them, in a rather goodie goodie fashion, that they should think how they present themselves in interviews. Richard is interviewed by satellite and given a Top Chef baby onesie. (Could they spare it?)

There’s a commercial for Jo and Slade. The sad thing is that I know who they are, but I'll deny it if asked.

Okay, finally we get to fan favorite. Andy asks for guesses. NOBODY chooses Dale. WHY??? Tom throws out some ideas and tells Lisa that no way is it going to be her. She laughs (on the outside).

Oh goodness... STEPHANIE wins fan favorite. What a bunch of putzes who voted for this. They show all the chefs’ positive remarks about her. They could have done that with any of them, except Lisa.…

Dale got screwed again. Dumb.

BTW, the reunion shows of both Housewives series were far more entertaining than this. The housewives really got into it with each other. On THIS show, it seemed like all those involved were kind of over it.

Top Chef – And The Winner Is…

What’s going on here? I’m not supposed to be watching this. Oh, who am I fooling? I can’t help myself…

We have to relive Antonia’s leaving and Lisa’s hissy fit at her fellow chefs for not congratulating her. Everything bad anyone has ever said about Lisa is true.

Richard says he can’t believe that Lisa is still here. HELLO!!! You don’t need to tell that to us Dale-lovers, who can’t believe it either. THAT was such a mistake and it’s getting me all riled up all over again.

They seem cordial at the beginning. Richard gives us the new-house-wife-baby-on-the-way story as to why he has to win. No one told you told you to go buy a new house, Rich…Sorry, I’m just being ornery. Why don’t I watch the last 5 minutes and then post 30 seconds after the show is over? Oh, but what fun would that be?

Tom and Padma are there with 3 other chefs – April Bloomfield from The Spotted Pig, Dan Barber from New York’s Blue Hill, and Le Bernadin’s chef/owner, Eric Ripert.

Their challenge is to create a four course meal, starting with fish, going to poultry, red meat and “Yes, you do need to do a dessert.” Why did Tom say that? Was there some finalist who blew off dessert in a previous season?

Sorry to get off topic, but why does Tom look scruffy? This is the finale, for goodness sake! I like him all smooth and shiny, not rough and scruffy. You don’t see Padma at the finale with hairs in unusual places. Double standard!

Stephanie is surprised at the dessert requirement. Get over it. Dale wouldn’t have complained. Oh, alright, we all know that Dale would have complained at every little thing, including the angle of Tom’s soul patch (I didn’t like it on Michael and I don’t like it on him).

Eric, Dan and April are going to be their sous chefs! Wow!!! Did they do that in previous seasons? That is awesome. Can you imagine having Eric Ripert work for YOU??? That is way cool.

The REAL chefs each have different proteins for the contestants to work with.

Eric has, among other things, clams, sea urchins, hamachi, caviar, bacon and lamb. Dan’s haul includes scallops, squid, abalone, guinea hen, venison and foie gras. April has organic chicken, jumbo shrimp, lump crab and Wagyu steak.

They WERE going to let the chef with the most elimination wins pick first, but Richard and Stephanie are tied, so they pick a number from a knife block. Richard lets Stephanie go first and she pulls number one. She’s gotta pick Eric or she’s crazy…OF COURSE, she picks Chef Ripert.

I’m thinking Lisa’s going to end up with April’s swag; the others have more selection. OF COURSE, Richard takes Dan and Lisa is left with April. Lisa says she’s happy about working with the one woman. Sorry to repeat myself, but Tom does not look good.

Their final task is to prepare a black tie dinner for 9 diners. They only have 7 hours to prepare – 3 today and 4 tomorrow. I guess that should be ok, since they each have a rather qualified sous chef.

Lisa is amazingly relaxed. She’s decided on an Asian menu, and, even though April has no experience with that, she’s really happy to work with her.

Richard admits he doesn’t really know what he’s doing and he’s hoping for a strike of inspiration. (Isn’t that usually when it’s LEAST likely to hit?)

Richard is SO not winning. I’m thinking that something will go wrong with Stephanie’s meal and Lisa will win by default. Of course, Stephanie SHOULD win, but it REALLY should have been Dale…so I’m going to take the dark horse at this very early hour and say it’s…LISA. Boy, do I hope I’m wrong.

Oh, this is funny, Eric is asking Stephanie something in his VERY, VERY, VERY heavy Frennnnncccsssshhh accent. What if she misunderstands him? He might say shall I skim the duck? (for example) and he’s really said SKIN the duck. This should be good. Wait a sec, I have to put the closed captioning on, I can’t understand a word he’s saying.

Stephanie checks to make sure he’s really getting ALL the skin off the fish and she says (we don’t see it) that he got a little huffy.

April and Lisa look like they’re working the best together. I’m telling you that Lisa could pull it out in the end. (Not that I want her to.) We see much cooking going on, but without knowing what they’re making, it’s kind of pointless.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Richard almost barks, “Raw oyster, lemon juice, hot sauce and cream”. And we learn that liquid nitrogen was his special request item. I guess he’s going to liquid nitrogen the ingredients and make a frozen foamed version of a classic appetizer. He’s proud of himself for being one of the few people that can use it. Eric and April are fascinated by his freezing stuff into pearls. (Don’t they ever watch Top Chef? He’s been doing it all season.) Richard is really impressed that he showed Eric something he’s never seen.

Stephanie states that she and Eric are all business and getting stuff done, but that Lisa and April are chitchatting a lot. She sounds jealous…I’m telling you this could go against Stephanie.

At the end of prep time, Richard still has no clear idea of what he’s going to do. That can’t be good. Stephanie has a bit of a laissez faire attitude, but not in a good relaxed way, in a way that says she might be giving up.

The next day, Tom greets them in the kitchen and tells them they won’t be working with the sous chefs today. Well, honestly, who told them they would be? But if those chefs are the judges, won’t they be rooting for the person they were helping? Stephanie looks a bit panicked. Lisa is taking it in stride. I don’t have confidence that Richard will actually have any finished dishes at all. (You know these jerks really dragged me back in, I’m supposed to be watching in a relaxed fashion, cocktail or bowl of cereal in hand…)

Lisa is kind of funny. She says her menu is going to reflect her personality. How is she going to make food taste bitchy? But actually she is accurate…her food is going to be in-your-face, sour, salty, big and bold flavors. Interesting. Please don’t hate me, but she is kind of growing on me.

Stephanie mentions again that she’s not happy she has to make dessert. Tom comes in and basically annoys Richard and Stephanie. Lisa couldn’t be more la-di-dah, everything is under control, it’s all good. Either she’s going to completely blow the other two out of the water, or they’ve edited this to make us think that.

Tom notes the reactions of the 3 chefs with surprise. Richard is nervous. Lisa is fine and Stephanie is concerned about a dessert that she’s only made once before. He’s definitely warning us that that dish could be the one that loses it for Stephanie. Even Lisa tells her to have confidence in herself.

Lisa’s Menu
Grilled Prawns with Chili Basil Sauce & Crab, Homemade Potato Chips
Tom Kha Gai Soup & Dumplings
Wagyu Beef With Chayote & Cucumber Salad, Hot Sauce & Garlic Chips
Black Thai Rice Pudding With Lime & Mango Crème, Taro & Coconut

Richard’s Menu
Scallop with Mango & Pineapple Vinegar
Guinea Hen, Chicken Egg, Foie Gras & Spring Vegetables
Pickled Radishes, Mirin Broth & Pork Belly
Banana “Scallop” & Bacon Ice Cream

Hasn’t he made the banana thing before and aren’t the judges going to wish he never made that atrocious sounding ice cream? Just because he’s technically capable of freezing everything in sight, doesn’t mean he should. He ends up only freezing the ice cream and not anything else. Probably a good decision.

