Hubert Is Beautifully French; Rick Shows His Innocence; Art Overcooks An Egg; Michael Undercooks Lamb; One Female Chef Triumphs And One Doesn’t

Top Chef Masters

Art is cute. He’s been all over television this week. He was on Nightline and Campbell Brown. This is going to be really, really good.

Here we go, it’s on!!! They introduce the chefs. I have absolutely no memory of Suzanne Tract. I better read my old posts…oh, it can wait.

Rick says he was scared to death the first time he came to Top Chef. Now he feels a bit more comfortable.

Michael Chiarello (hello there, chef!) says it’s like your second day of school when you have your classes, you know who your professors are and you “get a small exhale”. (Funny, I’m panting just seeing you again.)

Kelly explains that the chef with the highest points will win another $10,000 for his or her charity. The one with the lowest score will be eliminated. Art says (to us) “I don’t wanna be eliminated. “

The Quickfire Challenge will be done in teams. Anita doesn’t like that idea, because she’s never worked with any of them before. But I think professional chefs probably play together nicer than us normal folk.

They pull knives and get either salt or pepper. Michael, Suzanne and Art are on the Pepper Team. Michael immediately reaches out and shakes Art’s hand. Rick, Anita and Hubert are on the Salt Team.

Kelly says their Quickfire is the Mis En Place relay race. Michael tells us what the term means – putting everything in it place. They will be given a series of ingredients to prep and whichever team finishes first wins. They show a clip and now I remember this challenge. My precious Dale’s team lost.

Hubert says none of them do prep anymore. Kelly says they need an experienced expert to determine the winner and Tom comes strolling out. They laugh. Art says to the camera, “Here comes Big Daddy himself, Tom Colicchio.”

The challenge is to open up 15 oysters, dice 5 onions, butcher 4 chicken and separate 5 eggs and beat the whites so stiff that they won’t tip out when the bowl is held upside down for 5 seconds. Wowee zowee!

They have one minute to decide who is doing what on their team. Obviously, one chef on each team will have to do 2 tasks. I’m guessing the women will be the workhorses (they’re also the youngest, I think)

Wrong! Art and Hubert are doing the 2 tasks.

Suzanne and Hubert compete head to head opening oysters. Michael is rooting Suzanne on. Michael says she’s like a Jedi. Hubert looks over and sees she’s ahead and he MOVES! They finish about the same time.

Art goes on to chop the onions, including getting plenty on the floor. Hubert is chopping the onions too. Art is crying (from the onions). Rick says he’s never seen anyone chop onions like Art has. Art finishes before Hubert.

Michael starts chopping his chicken into pieces and then Anita goes. Anita is FAST, but MC is close, really close. It’s a TIE.

It’s up to the eggs. Tom is cackling. Art says Rick is his nemesis because they’re both from Chicago. We learn the Rick used to teach pastry and he always separates his eggs by hand. He’s whisking away. Art gets some yolks in the whites. That can’t be good.

They’re whisking away. Art says “Rick Bayless was like Mr. KitchenAid!” Then he makes a whirling noise. The Salt Team wins after Rick holds his eggs over his head while Art is still beating away. Art’s whites probably would never have gotten stiff enough anyway. Art says he’s devastated. He feels like he let the team down.

The winning team gets 5 stars each before moving onto the next challenge. The losing team members get 4 stars.

Kelly says that in order for them to get to know each other better, they will each prepare their signature dish. That’s okay, but who cares if they get to know each other?

Rick, on the other hand, says just cooking for these other chefs will probably be the highlight of the entire experience for him. Art strolls over to Hubert and tells him he’s too serious and he can tell he’s doing something very French, French, French.

These are the dishes they’re making for their fellow chefs.

Hubert

Lobster & Truffle Cappuccino With Corn Madeleine

We hear about his early French childhood waking up to the smell of croissants…all in his charming Frensssccchhh accent.

Art

Seared Grouper With Hearts Of Palm, Trumpet Mushrooms & Meyer Lemon Zest

He gets a mention of the President and First Lady in there, saying this was their Valentine’s Day dinner.

Anita

Seared Scallops With Potato Purée & Bacon, Sea Urchin & Mustard Greens

Anita says she’s nervous cooking for other chefs, even more than food writers.