Stephanie’s Menu
Red Snapper, Truffled Clam & Asparagus Broth, Asparagus Salad
Quail Breast Over Lobster Ravioli With Mango Lobster Sauce & Quail Egg
Lamb Medallions With Maitake Mushrooms, Braised Pistachios, Blackberry & Olive Tapenade
Ricotta Poundcake With Tropical Fruit & Banana Crème

The dining room fills up with bedecked guests. We hear a voiceover of Richard puffing himself up - he’s the best chef, blah, blah, blah.

Padma toasts. Those fancy sous chefs ARE sitting at the table. They discuss sous chef-ing. Eric liked it because he just had to do what he was told. Dan was nervous throughout and April said it was “humbling”, because she had to make sure she was doing it Lisa’s way.

Padma introduces the judges to the 3 competing chefs: Chef Alfredo Ayala from Delirio in Puerto Rico (great story here); Tim Zagat (he should be good); Gail, Ted and Tom, with patches of hair growing in different places.

Reactions to Richard’s first course - Dan doesn’t recognize anything he helped Richard with. April: "The sweetness of the mango is delicious." Tim wants it simplified.

Reactions to Lisa’s first course - April likes the texture of the prawns with the potato chip and the red chili sauce. Alfredo:”The chili sauce from Lisa is too strong.” Uh-oh. I might have read the entire situation wrong. Tim: “The heat almost takes me back to China.” Is that bad or good?

Reactions to Stephanie’s first course - Ted: “Very elegant.” Eric: “Zee truffle oil has been infusing overnight in the broth…Very delicate.” Tom, almost yelling: “Yes, it is.” Alfredo proclaims it the best of the three. Tom: “It was good. It was almost REALLY good.”

Reactions to Richard’s 2nd course - Eric: “I like the complexity of the dish. The earthiness of it. But (oh, here it comes…) it’s hard to make a distinction between the ingredients.” WAIT A SEC. He got ripped another time for putting each ingredient in a separate blob. Someone said it was more like a project than a meal. Now he’s got them together and he still can’t win. Tom: “This is him falling in love with the technique.” Eric: “YES!” April likes it.

Reactions to Lisa’s 2nd course - Gail: “Lisa’s soup was absolutely delicious.” April: “I like the lemongrass. I like the creaminess.” Tim: ”Very good. I would have been happy to have seconds.”

Reactions to Stephanie’s 2nd course – Eric: “I like very much the seasoning of the quail.” Ted wishes the sauce had more lobster essence. Alfredo: “Very delicate.” Tom: “No one had an issue with these leeks?”

Richard says his 3rd course is super simple. Does that mean that the judges will think it’s elementary?

Reactions to Richard’s 3rd course – Eric: “I’m surprised by Richard. He doesn’t season the food.” I promise you he is not winning. But then Eric says. “I love the radish. It’s borderline genius.” Alfredo, not happy: “The broth is very underseasoned.”

Reactions to Lisa’s 3rd course - April: “The beef flavor is nice, but it’s not tender.” Oh, for crying out loud. They are trying to confuse us. They like this...they don’t like that. WHAT are we supposed to think? No one likes Lisa’s sauce. They like her salad.

Reactions to Stephanie’s 3rd course – There is general agreement that the addition of BRAISED pistachios was a revelation, as was the green olives. Maybe she will pull it out after all. Oh, wait there’s still that cake that she wasn’t happy with. Eric says this is the first dish where they’ve said “I love”. Tom proclaims Stephanie’s dish the winner of that round.

Reactions to Lisa’s dessert – Gail says, somewhat unpleasantly, as she tastes Lisa’s dish, “What’s her chip issue?” Tom explains kindly that it’s an Asian thing. Dan: “It’s a minor critique in what I think is just a really exciting dessert.” Tim says (again) that he could eat more.

Reactions to Richard’s dessert – Dan: "It works."

Reactions to Stephanie’s dessert: Tim: “Okay, but nothing special.” Eric: “It’s a little bit unrefined and slightly heavy.”

Tom wraps up the whole season. Richard is the intellectual, Lisa is true to herself and Stephanie has a homey spin on things. He points out their very strong contrast of styles and flavors.

If I had to say it now, before they talk to the kids…I guess I would have to say it’s going to be Stephanie, but if she comes off as lackluster and Lisa is super-confident, who knows? I just know I’m ready for a snack. Em, where are those fluffernutter cupcakes when I need them?

The four regulars take their places at the judges' table. Tom says that he thinks they delivered exactly what we expected of them. THAT must mean they’re going to choose Stephanie. I take back everything I said (after my previous taking-back of everything I said); it’s got to be Stephanie. They don’t want some unpleasant (however reformed this week) person promoting their brand…

They rehash the menu. It is clear they thought Richard’s first course was too bland, especially since he said he likes to have strong flavors at the beginning. Try some salt and pepper next time, buddy. Lisa was smart and said she meant to make the first course really spicy. Tom bought it. They loved the delicacy of Stephanie’s dish.

Richard seems completely confused by every criticism. When you don’t like his dish, it’s because he (and it) are too smart for you. Pish tosh to that!

EVERYBODY loved Lisa’s soup. Stephanie seems unsure in general. Tom gets a bit heated as he tells her the leeks weren’t cooked. She thought they were.

Uh-oh, here we go again, Richard is snotty as he tells Ted that he wasn’t going to lose the integrity of the meat just to get a bit of crispiness on it. Well, maybe he didn’t lose his integrity, but he’s sure going to lose Top Chef.

No one liked Lisa’s next dish. Ted said Stephanie’s braised pistachios was one of the most creative things all night. Tom said that’s why you should keep an open mind when eating. Okay, they LOVED that dish, we get it, but they hated her dessert.

Richard actually admits that he choked. Go me! So it HAS to be Stephanie. Right? Richard looks like he’s going to throw up.

The chefs leave and the judges go through the courses…I think it COULD go to Lisa. But will it?

Oh, come on! The poll they were running during the whole show said that 60% of viewers chose Stephanie for the win, 36% were for Richard and only 4% voted for Lisa. Let’s be fair. Based on tonight’s meal, it was definitely between Stephanie and Lisa. If they are going to take the totality of their efforts into account, then Lisa should never have made it into the final at all. However, based on that one meal, I think the two women were close.

Without further ado…OMG, Padma has to get a plug in for Glad. Tom keeps saying what a difficult decision it was and how they based it on which meal they’d like to have again. Doesn’t that mean it has to be Lisa? IT IS…STEPHANIE. She pretends to be surprised. She’s so low key that she might have won a coupon to Subway. Richard says losing at the last second really sucks. But he didn’t lose at the last second. He lost the entire day before, with his inability to focus.

They bring out all the contestants. Dale is commiserating with Richard. I have to say this was bit anti-climactic. There’s really nothing to be PO’ed about...except that you-know-who wasn’t in the final…which, obviously, he would have won.

Thoughts on Top Chef – The Reason Behind Lisa’s Fortuitousness And Padma’s Appalling Gaffe

I have to say that I enjoyed Top Chef more as a casual spectator than writing about every single second. AND, surprise, surprise, up until the final 60 seconds, I absolutely thought that Lisa should stay and Antonia should go.

But first a grumpy preface about Padma’s English. I would imagine that the initial scripting of Top Chef goes through many hands and eyes and presumably brains, AND that the editing goes through even more review. AND I feel confident in saying that as events are actually happening (especially the aforementioned SCRIPTED ones) that SOMEONE is watching.

With all that oversight, it is appalling that the ever beautiful Padma got away with the following offending phrase – and naturally, she shouldn’t have needed anyone looking out for it:

Your Quickfire Challenge, she told the contestants, “is to make some fritturas for Wilo and I.” Okay, what’s wrong with that?

Of course, it should have been “fritturas for Wilo and ME.” All you need to do is to take out the first name and say the sentence: “Your Quickfire Challenge is to make some fritturas for ME.”

You would never say “make them for I”. It’s not brain surgery and it’s a jarring, evil, bad use of English.

Back to the show.

There was one reason and one reason only that I continued watching after the initial few minutes. I wonder how many others hung on for the same reason. And that was the talisman that Lisa wore around her neck. It was simple disk of jade strung on a red string that is supposed to bring good fortune to its wearer.

I know about this for several reasons. The enthusiastic shopkeepers at the jade factory on the way to the Great Wall told me of its powers.



Our lovely young Chinese guide in Beijing (she reminded me of my daughter) told me about the jade bracelet passed down from grandmother to granddaughter that she will never take off. It brings all good things - from fortune to good health.



AND as I was bestowing a jade bracelet and necklace on my daughter in a Boston hotel room, the Chinese maid walked in, dropped the towels and fell on her knees admiring the jade. Okay, I made that last part up. She kept the towels in her arms as she fell to the ground. She concurred that jade indeed brings all good things to those who wear it.

SO when Lisa showed up after their many months’ break, with that awful haircut, but slimmed down in body and, at first anyway, with a revamped attitude, I thought perhaps the jade was having its desired effect. I wanted to see how it would end up for her. AND I wasn't surprised when I found her food to be very, very interesting and well-executed.



But things started to go downhill for Lisa when they brought back 4 former contestants as sous chefs, including Dale, who, of course, should never have gone in the first place. Stephanie, as the winner of the Quickfire, got to assign them. She kept Dale for herself.

No one wanted to work with Lisa and she was left with Andrew. But it wouldn’t have mattered who she got, because she hated everyone and the feeling was mutual. The effect of the calming jade? It seemed to be fading. Even so, she produced a nice menu.

Antonia, on the other hand, was a bit low energy and brought nothing special to the table. Tom remarked that Antonia’s station at the party for which they were cooking, had the fewest takers.

Stephanie and Richard definitely belonged in the final, with Stephanie showing her chops when sous chef Dale left out the pork belly all night. She could have completely flipped, since it was a major component of her menu. She picked right up, continued throwing ideas around and came up with an alternative, which was rated highly by the judges.

Lisa was back to her old nastiness by at the end. Antonia had been voted off the island (literally - they were in Puerto Rico) and she went back to the other two (Richard and Stephanie) and basically cried in their arms. She left and Lisa was standing there feeling left out and looking like a wet lox.

Her mistake was actually to SAY something, “You guys really suck for not congratulating me for not being sent home. Thanks A LOT,” or words to that effect. She should have kept her mouth shut and just looked pathetic. She might have gotten some sympathy then.

But she mouthed off, reminding us why we love to hate her. Actually, I hate to hate her. I wanted to feel genuine enthusiasm for the finalists. Notwithstanding the momentary cessation of my antipathy for Lisa, I feel a real sense of unease that she COULD win, although I don’t think it's likely.

If it IS Lisa, then Mars really must be in retrograde and we should all rush to the jade factory and get a powerful amulet that causes miracles and unlikely dreams to come true.

Top Chef - Spoilsport (That's Me) Alert

Spike wins the Quickfire with excellent butchering and fine meat cooking. He may lose the opportunity to participate in the finale, because, even with the first pick of ingredients, he chooses to use frozen scallops.

The episode progresses. Stephanie's solid. Lisa is less jerky because Dale's not there. Richard is kind of insecure. Spike pisses off the guest judge and Antonia is so calm and self-assured that, to me, she comes off as a bit pompous and patronizing.

What a shame, Spike loses. Ah well...no me importa.

I Just Can't Help Myself...

Vote For Dale

I’ve decided to channel my anger at Dale being kicked off Top Chef for a higher good. I found this awesome interview with fabulous Dale on Yumsugar.

He gives his fans a great suggestion, which is to vote for him as fan favorite on the Top Chef website. They allow 20 votes per week and the voting goes until May 27th…

Nineteen, Twenty, DONE…

One More Thing About Top Chef Season 4

Let Me Just Make It Clear Why I Won't Be Watching...
Ok, Maybe I’ll be Watching (Just A Little), But I WILL NOT be Reporting On It Anymore This Season

Dale was my boy, my man, my chef. I adored his cooking. I just love Asian and fusion cuisine and any and all combinations. My absolute favorite places are Buddakan, Vong, Tabla, Asia de Cuba – they’re my go-to restaurants.

Maybe I’m a bad sport, but I don’t care about the other chefs.

Antonia may end up taking it all, without once having uttered a profanity or stabbing anyone in the back. She’s like a hardworking journeyman...woman – eminently capable, gets the job done, good food which looks ok, but where’s the fire, where’s the spark?

Dale was a naturally gifted ninja (is that too much of a stereotype?) in the kitchen. His creations (until his final night) were perfectly put together, wonderful tasting and, despite Antonia’s criticism that he ALWAYS cooked Asian, smartly inventive. (Nikki ALWAYS made pasta, including the night she was recruited as a helper for Antonia’s team.)

Listen, I have nothing against Antonia. She’s a mom (aahhhhhhhhh, that’s what they want us to say) she cooks with her head, she’s sensible, nothing is ever too out there. But Dale, aahhhhhhhhh Dale, he cooks with his heart. He moves fast and thinks on his feet, and the judges absolutely should have taken into account his overall superior skill level.

Now, we (well, actually YOU) are forced to watch Lisa, the witch; Spike, who I still can’t tell apart from Andrew, but now that Andrew’s gone, I don’t have to; Richard, who is very gifted, but really he’s a one trick pony*; Stephanie, ehhh, nice kid, I’d have no problem eating in her restaurant, but I don’t want to watch her sweat and strain to get there.

So enjoy the show, and I’ll just have to try for a reservation at Buddakan, where I can be closer to my Dale.

* I kinda get the deal with the Ras el Hanout, though. I once bought a particularly fragrant brand of Smoked Paprika and it was such a revelation that I used it on EVERYTHING. I thought it brought out the meatiness of meat and added a rich flavor to non-meat items and I just LOVED the taste. (I haven’t used it in months, though, I just got burned out.)

Top Chef - Restaurant Wars Showdown

Let’s fast forward through the Quickfire Challenge, where the 6 contestants have to cook eggs in a greasy spoon for the early morning breakfast rush. The only thing notable about this challenge was Tom entering the Top Chef house before 6 am(!!!), while the chefs are all sleeping. That was a bit weird. I guess he had to get some face time, because he was off at a “charity event” and wasn’t going to be judging the Elimination Challenge this week.

The Quickfire ends with Dale and Antonia as the best two. Antonia is pronounced the overall winner at mastering the art of fast egg cooking.

The chefs are directed to a big empty space and Padma tells them it’s…Restaurant Wars! Because Antonia is the winner, she gets to pick two other chefs for her team. She chooses Stephanie and Richard. Uh-oh, that leaves Dale with Lisa. I don’t like that, but I guess it makes for drama.

The menus are decided and after what looks like an all too quick trip to Whole Foods for $1500 in groceries and Pier One for $5000 for dishes and décor, they begin to cook.

During the prep time, Tony strides into the kitchen, saying he’ll be replacing Tom this week and “bringing his warmer, sunnier disposition to the challenge.” He wanders around asking each team what they’re doing.

Let’s cut to the chase. The restaurant is open. They get started. The judges enter and Padma introduces guest judge Chef José Andrés. Oh, I like him.

Antonia, Stephanie and Richard (Mr. Ras el Hanout)
Gastropub:
1st Course
Beet Salad with Goat Cheese & Ras el Hanout Spices (again!!!)
Linguine & Clams with Sausage & Horseradish Crème Fraiche

Tony tasting the pasta: “This is better than what I would expect.” José: “I love the texture of the linguine. Stephanie pipes in “I made the pasta myself.” Ted says the Goat Cheese Salad (or is he just talking about the goat cheese?) is really delicious.

2nd Course
Trout with Cauliflower
Lamb Loin & Braised Lamb Shank

Ted: “This is a nice presentation.” Tony: “I was thinking exactly the same thing.”