Michael

Fennel Balsamic Quail With Mosto Cotto Mostarda , Sautéed Greens & Roasted Apples

He talks about how the ingredients all come together when he’s on his land and he sees the quail and the grapes and the greens. And he tells us that he wishes he could have gone back to Italy with his mom to see the origin of so much of his (and her) cooking.

Suzanne

Chopped Sirloin With Green Peppercorn Sauce & Fried Egg

I have no doubt that this was delicious and, as I’ve mentioned before, I LOVE fried eggs on just about anything. But I can’t help thinking that the chopped sirloin reminds me of a Swanson TV dinner. The chopped sirloin was NEVER in the same league as the turkey dinner with those awesome mashed potatoes and that lovely sweet apple thing. (Or was it cranberries?)

Rick

Rack Of Lamb & Black Pasilla Chile With Mission Figs

We hear about Rick’s well-known travels through Mexico in search of their authentic cuisine and culture.

Ahhh, there IS a reason for all this. In the Elimination Challenge, they have to recreate a competitor’s signature dish. Hubert gets to choose first, because he was on the winning Quickfire team and went twice. He picks Anita (he liked the layers of flavors in her dish) and she has to do his dish. The rest of the chefs are paired up by which number is on the knife they select.

Michael doesn’t want to get Rick, because he feels his cooking is so complex. Of course, he does gets him. Art and Suzanne get each other. This should be fun.

They have 45 minutes and 300 dollars to cook and 2 hours to cook the next day. Kelly says they will be serving their dishes to 6 influential diners. You don’t think they’re serving the dishes to EACH OTHER, do you? That would be interesting. They shop. They cook.

Art is nervous because he’s only been in the restaurant business for a year and a half and he’s competing with VERY experienced chefs. Hubert and Anita seem to be the most intelligent about food. Anita apologizes to the lobster as she sacrifices it to the greater good. (Not according to the lobster, I guess, though). Art is funny, Michael is chatty, Anita and Suzanne keep their heads down and cook cook cook.

Suzanne is worried about the grouper and says that it can’t be undercooked. Art says his lamb has come out slightly undercooked, but he prefers that to the alternative. Suzanne is ready early.

Art goes first and sees that the guest diners are previous Top Chef Masters competitors. (I guess I was wrong about the current competitors judging their own food.) I’m trying to figure out if there’s a chef there from each week of the competition. That would mean that each current chef has someone that he or she beat. That would be fair. These are the diners: Michael Cimarusti, Christopher Lee, Ludo Lefebvre, Rick Moonen, Mark Peel and Elizabeth Falkner. Gael, James and Jay are there as well.

Art is cute. He’s nervous.

Art Reinventing Suzanne’s Dish

Ground Lamb Scotch Egg, Sweet Potato Fries & Tomato Tart

Someone says, “There’s a big old egg in there.” Elizabeth says the egg is overcooked. Michael:” To me, this is Art on a plate.” That’s funny that that doesn’t bother me as much as when Debbie said her dish was “Debbie on a plate". Eww. Gael:” He likes to put a little dessert on a plate. I love both the tomato tart and the biscuit.”

Rick Reinventing Michael’s Dish

Quail With Parsnip & Prosciutto Stuffing Over Wild Greens

Elizabeth and Rick Moonen remark that he stepped outside his “typecasting” by not adding chilies. Jay:” It’s taking the dish and giving you another way to look it.” Ludo: ”Eet’s balanced very well. Eet’s a great dish.”

Suzanne Reinventing Art’s Dish

Roast Grouper With Gnocchi, Peas, Bacon & Parsnips

Elizabeth: “My fish feels like it’s a little bit overcooked. The gnocchi is really cold too.” Uh-oh. I didn’t actually get that excited by that dish OR Suzanne. She says she’s a simple basic chef, but she also seemed a little lacking in energy or verve. Not that this is a personality contest, but her food seemed a little dull.

Kelly: “I’m wondering if it’s been sitting.” Elizabeth says when she cooked with her, she did finish early. James thinks the fish may have “once upon a time” been cooked brilliantly, but in the ensuing ten minutes “lost it”. She is sooo going home.

Hubert Reinventing Anita’s Dish

Seared Scallop With Cream Of Sea Urchin Over Fingerling Mashed Potatoes

Hubert has the cutest smile. RM: “These scallops are cooked perfectly.” Ludo: “In MY dish, I do not taste the sea urchin.”

Cutie Michael (sorry, I couldn’t help myself) Reinventing Rick’s Dish

Rack Of Lamb Stuffed With Fig Mostarda, Chickpeas & Fried Rosemary

He’s really chatty with the judges and diners and wants to go through his whole thought process. Michael Cimarusti:”I would have preferred it a little bit more cooked.” AND he thinks there’s a “seasoning deficit”. Christopher:”I think it’s great.” Ludo: “ Eet’s meeeesing a little BOMBE of flaveur.” RM:”This is to me is the BEGINNING of a great dish. Maybe it’s 70% of the way there.” They can’t possibly grade him lower than Suzanne, can they? No. definitely not.

Anita Reinventing Hubert’s Dish

Corn Chawanmushi, Champagne Gelée & Lobster Biscuit Sandwich

Elizabeth: “I love all her thinking in every single piece.” James nods strenuously in agreement. RM: “This is terrific.” Ludo: “What she did here eeeess totally different.”

We see a short bit with Art scurrying around the kitchen and the other chefs kind of clucking affectionately at how much they love him.

At Critics Table, James says Hubert’s scallop was VERY well cooked. Jay asks him if he though his sauce was sea urchin-y enough. Hubert says Pacific Sea Urchin is “quite a bit milder than the one they have in Europe”. Hmmm, I have to remember that.

Anita says she’s happy with her dish. Jay: You are one clever chef. She said she looked at the challenge as being about putting HER signature on it . James wants to know what her secret is for her light biscuits. She says her mother went to school in Tennessee. Gael: “You are SO full of surprises.” Is she talking about the biscuits or her cooking in general... or her mother?

Art says he felt compelled “to add some southerness” to his dish. He ground his own lamb and added fresh pork fat. James says the meat was a bit rare for him. Gael says she thought the egg was overcooked. Art says “Me and eggs, honey…LOTS of issues”…or words to that effect. They all laugh. “I’ve had so many issues I could LAY an egg!” Art’s smart to leave ‘em laughing, even if they don’t like his food.

Suzanne, not knowing how much they REALLY didn’t like her dish, says she thought she could have put a bit more sauce on it. James: “The dish was a bit cold for me.” It’s so funny how he’s putting all these qualifications on his comments. Instead of saying it was cold!, he says “a bit”, or it was “for me”, as if no one else would be bothered by the fact that it was totally cold. I guess he’s just being nice.

Suzanne admits that she plated her food too soon. Even Jay is gentle as he asks her if she felt the fish was cooked “as it should be”. She says grouper is a tough fish to get right. Finally, Jay comes right out and says,”There were some of us at the table who felt it was overdone.” She is definitely out of there.

Rick says he did his dish as an homage to Michael. How sweet. Gael loves it and she says, “How brave of you to go out of your comfort zone”. James: “It also shows this…fresh innocence, this fresh take on Italian cooking.” Rick is delighted. He says nobody has said fresh innocence in his presence for a really long time. More giggles.

Michael says Rick’s dish was a great dish to start from. Jay says, “You like your lamb rare, don’t you?” At least he didn’t say Baaaaaa.

Michael inquires if the lamb was TOO rare. James volunteers that his was too rare as well and that he didn’t get a sense of Rick in the dish. Michael says without Rick’s genius with chilies, he probably would have crushed the lamb flavor. “If I get voted out of the kitchen and I’m respecting my friend (Rick, he means) , then I go home a winner.” Yeah!

Jay: ”For THIS challenge, you cared more about what Rick thought than we did.” He hesitates only for a second before saying YES! More laughs.

The chefs go back to the kitchen. The critics discuss. They love Hubert’s dish. James doesn’t mind it didn’t taste strongly of sea urchin. Gael did. They LOVED Anita’s dish. Gael: “Every aspect was intellectual.” Jay was in awe of it.

They diss Art’s scotch egg, but love his fries.

About Suzanne, Jay says, “I don’t think it was as good a day at the office as it should have been.” James: “The fact that it was sooo cold really did kind of ruin it for me.” (Interesting. It KIND OF ruined it? Either it did or it didn’t. James is definitely hemming and hawing.)