Whoa, slow down a second, guys…EVERYTHING can’t really have been so good thus far. It’s obvious that this team will be the winning team and that Dale’s team will have some failed dishes.

Okay, this is my prediction: the two losers will be Dale and Lisa and LISA will be going home, because if they send Dale home, I ain’t watching this show anymore, because there is no one else I want to win.

I mean it. I WILL hold a grudge. I will be unreasonable and mean and I’ll spend my Top Chef evenings watching House Hunters instead. Where was I?

Tony repeats how much he loves the lamb. José is really impressed by the level of cooking and Padma says “We’re not joking around here on Top Chef.”

It is so evident that all this praise is just a set-up for how disappointing the other team’s menu will be. I almost don’t want to watch it…AND I bet something horrible will go wrong with Spike’s décor, like a giant mirror will fall off a wall or something…I SWEAR I’m writing this as I’m watching, so if that really does happen, I am absolutely psychic…

3rd Course
Gorgonzola Cheesecake with Sweet Potato Puree & Concord Grape Sauce (Gag me!)
Banana “Scallops” with Banana Guacamole & Chocolate ice Cream

The desserts didn’t go over QUITE as well, but they liked their innovativeness and, luckily for them, the judges didn’t actually hate anything.

Dale, Lisa and Spike
Mai Buddha

1st Course
Spicy Coconut Shrimp Laksa…Padma: OOH, isn’t that beautiful?
Pork & Pickled Plum Pot Stickers

Tony on the laksa: “It was just too damn smoky,” WHICH IS EXACTLY what Dale said back in the kitchen. Padma adores the dumplings. Ted loves the char on them.

2nd Course
Braised Short Ribs with Pickled Red Cabbage & Apple Basil Salad
Padma: “I love a short rib.”
Butterscotch Miso Scallops, Spicy Eggplant & Pickled Long Beans

Tony: “It’s like Willy Wonka scallops.” Padma in horror: “No, really?” A random diner says she has no idea what she’s eating...probably not a good sign. Equally, it’s not a good sign when Lisa says Dale isn’t happy with his food choices and ultimately the executive chef is responsible for the food. That can’t bode well. Lisa, it better be you or I’m out of here…

3rd Course
Halo-Halo with Cantaloupe, Coconut, Kiwi, Avocado & Candied Nuts
Mango Sticky Rice with Toasted Coconut

Tony's take on the Sticky Rice dish: “It’s baby vomit with wood chips.” He was “okay” with the halo-halo, although he didn’t “particularly love it”. José did. Random diners HATED the sticky rice dessert.

Spike’s take on his teammates’ performances: “Poor,” which also means he thought HIS wasn’t.

Needless to say Antonia’s team won. Tony: “I was really impressed by all of your comportment.” Why do I think he would have behaved more like Dale in the kitchen, who everyone is down on for acting temperamental when things don’t go right? Isn’t that the definition of a chef?

The winner is Stephanie. She wins a culinary tour to Barcelona and a guided wine tasting tour for two.

The other team goes in to face the judges. I’ve just noticed that Dale is wearing shorts and hideous blue shoes. Are they crocs? I can’t quite see…Remember it better be Lisa!

Tony: ”ALL of us were unanimous in finding some very unpleasant aspects to this meal.” Well, TONY, I find your face unpleasant! Especially, if you even think of sending my Dale home!

I don’t get his critique about the napkins. He asks who came up with the color. No one takes responsibility. He says that the décor “announced itself as a place where a greasy dumpling would be unforgivable.” Was Tony saying that the décor was SO elegant and well done that he expected the food to follow suit? It sure didn’t sound that way…

Then the judges go off on the author of the butterscotch scallop dish - Dale. (Frankly, I’ll take butterscotch any way I can get it, especially if cute Dale is dishing it out.) José said nothing worked in the dish. Padma said it was way too sweet. “Hearing the words butterscotch and scallops together in the first place was very worrying to me,” says Tony. “It looked like a melted candy bar.”

Tony goes on to rip the laksa and says it was like “putting (his) face in front of a campfire”. Dale actually points to Lisa just as she actually takes full responsibility for the dish.

Could it be that Dale IS a little bitch as Spike (was it?) always calls him? Never mind, Lisa’s a bigger one. They go on to criticize basically everything about Dale and Lisa and their nitpicking over whose responsibility everything was. SHE really is a tattle tale, but I’m getting an uneasy feeling that as the executive chef of this challenge, HE’S going to take the fall.

But CLEARLY, he is the better cook. He’s won more challenges including being in the top two in this very episode’s Quickfire. Dale, you better stay, buddy…José doesn’t like the lack of teamwork that they’re showing, but what are you supposed to do when you don’t want to take the fall for someone else’s mistakes?

Oh good, José opines (correctly) that because Spike was in the front of the house, he considers himself away from all the trouble in the kitchen and above it all. And he was fortunate that nothing falls off the wall.

Dale makes the point that you’re only as good as your weakest link. Lisa comes back with you’re only as good as your leader. I agree with Dale. Byuh bye Lisa. They leave to let the judges deliberate.

The judges agree that Spike was smart to stay out of it and that he did his job ok. They agree that Dale fell down as a conceptualizer, executor and something else or other. BUT the judges agree that Lisa “botched” both of the dishes she made – sticky rice and the laksa and that she’s really bad at taking criticism. Are they are picking Lisa….or not?

OOH, Lisa and Dale are still having it out. Dale isn’t that nice, but he’s still a better cook than she is.

The three chefs go back in, Dale looks mad; Lisa looks belligerent and Spike looks a little too self satisfied.

WHAT?!! DALE is sent home. That really, really, really, really stinks. He’s okay with the whole thing. He actually breaks up talking about it.

Dale being sent home is a huge mistake. A HUGE mistake. A huge MISTAKE!!! I’m done… Without Dale, I don’t care who wins…I wouldn’t even have minded if Richard had beaten him in the final two, but the remaining chefs are of no interest. Top Chef is dead to me.

Top Chef - Say It With Salad, But Stop Screaming About Everything Else!

Top Chef
Episode 10 Serve and Protect

There's a money shot of Glad bags near the beginning of Top Chef. Is the prize $100,000 dollars or that much money in Glad bags? It’s hard to tell.

We open with Andrew…or is it Spike? I still can’t tell the difference. They’re showing Steph a bit. Richard says he’s tired. Spike says Dale’s a little bitch. Didn’t he say that last week?

Dale says it’s all too dramatic and emotional. Andrew says everyone is beat down but him.

Quickfire Challenge. They all look awfully exhausted after being up all day and night for last week’s wedding challenge.

Season 2 finalist Sam Talbot is the guest judge. Antonia thinks he’s tall dark and handsome. Each to her own. The challenge is to “put the sexy back in the salad.” Okay, maybe it’s SAM that should leave the island. Padma says they have 45 minutes and they can use all the ingredients in the kitchen. (There's a huge table with tons of stuff on it.)

Let’s have sex after we eat this salad, says Spike. Eww.

Dale’s looks the best to me, after we see it for one second. Steph mixes artichokes, mushrooms and pears. I don’t love that. Antonia likes “fatty salads”. Lisa is using lobster tails. (That’s a good idea, even though she not my fav.)

Steph ran out of time before she got her artichoke chip on the plate. That’s not good.

The results:
Andrew: “Thai fruit salad” with Mangoes, Strawberries, Raspberries & Sriracha Dressing. Sam: “The sriracha gives it a good flavor.”

Spike: “Sensual Beef Salad” with Pineapple, Radish, Cucumber & Skirt Steak. Sam: ”It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Huh? I guess that’s good, but what does it mean?

Lisa: “Sexy Banana Salad” with Squid, Lobster Tail, Bananas & Yuzu Vinaigrette. Sam: “Actually I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.”

Stephanie: “Fall Duet” with Pear Vinaigrette, Poached Pear & Artichokes. Sam: “Thank you.”