Jay doesn’t think that Michael was comfortable with his dish. He says he’s one of the “most technically experienced cooks” they’ve come across. James says usually his lamb is wonderful. Jay does say his chickpeas were “spectacular”.

James loves Rick’s dish: It “was confident to the core.” Gael: ”It was beautifully balanced.” James also admires Rick’s “quiet respect of Michael’s original dish.“

The chefs are in the kitchen saying how afraid they all are of the critics’ comments. They come back out. Rick and Anita have the highest scores tonight.

Rick

Quickfire – 5 stars

Diners – 4 1/2 stars

Critics – James 5; Gael 4; Jay 4 1/2

Total – 23 stars

Anita

Quickfire – 5 stars

Diners – 4 1/2 stars

Critics – James 4 1/2; Gael 5; Jay 5

Total – 24 stars

Anita wins. The other chefs applaud. Art gives her a big hug. Rick and Anita are excused.

Michael

Quickfire – 4 stars

Diners – 3 stars

Critics – James 3 1/2; Gael 4; Jay 4

Total – 18½ stars

Hubert

Quickfire – 5 stars

Diners – 4 stars

Critics – James 4; Gael 4; Jay 4 1/2

Total – 21 ½ stars

Hubert can return to the kitchen and come back next week.

Art

Quickfire – 4 stars

Diners – 3 stars

Critics – James 2 1/2; Gael 3; Jay 2 1/2

Total – 15 stars

Michael’s score is higher than Art’s, so Michael is safe for next week. He leaves the room.

Suzanne

Quickfire – 4 stars

Diners – 3 stars

Critics – James 2 1/2; Gael 2 1/2; Jay 2 1/2

Total – 14 1/2 stars

Art is safe. Suzanne is sent home. Aww. The chefs all hug her. She says she would come back tomorrow and do the same dish…without the grouper.

What a great episode. It was about food and cooking and we got to watch great chefs doing what they do – cook masterfully.

Cake Boss – A Fire Breathing Mother-In-Law And A Jewelry Bedecked Birthday Cake...SORRY! That Should Be The Other Way Around

Cake Boss

A Blindfold, A Bikini and Breathing Fire

We see scenes of the busy bakery. Lewis comes in for a crazy birthday cake. This year he wants a Tiki party – luau, flowers, fire eaters etc…just your usual tame little birthday shindig.

He tells Buddy he wants flames to come out of the cake. Buddy is taken aback…for only a second before coming up with his idea of a Tiki god with fire shooting out its mouth. We see Buddy on the phone negotiating with a fire “breather”. Wow, his job is multifaceted. The cake is for 125 people and will be made of alternating layers of chaw-co-lot and vanilla sponge with a truffle filling between the layers.

Buddy’s cousin Vinny, (does EVERY Eye-talian-American have a cousin Vinny?) strolls in – thick gold chain and all – and needs Buddy to make his fiancée’s bridal shower cake. He’s marrying Buddy’s wife’s sister, Daniella.

Buddy tells us about all the happy couples from Carla’s bakery: His parents, of course, and then in Buddy’s generation, there is Mauro and sister Madddaaalllennna, sister Grace and Joey, Lisa and Remy and Buddy and his wife, Lisa. And now Vinny and Daniella.

They decide on a suitcase theme and Buddy shows him pictures and it’s a done deal - 3 tiers in a pink fondant.

Buddy shows us an industrial mixer from 1925. Awesome. Then he takes a moment to listen to Mauro griping about all the work that has to be done. Buddy says all he’s doing is icing a cake, which is the easiest part. (Naturally the Cake Boss thinks it is).

Buddy says Mauro should be doing it like lightening and that he (Buddy) could do it blindfolded. Challenge proffered AND accepted. If Buddy CAN ice a cake blindfolded AND make an icing rose, Mauro has to hand out cupcakes in a grass-skirted hula outfit.

Mauro goes to grab the, surprisingly at hand, blindfold. What happens in that bakery when the cameras are off?

The entire bakery staff seems to have assembled in short order to watch…almost as IF this was planned...naaahhh, couldn’t be.

They get quite a show as Buddy performs his magic. He handles the turntable with ease and ices the cakes smoother and straighter with NO eyes than I could do with an EXTRA set (or two) of eyes. THEN (just to display his brilliance even more) Buddy holds a flower nail in his hand and darned if he doesn’t make an absolutely BEAUTIFUL rose AND place it on the cake, still blindfolded. Even Mauro has to give it to him.

Frankie brings back a shopping bag filled with hula supplies, including a grass skirt big enough to cover a Tiki god the size of a volcano. Mauro wears it with a coconut shell bra (the size of ear muffs), which is tied on with LOTS of extra string. He goes downstairs to the bakery and hands out cupcakes. Would you take one or would you run screaming from the huge man in a grass skirt? Maybe for cannoli I’d approach, but cupcakes? I’m not so sure. Mauro goes around asking the customers if they wanted to get lei’ed.

Buddy gets to work on the shower cake, which will be chaw-co-lot cake, with hazelnut filling and chaw-co-lot ganache. Fantastic.

Lisa, Buddy’s Mrs., and Buddy’s mom-in-law, Glawria, stroll in and wanna tawk about the shower cake. Apparently cousin Vinny wasn’t authorized to make the selection and they’re both appalled at the idea of a luggage cake. It doesn’t match the theme (jewelry?!!) at all. Horrors! Glawria wants what Glawria wants.

“Don’t these people communicate?” Buddy asks US. “Don’t they know that they shudda and came to me togedda?” Yeah! You tell them! But Buddy only protests feebly to Lisa and Glawria, because there’s no way he’s going to alienate Glawria. She seems to be in the same alpha female vein as Mama. So Buddy is stuck having to make another cake at the last minute. Imagine the groom thinking he could have some input!

Luckily, they can use the same basic tiers. Buddy tells us about Daniella, one of his decorators, who will be making the central element of the cake. Buddy finds a vintage jewelry holder in the shape of a bustier-ed and bustled female mannequin and Daniella will make an edible replica of it. She studied fine arts at school and using modeling chaw-co-lot to her is no different than using clay. I find that fascinating. Sunshine prints out edible decals which get put all over the cake. Gold paint is added for details.

Buddy moves on to the Tiki head. He has to build a wooden dowelled support structure to hold the HUGE head. They screw things in and add Rice Krispie treats underneath to make the head more stable. It is the size of a small mountain.

Buddy is proud of Daniella’s work. She is an amazing artist. To the jewelry cake, he adds a purse and shoe and lots of jewelry pieces, all made out of fahn-dant and modeling chaw-co-lot. It is superb looking.

They add torches to the corners of the Tiki cake platform. Buddy says he wants to test the cake to make sure it won’t melt when the guy breathes fire on it. He takes a spray can of…FIRE(?!!) or is that compressed air that he blows on a gas lighter type thing? Whatever. Frankie is ready with the fire extinguisher and Buddy puts some flames through the pipe that serves as the mouth. He judges it ready for prime time.

They deliver the cake to the Tiki party. The torches are all lit. Buddy greets Lewis with a big hug. Then he brings out the fire breather and the guy breathes - actually SPITS - fire through the hole in the Tiki god’s mouth. To tell you the truth it’s kind of gross. You can’t tell me that there isn’t plenty of saliva all over that cake. I wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole…on fire or not.

The next scene is just as wild. Buddy’s sister in law’s HUGE bridal shower is more elaborate than most weddings. Mama, cousins, sisters, Glawria, of course, and the entire family are there. Buddy brings in the cake. It looks like it matches the (overly) ornate flocked wallpaper. Daniella is thrilled. She tastes the cake and loves it. Buddy and his team’s incredible work take the cake once again. Give me a choice between a spit-laden Tiki cake or a bedazzled purse and shoe, I’ll eat the shoe…everytime.

Mel Astounds; Jeff's Dish Is Shocking And Debbie's Food Has No Spark

This week starts with the three of them getting ready in their Eden Roc Hotel suite. Melissa does have nice hair. I wonder if that means anything.

They go to Emeril’s Miami restaurant and the guy himself strolls out. He tells them about his great friend Julia and then starts talking about Julie and Julia . I’m dying to see it too. (How did those million people already get to see previews? I’m NOT dialing a radio station for 5 hours.) But what does this have to do with the price of eggs?