Antonia: “Poached Egg & Wild Mushroom Salad” with Bacon Vinaigrette & Squash Blossoms. Sam: “It’s got great flavor. Thanks.” Did his gaze linger on her for a second? Was there some chemistry between the two chefs? She IS a single mother, right?

Richard: “Fresh & Clean Salad” with Ceviche of Fruits & Vegetables. Sam: Thank you.

Dale: “Poached Chicken Salad” with Nori Paste, Mirin, Sake & Rice Wine Vinegar. Sam: “Poached chicken can dry out, but that’s actually really moist.”

Richard and Steph and Lisa lose.

Sam liked Spike, Antonia (I TOLD you) and Dale. He said Dale’s dish was really unique and that he nailed it. Spike is the winner. His first win. He gets a significant advantage, Padma reminds him, instead of immunity.

They wheel in tons of greasy fast food to show that this is what most people eat for lunch. The challenge is to make gourmet boxed lunches for cadets from the Chicago police force. Lisa is funny as she says that personally all that junk looks good to her.

Sam says he is diabetic himself and has to think about healthy eating. The challenge is to “protect (the cadets’) health and serve them something tasty.“

As a winner of the QuickFire Challenge, Spike gets a 10 minute head start shopping and the four ingredients that he chooses no one else can use.

Spike is getting things that will PO everybody, because they won’t be able to use them: chicken, bread, lettuce and tomato.

Andrew doesn’t care because he thinks those are the most dumbed-down ingredients anyway. Andrew studied nutrition for 2 years and brags about how he doesn’t run around with his head cut off. OK, it’s Andrew going home!!! That’s my pick.

The lunch has to include whole grain, lean protein, fruit and vegetable.

Andrew is putting together parsnips and something or other for a sushi roll. That sounds awful! He’s bragging again. He’s going down!

Dale is using lettuce, scratch that, CABBAGE cups with bison. Antonia is dissing him (to the camera) because he only cooks Asian food.

Lisa is doing tons of explanation. It’s way too much. Tom enters the Top Chef kitchen. He seems to like Steph’s dish. Tom tries Lisa’s hot sauce. He practically gags. Spike gets a handshake. Richard wants to know if Tom likes burritos. In his usual blustery way, he says he does IF it’s a good burrito.

Tom tells the camera that they all seem to be doing a good cooking job. Lisa’s brown rice is burned. She says someone turned up the heat. Steph says it was just an accident (on Lisa's part), not sabotage. Dale agrees. They rush to box everything up to get to the police academy.

They get to the cafeteria and label their food with instructions on how to reheat. The cadets come in. Richard asks every single person, “Do you like burritos?” Spike says he’s so cheesy. He’s right.

Apparently the cadets get to choose any lunch they wish. Spike keeps only two boxes out in front, so it seems like his lunches are going fast.

Padma arrives. Here are the dishes:
Oh there are Ted and Tom. Hi boys!

Stephanie: Mushroom & Meatball Soup with Barley, Vegetable Puree & Yogurt. It’s orange and looks completely smooth, like a butternut soup. The judges seem pleased with it.

Spike: Chicken Salad with Pita & Raw Vegetables. “It’s a very pedestrian chicken salad to me”, says Padma. Ted says Spike had plenty of time to do something more exciting. Tom remarks on the ingredients he chose, thinking that he only picked them so that the other chefs couldn’t use them.

I don’t think that’s completely fair. That was part of the deal for winning the Quickfire Challenge. Of course, the winning chef would choose stuff that would benefit him or her and screw the opposing chefs.

Dale: Lemongrass Bison Lettuce Wrap with Brown Rice & Herb Salad. The cops say it’s good. The judges like it too.

Antonia: Curry Beef with Jasmine Rice, Berries & Figs with Grape Syrup. The cops really like the filet and the sauce. Ted says the beef is nicely cooked. Padma says the flavors are delicious.

Andrew: Salmon Roll with Parsnip-Pine nut “Rice” & Pickled Ginger Wasabi. “I take nutrition in a very serious sense,” he drones on and on to a very polite Ted. (If you have to ‘xplain it, it means it doesn’t stand alone on the taste.) He includes the information that wasabi helps with tooth decay. I hope he means to PREVENT tooth decay.

Padma: ”That’s very strange”. She’s talking about the dish, not Andrew…and not his dental tips. Ted: “The flavor’s not great.” Padma notices instantly that he didn’t use a whole grain. Ooh, does that mean he didn’t follow the rules? He is soooo out! Tom looks disgusted.

Richard: Grilled Tuna Burrito with Lentils & Quinoa in a Rice Paper Tortilla. He asks the same dumb question of Sam – “Do you like burritos?” What if someone says NO?!! Ted says it tastes better than it looks. Tom says, “It tastes good, actually”. One cop says it would nice on a summer day. Who knew officers could be so poetic? Sweet.

Lisa: Shrimp stir-fry with Brown Rice, Berries & Yogurt.
Padma and Sam know immediately that the rice is undercooked. It’s really spicy, a cop says.

Sam comes from a family of cops and says he liked some of the lunches and didn’t like others. Tom says if you want people to eat something healthy, it has to be delicious as well.

Lisa explains to Spike that someone fooled with her rice. Andrew realizes he didn’t use a grain in his dish (20 minutes after everyone else did).

The judges want to see Dale and Stephanie. Obviously, one of them is the winner. YUP. They get asked why they came up with what they did. The judges loved Dales’ idea of the bison, saying how healthy it is. Stephanie’s soup was very well seasoned.

DALE is the winner. GO ME!!! He gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Merlot wine. Whoop-Dee-Do. Oh wait, it’s kind of pricey and Dale also gets a visit for 2 to the Rutherford Hills winery. That’s cool and he’s happy that he's won 5 out of 20 times.

The losers: Spike, Lisa and…Andrew. WHO called it???? Andrew is so gone. I’m sure.

Andrew mentions AGAIN that he studied nutrition for 2 years. He goes on and on about how you should eat every 3 hours. How exactly IS a police officer going to eat that often? “I want to leave them wanting more.” Tom points out that they’ll get a candy bar later if they’re hungry, which defeats the entire purpose of the healthy lunch.

The exchange demonstrates how pissy Andrew was:
A: I wanna show you guys what it is to eat healthy.
Tom: How about serving something that’s good?
A: Was it not good?
Tom: It didn’t taste good at all, no.
A: Really? That’s funny. I had 2 people go back for it.
Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Andrew definitely resents that the judges didn’t like it.

They get to Spike. Padma wants to know why he made chicken salad. He didn’t want to scare the cadets, he says. Then he also gets a bit aggressive. “What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients?” The dish you came up with dummy!

They hated the combination of olives and grapes. And Spike almost insults them. Ooh gosh, he really is nasty to Tom. He says “the common person” likes those together. Tom gives as good as he gets. “If you want to take their word over mine, that’s fine”, says Tom…”Unfortunately for you, it’s my opinion that matters.”

It’s Lisa’s turn. Tom says many components of her dish were poorly cooked. She says Wah! Someone screwed with my rice. Tom's attitude: All that aside, nothing was well cooked.

Then Lisa actually points out that Andrew didn’t use a grain in his dish, which they were supposed to. She actually ratted him out. Tom says they’re aware of that. Lisa and Andrew have a nice little altercation in front of the judges.

They leave the room. “Boy, did Lisa have a lot to say”, says Padma. Tom says they’re not going to accept alleged sabotage as an excuse for her dish. Ted says there were 4 really huge mistakes in it. They agree that Spike’s was unimaginative. Sam and Tom really hated it.

Andrew and Lisa have more words. “It just shows me who you are.” Andrew says to Lisa about the tattling.

Padma points out again that he didn’t use a whole grain. Tom says that’s true. Ted says Andrew was completely arrogant.

Outside the room, there’s more Andrew/Lisa conflict.

Then Padma makes the point that it’s a unanimous decision, which means to me that they chose Andrew and she's making the point that it wasn't because Lisa told on him.

To a break…Do you think this is suspicious that there’s a commercial for diabetes medicine when they happen to have a guest judge with diabetes?

They’re back and they repeat again why they hated all the dishes. Okay, so who’s out?

Tuh-duh, it’s ANDREW!!! (I’m awesome to have picked another rejectee!!!) “I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect”, he says. This isn’t Sicily in 1962! He’s really kind of jerky.

He shakes the judges’ hands and says later he’ll probably never see any of these people again, except Spike. Spike is sad to see him go.

Again, “I play with honor. I play with respect and loyalty.. and honor”, he says soooooooooooo pretentiously. “I’m always against the grain.” Get it? He’s different…unusual…whatever. AND he didn’t add the whole grain to his dish, so he goes “against the grain”. Dumb. He certainly rubs me the wrong way. Good-bye, sucker.

Next week restaurant wars.

Which Top Chef Wedding Buffet Was Worse? Hard To Judge

The latest episode starts with Andrew and Spike playing around. Uh oh, which one does that mean is leaving?

They show Nikki’s cleavage. What could THAT mean?

The Quickfire challenge begins. Tom is there, which the chefs are curious about. The ante is being upped, Padma says and the winner doesn’t get immunity this week, just an advantage in the Elimination Challenge.

They’re bringing back an all time favorite challenge - the relay race, which “cheerful” Tom particularly likes. They divide into 2 teams: Stephanie, Antonia, Richard and Andrew. And Dale, Nikki, Spike and Lisa. I remember that relay race with Hung going through those chickens like they were tissue paper. So does Stephanie.

They don’t have long to figure out who is going to do what. The tasks: Cutting oranges into pithed and peeled “supremes”, preparing artichoke hearts and leaving the stem on (after peeling it), filleting a huge ugly monkfish, and making mayonnaise by hand.

Dale is completely fed up with Nikki being scared of making mayo. “Why are you still here?” he says about her to the camera.

They start with the oranges, Lisa versus Antonia. Lisa is shaking, but going really fast. She wins that one. Then Spike goes against Andrew with the artichokes. Spike’s team loses its lead, because he destroys an artichoke and Andrew is going really fast.

Richard has to fillet the monkfish against Dale. They‘re both really fast. They finish at the same time. Finally, Steph makes mayo against Nikki. Stephanie finishes first. Dale gets really mad, hits a locker and curses.

The Elimination Challenge is a variation of Restaurant Wars. It’s Wedding Wars. They get introduced to a bride and groom, who are getting married…THE NEXT DAY. The chefs have to cater the wedding. WHO WOULD DO THAT? Who would leave the catering of their wedding to a REALITY SHOW and only have it handled the day before?!! Plus the bride and groom own a restaurant and catering venue and so they know exactly what to look for and how really crazy it is to do this.

The winning team gets to choose which team to cook for: the bride’s or the groom’s. There will be 125 guests for each one. Richard’s team takes the bride’s side. Spike says they’re complete morons. Yeah, WHO would do that?

Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole.

The groom says he loves bruschetta and Italian food. He and Nikki hit it off perfectly.

The bride says she loves anything fried. She and Richard are both from the Atlanta area and they bond over that. Andrew makes a terrible suggestion of chicken nuggets.

Nikki says Dale doesn’t work well with others. Dale says, “No one really likes each other on this team.” And he doesn’t think his teammates are that strong. They are heavily depending on Nikki. I think that cleavage may be a sign that she’ll be gone.

Two from each team go to the Restaurant Depot for supplies. The other two go to Whole Foods. They have to get flowers AND make a wedding cake ??!! Okay, you will never hear me say this again, but… shhhhh…what about Duncan Hines?

Lisa says she’s relying on Nikki…wow, she’s usually fairly strong-minded.

Antonia is doing the majority of the hors d’oeuvres for her team. She’s confident that everyone knows what he or she is doing. Steph is doing the cake. Oh, listen, she actually says that she’s sure that the bride doesn’t want her to make some kind of Susie Homemaker Duncan Hines cake. That’s funny.

Nikki doesn’t want to be the leader, so when people ask her questions she doesn’t take a stand.

They cook through the night. I’m feeling a little exhausted myself. Lisa thinks Dale is doing a poor job, because he’s doing so many things. Well, who gave him so many dishes? His teammates.

Nikki is making fresh pasta. She’s worried about Dale’s ragu because they have different philosophies for making it. Huh?!? Dale says she wants control over things, but doesn’t want to take responsibility for any decisions. I agree. They’re all tired. Andrew stops talking. Spike starts blathering.

Tom comes in with a smirk on his face. He’s told it will be meat and potatoes for the bride’s team and Italian food for the groom’s. Tom asks Dale what dishes he’s working on and he’s so tired he can’t think of the name of any of them.

Tom says that the Italian side is easier. He’s worried about the cake that Lisa is making, going so far as to call it almost ugly. He says the meat and potatoes menu needs to be seasoned really well.

Richard remarks that they have all the food done, he just hopes they’re going to be able to stay awake to serve it.

Wedding guests arrive. Bride goes down the aisle. Seriously, what kind of people would have a wedding like this? I guess ones that want a free reception. But didn’t they ever hear that you get what you pay for?

Padma comes and introduces the judges they already know (as if they’ve never seen them before) and Gale Gand. She’s cool.

They cut to the vows. They cut to the weddding cake being carefully set up. The champagne is being served. Tom is eating up all the attention. The hors d’oeuvres go out. The mother of the bride is happy. Why shouldn’t she be? She didn’t have to give up her retirement for a wedding.

Yowza! What is Padma wearing? A red, rather low-cleavaged dress, with a flower in her hair.

Dale cut the bread for the bruschetta and it’s too thick and too hard. That is why I hate bruschetta for hors d’oeuvres, no matter the occasion. It’s impossible to eat. I would rather cut the bread into croutons and throw it in a bowl with whatever the topping is and call it panzanella.

They introduce the couple to the dining room. Oh, I forgot it’s a buffet. Andrew is staying in the kitchen, because Antonia says he’s not allowed to talk to the guests.

Dale is cooking all the hot food himself. That’s probably not a great idea. Now he can be blamed for more things.

The bride tries the food. Richard wants to know if she likes it. Someone or other likes the spinach with star anise.

Richard is talking to the guests too much. Padma says the brisket is delicious. Tom LOVES the horseradish sauce. He says the chicken is the worst thing on the plate.

The groom serves himself antipasto.

Okay this is getting really confusing. Here are the dishes:

Bride’s Appetizers
Pizza
Pulled Pork Sandwich
Short Ribs & Blue Cheese in Phyllo
Bride’s Buffet
Crispy Chicken
Brisket
Filet Mignon
Creamed Spinach
Potato Gratin
Bride’s Cake
Dark Chocolate & Lemon

Groom’s Appetizers
Assorted Flatbreads
Bruschetta
Groom’s Buffet
Tortellini
Mixed Vegetables & Cheeses
Filet Mignon
Chilean Sea Bass
Orecchiette with Ragu
Groom’s Cake
Chocolate Hazelnut

Padma says the tortellini are too sweet. Tom likes the ragu. Someone said the bride’s team is better. Even the bride told the groom that she was sure he likes her side better. They cut the cakes…already?

The groom’s cake IS kinda ugly. They like the taste of the groom’s cake. Guests like the bride’s cake.

Based on scenes of what’s coming up, they want us to believe that Dale is in danger. I absolutely refuse to believe that Dale is going home because of the bruschetta. I just don’t think it’s going to happen.

Nikki just may be it, because she was the defacto leader and several of her dishes stank.

They wait for the judges to call them in. All are yawning.

They call in the bride’s team. Tom wonders WHY they picked that team. Me too. Richard says because it’s all about keeping the bride happy. DUH! That’s WHY you shouldn’t have picked the bride. Brides are notoriously difficult to please, especially a bride in the biz.