Emeril compares the three of them following their passion to Julia (and Julie). That’s a bit of a stretch, but anyway, they get to see a preview of the movie, which is cool. Then they have to cook a three course meal for 20 people and they have $1000 to shop AND they’ll be helped by sous-chefs to be revealed later. Gee, I wonder who they’ll be. They also have to do a dem about part of their menu. That’s a weird combo – to have a cook a huge meal AND demonstrate part of it. Is that at the same time?

They go shopping. Melissa exclaims when she finds a Morbier cheese. Her third course is “a cheese trio” with a salad and a sweet “pochette” Huh? Is that French for Hot Pocket?

Debby says she’s not taking a lot of risks with her menu and she’s just going to show them what Soul-to-Soul is all about?* What the hay is that?!! That sounds like a Tim Meadows/ Saturday Night Life skit.

She says when Julie makes boeuf bourguignon in the movie it reminds her of a Korean short rib dish.

If I had doubts about Jeffrey before (I mean about how much I dislike him and what a faker he is), I have a million times more now. He has just told us that he’s making a meal for “some of the most important people in the culinary world”. Jeffrey utters one little question which, if Bobby at least heard it, he would know for sure he’s not their man.

Before I say what that is, let me just review:

1) He has ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS with which to shop.

2) He is FEEDING IMPORTANT PEOPLE.

This is what he asks the employee at the supermarket:

“DO YOU HAVE ANY FISH STOCK?”

Remember, he didn’t say beef stock. He definitely doesn’t have time to make that. He doesn’t have time to brown the bones, brown the veggies, add the water and boil, boil, boil and THEN clarify (through a crust of beaten whites, if he’s doing it right). He CERTAINLY doesn’t have time to make a demi-glace.

BUT do you know how much time it takes to make a fish stock? TWENTY MINUTES. In fact, you MUST NOT cook it for longer or it gets bitter.

If he’s making the most important meal of his life and depending on supermarket fish stock, it will definitely make its way into the final taste of the dish…which is not a good thing.

I am sooo fed up with Jeffrey. THEN he says “The bar is really high.” Not if YOU'RE still in the competition. He gets all worried in the checkout line that he’ll go over the thousand dollars. THEN we find out his total is $317.14. Putz.

The arrive at the venue and see a long table set up with all the name tags of the people who will be tasting their menus: François Payard , Marcus Samuelsson, the Neelys, Rick Bayless, John Besh, Emeril, Bobby, Morimoto, Tyler, Anne Burrell and Alex Guarnaschelli.

Debbie gets Michael, Melissa gets Jamika and Jeffrey gets Katie. (Good.)

Melissa’s Menu

Ratatouille & Potato Torte

Brick Herb Chicken With Orzo

Cheese Trio, Salad & Chocolate Orange Pochette

Melissa looks as if she doesn’t know how to handle a rolling pin and she’s rolling out pastry that looks like it’s 2 inches thick. She says she’s taking a risk doing two things with pastry, but if she’s going to go down, she wants to go down big. It sounds more like a badly conceived menu to me. Melissa tells us she connects with Julia (aka Meryl Streep), telling her viewers “Don’t be afraid.” She says she’s become fearless.

Debbie says her menu is “Debbie on a plate times ten.” Eww.

Debbie’s Menu

Chili-Rubbed Prawns

Kreen (Okay, Korean) Short Ribs & Crispy Grit Cake

Asian Pear Eggroll With Rum Butterscotch

Jeffrey’s Menu

Seared Scallop & Green Chile Chutney

Seafood Risotto

Chocolate Mousse With Biscotti

Do any of these folks understand about menu planning? If THIS is your one time to impress a bunch of foodies, are you really going to serve 2 seafood dishes, Jeffrey? Plus making risotto for 20 people in a high pressure situation (unless you’re a chef with lots of help) is not a good idea anyway. Let’s see if I eat my words.

Katie asks Jeffrey what his budget was and how much he spent. He says he’ll either be a hero or an idiot. (Guess which one I vote for?)

Michael is concerned that Debbie’s short ribs won’t be tender enough. She assures us that they will be, but when she says Kreens like to GNAW ON THEIR MEAT, I’m not sure that bodes well for her dish.