The judges hated the chicken and the spinach. Andrew made it. Even with that, they preferred the bride’s team's catering. The judges were impressed with the wedding cake which Stephanie made. Richard made the brisket, which was perfect. The winner is...RICHARD. He said he’d like to give his prize to Stephanie. Stephanie said let’s share it, so they split a gift certificate to Crate and Barrel for $2000. That is really sweet of Richard.

The groom’s team goes in. Please pick Nikki, please pick Nikki, not Dale.

They ask who did each dish and who was driving the bus? Nikki rushes to answer (a little too quickly) “Definitely, not me”. Then she puts the idea of the poorly executed antipasto bar squarely on the groom.

They go through all the dishes that were bad. Spike, I think, says, “Dale you’re such a little bitch, bro”, after Dale accurately reports that most of the cooking was put on him. Oh goodness, just because Dale picked up all the slack, don’t make him leave.

The judges discuss that Spike didn’t seem to do too much. And they agree that Dale had too much to do. Nikki was a major disappointment because she didn’t take the lead. RIGHT! Go with her. I think they will. Lisa seems safe, because they liked the taste of that cake. It’s gotta be Nikki…not Dale, not Dale, not Dale.

Ok, back from commercial and it’s…NIKKI. The boys hug. Nikki says she's proud of herself. She has a restaurant to go home to. She hugs various of them and actually doesn’t seem that sad to go.

And what about the bride and groom? I thought their input was going to factor into this whole thing. Obviously, they were involved in other things, but we shouldn’t have been promised feedback from them and have it not happen.

Plus, there was so much to cover in the episode that I felt like nothing was covered that well. Frankly, I think the Bridezilla type shows do a better job of showing the chaos and behind the scenes stuff. It should be easier on Top Chef, because we mostly care about the food, not all the other issues.

At the end of the day, Dale showed his mettle and, I believe, he’s cemented his place (with Richard) in the final. Yes, THAT is what I am predicting at this incredibly early (well, not that early, but at least not 3 minutes before the end) date. Dale will triumph over Richard, because if he doesn’t, he’ll punch his lights out…

Top Chef - Bad Cooking and Disquieting Camera Shots

Jen got sent home in last week’s improv episode. This week's show starts with Stephanie getting dressed and, EWW, it looks like she’s putting on a chef’s jacket with tons of blood on it. Oops, no, it was just a shadow. How about better lighting?? She’s amazed she’s still there.

Now this really is Ewww. We see Mark (is that his name, the New Zealander? or is he South African?) brushing his teeth and his pasty white back and some hideous tattoo on his left arm. He also has an unattractively haired chest and belly. C’mon this is a cooking show! OMG, now he’s shaving! Can we please just leave his grooming to himself? This is gross. Finally, they assemble and leave for the Top Chef kitchen.

Wait a minute! Hold your horses! This week I’m going to learn from past editing clues. The people they show in the beginning have an outsized role in that particular week’s show.

Could it be that Mark goes home OR could it be that he’s the winner? Okay I’m taking a stand here…After watching 3 minutes of this week’s Top Chef, I’m predicting that (or more accurately hoping that) Mark is going home. Vamos a ver.

Oh, I spy that sweet dumpling of a man, Art Smith, Oprah’s former chef, who opened a restaurant called Table Fifty-Two in the Windy City. He’s a sweetheart. I hope he doesn’t get all judgmental and nasty. Oh, I guess he IS there to judge after all.

Padma goes into some riff about speed in a professional kitchen and there’s tons of Uncle Ben’s Microwavable Rice packets on the counter. Art says in a restaurant “a minute to the kitchen is 10 minutes to the diner, so it has to be perfect and on time,” so their Quickfire Challenge is to create a fabulous entrée in 15 minutes.

Why do I feel like this challenge has more to do with getting the globally gigantic Mars company, owner of Uncle Ben’s, involved as a sponsor than any culinary reason? Puleez. I’m not feeling this…I think it’s an insult. Any chef could make a wonderful dish in 15 minutes WITHOUT relying on parboiled rice.

Lisa’s bellyaching about the lack of time. She would. They show porn shots of the shiny red packages in the microwaves, spinning dramatically on the turntable.

Friends, NEVER cook in plastic in the microwave! Use glass and porcelain, that’s it. Don’t cover anything EVER with plastic in the microwave. Use CorningWare lids or waxed paper. I’m not saying don’t use your microwave. I use mine many times a day. Just don’t cook in plastic leeching containers or with evil-when-it-gets-heated-up plastic wrap.

OMG, the show has only been on for 5 minutes! This is going to be a long post.

Dale says he’s going to go with a fried rice dish. He doesn’t lose his head. He says most Asian dishes are cooked quickly. I just want to remind you that Dale is my pick, and HAS been all along, for overall winner.

I like, is that Stephanie?, her idea of seafood pancakes with the rice. That’s interesting. They look great.

Greek Spike is making stuffed peppers. Ick. Oh, tomatoes too, which would be better, but still not the most innovative idea in the world.

They should have called this challenge how to cook with crap fast food. What I wonder is if any of them will choose NOT to use the Uncle Ben’s. They didn’t say it was an actual requirement.

Antonia acts as if rice salad is some new idea. Hey kid, I’ve been making that since my Cordon Bleu days. Here’s a similar recipe, using real rice of course…that goes beautifully with a curried chicken salad that was served at Queen Elizabeth’s Coronation luncheon.

Richard says taste is the most important thing and then they cut to Mark saying that he’s tasted the components of his dish, but not the whole thing. HE IS SO GONE!!!

I just want to digress (one more time) for one second and tell you that, as I write this, I have no clue as to the outcome. I am writing these words AS I’m watching, as I do with all my Food Network posts. Even if Top Chef was on days ago, I keep my head down, I read NOTHING about it and I carry on with my blatherings with NO advance knowledge of what’s happening. So YOU may know that everything I’m saying is a crock, but I don’t. Clear?

Okay, the challenge is over. Here are the dishes and comments from Art and the others:

Antonia: Rice Salad with Skirt Steak, Arugula, Red Onions and Cherry Tomatoes (okay, so the Cordon Bleu recipe is a more traditional rice salad without all the salad stuff…let’s see what Art says.) “I like the cold and the hot.” Hmmm, what do I know anyway?

Nikki: Vegetable Fried Rice with Mushrooms, Zucchini, Snap Peas and Eggs. (Oh, Honey, don’t go where Dale goes…you’ll never win that way). “It’s very comforting.”

Richard: Tuna Steak and Tomatoes over Rice with Yuzu Vinaigrette. THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about. It looks great. And he only used about a tablespoon of that “rice” stuff. I know it’s rice, I just don’t support using precooked packaged products in a “chef’s” competition. “I love the yuzu on the tomato. That’s a great complete meal.”

Stephanie – Brown Rice Pancakes with Scallops. She actually admits she never made them before. Uh-oh. I don’t think she should have said that. “Very clever.”

Spike – Rice Stuffed Tomatoes with Veal, Port and Rice Wine Vinegar Sauce . Sound awful to me. Art says, “It’s wonderful. It’s like a very great way to serve a vegetable.” ART! You have to diss someone!

Lisa – Rice, Corn, Black Beans and peppers with Avocado Crème and Grilled Shrimp. For all her complaining, it looks good. She encourages Padma to squeeze fresh lime over. Wow, Art is surprisingly loquacious. “I think the lime makes a big difference. It’s all about the acid…Most chefs oversalt food, rather than add acid.”

Dale – Yay!!! Pineapple Fried Rice with Grilled Scallops and Chinese Long Beans. “I like the long beans, because I think they’re very underused.” Does that mean he didn’t like the rest? What do you expect? He had to use Uncle Ben’s!