Jeffrey says about his risotto, “It’s fragile, it’s risky, but I’m going to go for it.” YOU don’t know what you’re doing, and I’M going to go with that. Katie and Debbie are worried about the risotto too. Debbie, you’ve got your own almost-certain-to-fail dish to worry about…

Melissa, with a definite orange-y looking fake tan (on her face), says this is the most important meal she has ever cooked. Well, putting 3 blobs of cheese on a plate with hot pockets probably might not have been the way to go.

Jamika (apparently) oversalts Melissa’s orzo. The potato torte is not browned. Mel decides to switch the starches and serve the orzo first and give the potato thing a little more time to sit.

Ooh, Sunny is there too. Melissa strides out and starts her presentation with a VERY confusing statement. “We shouldn’t fear failure, we should fear success at the wrong thing.” She wants “this job” (TNFNS), because it fits who she is and she says something about her mom and her two little girls and I’m wondering if she’s going to get the Spanish household thing in. If only she could change it to Swedish to appeal to Marcus.

She’s kind of blathering on as she talks about a holiday mother-daughter tea party they used to have and they would cook for MONTHS…and that’s where she learned to bring joy to people or something like that. And THEN, OMG, listen to this: “When I was in college, my mom committed suicide.”

I don’t even know what to say. To be honest, I can’t remember if we knew that already, but the folks at the table certainly didn’t. On a purely practical level, that statement completely negates all that talk about the sweet holiday parties.

Obviously, her mother was cooking herself into a total frenzy and…Wait, Melissa is STILL talking. "My mom killed herself and so I got good with getting a meal on the table, I went to business school", she says, "And climbed my way up the corporate ladder." Huh? We’re still trying to absorb that shocking statement and she’s going on and on with more information.

I actually think it was rather brave of Melissa to come out with that, especially since it obviously was a big part of making her who she is. And, boy, am I going to feel dumb if I wrote about it weeks ago and just forgot! I’m not sure, however, that the sudden and surprising way she brought it up will work to her advantage. But maybe…

The thing I DO object to is that she’s been selling herself as a mom and housewife and NOW she’s using the (really hackneyed) phrase “climbing the corporate ladder”, so she can add THAT group to her fan base. PLUS she’s talking really slowly AND loudly. She’s already lost me and I’m sure she’s losing those folks.

Well, I got it completely wrong…at least what the culinary folks think. Bobby says she’s thoughtful and poetic. Emeril is looking at her with a smile. Sunny is touched by her story. I guess I’m just a scrooge, but I know what she’s about to serve them and they don’t.

Then she says she has a mother-in-law from Nice (goodie, now the French can join her devotees), who taught her how to make a proper ratatouille. Pat Neely says the texture is good. Rick Bayless says the flavors are delicious.

Melissa gives a demo right there and then during the second course. She’s talking at them, while they’re eating her chicken and potato torte. Maybe it’ll take their minds off the crunchy potatoes. Rick again is complimentary. François says she was talking about a crust and he never saw a crust on his chicken AND his was overcooked. Sunny says her chicken was one of the dry ones, but she loved the potato dish.

Melissa says they always have cheese and a salad for dessert at her house. Remind me not to go there during blueberry season…or chocolate cake season…or when I'm needing some crème brulée.

Sunny and John LOVE the pastry. He says she’s an artisan…Well, so are the people that make steel radial tires. He says her ratatouille was incredible, the potato torte was an A plus, and the pastry was incredible. Marcus says she’s done a great job. Bob says he had to hunt through the salad to see what she made and he found the pastry. Alex says let’s get rid of the cheeses and bring on a big plate of those “cookies”.

Debbie comes bounding out and she says her folks emigrated here 60 years ago and ALL they knew how to make was fried chicken, greens and cornbread. HUH? They learned THAT in Kree-a and brought it here? Or does she mean they emigrated from North to South…Carolina. I have NO IDEA what she’s talking about.

She goes into something about blending her southern cooking with her grandmother’s Korean cooking. No one at the table can taste anything Korean in her first course. Tyler says it’s southwestern. Alex says they’re waiting to see her express her culture…but obviously, she hasn’t.

Debbie says the short ribs are served for special occasions. Gina says they taste a little bland. François says they’re tough. Rick likes it that they aren’t braised.

Dessert is served and she does a demo of her Asian pear eggroll. Pat loves the demo, Marcus loves the filling, but says the dough is raw. She says she’s sorry.

Jeffrey comes out. He demos his first course, scallops. Tyler loves the demo and the first course. He says it was flawless.

Jeffrey says the next course is as much his wife as it is him. (Don’t blame HER!) He says they’ve travelled many times to Italy and he gets blown away by the texture of the risotto. As he’s talking, he notices that people are looking at him kinda cross-eyed.

François says he likes his personality, but that the risotto is the worst he’s ever had in his life. THEN François says, “It’s like killing the Italian cooking.” Good one!

Marcus says, “You had me” with the first course, but that the risotto is “a disrespect to Italy”. Yeah! And I’m sure that bought fish stock didn’t help things.

Bobby says we gave you $1000. He asks how much he spent. Jeffrey says $370. Liar. Not that it matters. He’s so over. (Debbie would have been pilloried for that.)

He starts babbling about the dessert and how he and his daughter make biscotti over the weekend and how he likes mousse and that it fills his mouth with lots of flavor. He oughta fill his mouth with something (ANYTHING) and stop talking.

Alex interrupts him and says she thinks it’s just delicious and that she’s really connected to him. (Maybe she’s going through a dry spell or something). Tyler likes it and him too.

He leaves and they discuss. Anne likes his demo the most and says he was the most polished. Rick says Melissa’s food was the best. Emeril thinks she was gutsy to do what she did. Marcus reminds them she’s not a chef and that people can relate to that. Morimoto, a man of few words, “To ME, Debbie”.

Evaluation time. My prediction: Melissa is safe for sure. They HATED Jeffrey’s risotto, but they liked HIM. Debbie didn’t seem to have as many boosters. I will say…Debbie will go home.

Bob tells Melissa there’s only one word to describe her week after week: surprising. He tells her that François Payard said her pastry for dessert was amazing. (Do you have to keep rubbing in how very wrong I was?) Bobby didn’t think her demo was particularly good. Bob basically says she talks too much and she does have stuff to say, but she needs to edit. (Maybe the part about violent death should be the first thing to go.)

Bob says he was incredibly impressed with Jeffrey’s first course. But the judges all remark on the poor risotto and how little money he spent. Bobby says he should have thrown 5 lobsters in there and just made it unbelievably aromatic. Hello? FRESH fish (or shellfish) stock, anyone? Bob says if the meal had been better, the money wouldn’t have been a big deal, but it didn’t feel like a luxurious meal.

Bobby says Debbie came off just like Debbie. He says he wanted more flavor from her dishes. Bob says she has warmth and humor, but that her food was mixed bag (of good and bad, I guess). Bobby says he doesn’t want her to change soul-to-soul, but he wants to TASTE it.

Bob gives them a last chance to tell them anything they want to. Melissa does her gross marketing spiel about how there’s a market out there not being addressed. She brings in the 4 kids again. (In the dining room, she was a high powered career woman. Who uses those words anymore anyway?) And she adds, “Good news, I can cook.”

Debbie’s plea for staying is that she’s a human. Yup, that’s what she said. (I AM really loving this episode.) And that she can enjoy her life and who she is. And she adds something about loving America.

THEN she loses them even more when she says, “Not only do I represent the Koreans (and) the Americans. I think I understand the whole population! And I think I’M the person THEY want to study.” You mean like behind bars in a zoo? Susie actually grimaces. Debbie is definitely gone.

Jeffrey's defense for keeping him is that he won’t let them down.

The three leave the room and Bobby says Melissa has improved the most. Bob says she’s a wild card. I guess that’s a good thing? He says Jeffrey is strong. And, good, it seems like Bobby is with me. He says Jeffrey hasn’t shown a lot of range during the whole process. Susie and Bob think Debbie is “camera-ready”.

They come back in. Bobby says it wasn’t easy. He says Melissa has made it to the final two. Knew it! Jeffrey is staying. Debbie is gone!!! She thanks them graciously. I didn’t think she was terrible this week, but since she should have been given the heave-ho weeks ago, it was lucky she made it this long.

Jeffrey and Melissa talk on the balcony of the hotel. Melissa, throw him off! Then you could add felons to your fan club.

*My VERY intelligent reader, Kathy, pointed out below that Debbie probably meant Seoul to Soul. That DOES makes A LOT more sense.