Mark (Remember he’s the one I say is going to be gone): Miso-glazed Turkey Breast over Rice with Snap Peas and Grapes. Art: “I need a sauce.” Padma: “I need sauce and I need for this chicken to not be so tough.” Mark: “It’s turkey.” That’s priceless…THEN it’s okay for it to be tough. Art AND Padma “It’s a little dry.” BINGO! Go home boy, right now, save us having to sit through the rest of this.

Andrew: Wild Rice Crusted Fish with Almond and Sun-Dried Tomatoes. He sounds a little too breathless and enthusiastic, as if he thought using Uncle Ben’s was actually a good idea. Plus he spent way too much telling them what he did (in the same way this whole post is going). Art: “It’s a little crunchy. I think it’s really clever idea, but you need more than 15 minutes to figure out to make it right,” so I’m guessing his ingenuity will not be rewarded.

The results: Mark, Stephanie and Lisa are in the bottom three. Art thought Stephanie’s was pretty but a yawn and the other two just didn’t taste good.

He really loved Dale’s, Richard’s and Antonia’s. Antonia wins the challenge.

They plug Art’s organization Common Threads, which encourages families to eat together. The next challenge is to “create a healthy meal for a family of four using only $10”. I bet Lisa is cursing that she already used black beans.

I can already think of a menu – Carrot and Potato Vichyssoise, Black Beans and Rice with Homemade Tomato Salsa and Strawberries with an Orange Yogurt Sauce. Well, wadya think? Plus something green and sautéed, if there’s any leftover money.

Andrew says it’s impossible. Easy for Antonia with immunity to say, “You get 10 dollars.. You make it work.” Ok, TG-wannabe, thanks.

Another problem is that they’re shopping at Whole Foods, which is known in some circles as Whole Paycheck…I’m not even sure Whole Foods sells Uncle Ben’s…hopefully, none of them will ever use that again.

Dale is clever, very clever. He sees everyone else buying chicken, he goes for turkey bratwurst. That’s a great idea. I think I’ll add one to my beans and rice.

Yuck, Mark says he makes a vegetarian curry for himself and his lady when he’s strapped for cash. Not yuck about the curry, yuck about him and his lady. Maybe she’s never seen him brushing his teeth.

SORRY! This is about cooking not insulting the chefs. (They DID leave him open for that by that opening sequence,)

Mark is playing his didgeridoo. OK. He is SO going home. They’re making this too easy.

Why are they focusing on the chefs wrapping their food in Glad bags and that sticky Glad plastic wrap. I’m really getting annoyed by their overt product placement. Covert, fine, but product whoring, NO!

Antonio has a phone call with her daughter. Why are they wasting time on her when she has immunity? They obviously need filler.

They go into the kitchen at some center or other and many kids are brought in to be their assistants. Antonia wants to cry because the kids are so cute and make her miss her daughter. The kids are sweet, and the chefs are gracious. They seem to relate really well to them and they actually give the kids stuff to do.

Spike, do not tell that dear child what the puttanesca means! Am I the only one who thinks this dish is inappropriate? Oh, his kid has already cut himself (on the peeler). Downer Lisa doesn’t like Mark’s idea of the curry, I think that’s just one more setup for sending him home.

They all get to work. Dale likes his kid, who is also really short. We learn Andrew was over 200 pounds before he started cooking for himself.

Tom comes in. He’s impressed with how Richard is schooling his kid. Dale got a good kid. Tom is smiling. Just before the break, there’s ANOTHER quote from Mark, about how unnerving it can be to have Tom Collichio in the kitchen. I get that. I’m nervous to even have him on my television screen.

Here are the dishes and comments:

Richard and Abigail: Roasted Chicken with Black Beans, Apple, Avocado and Beet Salad. Padma likes the apples. Art likes it but would have removed the chicken skin. The kids like it too.

Lisa and Andrew: Roasted Chicken with Edamame and Black Beans, Peanut Butter and Apple French Toast. Padma thinks there could have been more fresh vegetables. Art doesn’t think the chicken has a lot of flavor. They both like the dessert that Lisa made sure to say Andrew made…in case they didn’t like it.

Tom is tasting all the food in the kitchen. That’s kinda weird.

Dale and Emmanuel: Turkey Bratwurst with Potatoes, Onions, Red Cabbage and Apples. The kids were down with this, the judges not so much. Padma and Gail thought the red cabbage was too strong.

Spike and Alex: Pasta Puttanesca, Carrot Soup and Semi-Baked Apples. How can I say anything bad about this when I had the same idea for the soup? The kids were relieved they got spaghetti. The judges loved the very vegetable-y puttanesca sauce. Why Spike admitted they didn’t have time to finish cooking (but served anyway) the baked apples I’ll never know.

Nikki and Amaris: Roasted Chicken with Mixed Vegetables, Tomato and Cucumber Salad. Art loves this “One pot wonder.” Gail says it’s a very complete dish.

BTW, it’s kind of gross how the judges are all eating off one plate in the center of the table, which is so far away that as they bring the food to their mouths, I’m praying it doesn’t go all over the tablecloth.

Also, I’m not liking not hearing Tom’s opinions with the rest of the judges. Speaking of the devil, we see Tom tasting all the food with Mark commenting how scared he is of him.

Mark and Jesucita: Vegetable Curry, Cinnamon Rice and Cucumber Salad. Padma, interestingly, says she’s surprised he made curry, as if it was too exotic. That’s a little weird coming from her. I’m certainly no fan of Mark’s, but why shouldn’t he have made a vegetable curry? Kids need to eat different things to be exposed to them when they’re young or they’ll never try anything.

Padma doesn’t like it anyway, she says it’s way too sweet. Gail wants to know where the protein is, as if a dish made without meat can’t have protein.

Sorry, I must pause here for a sec…First of all, we, in the West, probably eat too much animal protein anyway and did she never read “Diet for a Small Planet”, which is all about combining vegetable proteins to get complete proteins?!! I guess Mark didn’t either. All he would have had to do to complete the protein is to serve plain yogurt with the rice. (He did serve rice, didn’t he?) But the protein isn’t really the point, he simply made a crappy curry.

Oh gosh, there’s more!

Antonia and Jeffry: Chicken and Vegetable Stir-Fry with Whole Wheat Noodles. Who cares? She can’t be voted off, but her kid is cute. Gail says, “It’s a little sweet, but great.” Padma says it trumps Spike’s spaghetti.

Oh wait, there’s still more chefs and kids…
Andrew and Miguel: Chicken Paillard with Fennel, Apples and Orange Salad. I didn’t like fennel until my 4th decade. Let’s hear from the kids. ”Good.” Art likes it, as well, and proclaims it a well-executed dish.

Please be done…Nope!

Stephanie and Arlynn: Couscous with Eggplant and Zucchini, Chicken in Peanut and Tomato Sauce and Apples with Granola, which she pointedly says her sous-chef made. Both dishes look like piles of goop. Art: “I don’t think it tastes that great.” Padma: “The couscous is not done well.” Gail: ”That’s just a tell-tale sign of a restaurant chef who doesn’t cook at home that much.” I think that’s being kind.

Tom thanked all the chefs and said the kids had a great time.

The Judges’ decisions:
They liked Nikki’s dish and Antonia’s. Tom said Lisa’s was bland and Stephanie’s was nasty. Hah! Just testing to see if you’re still with me. He actually said “Peanut Butter and Tomato!”, as if it were obvious that was a sucky combo.

Richard liked cooking with the kids and wants to go home and make some babies. Okay, I really think that’s being a bit too sentimental. Go borrow your neighbors’ kids to cook with you. I promise you after the 10th time they refuse to eat what’s on their plate, they’re not so cute anymore…Just kidding, kids. I mean just kidding to MY kids…everyone else’s can be annoying.

Andrew, Nikki and Antonia are called in. Oh, I guess even if Antonia can’t be sent home, she can still win, which is exactly what happens. The judges praised all three chefs’ dishes, but she pulled out the win.

Surprise, surprise! They want to see Lisa, Stephanie and…M