All About The Food Network Awards

There's a bit of red carpet footage, before the 9 o'clock hour. I'm going to be really mad, if they started early and I missed something. No, it seems ok. Various Food Network celebs are arriving. Oh, there's Giada being interviewed by Unwrapped's Marc Summers. Dave Lieberman looking very under dressed. All these folks look like they're coming out of the very same limo. They just switched the numbers to make it look like they're in different cars. Oh, there's Nigella's chest followed by the rest of her. My MY! She is getting quite prosperous, isn't she?

The show is starting. Emeril comes out. Good choice for host. He's very warm.
He tells us that a select panel from the Food Network Kitchens chose the nominees...and presumably the winners. Doesn't that make this whole thing bogus? Aren't they just picking the companies or products that partner with the Food Network on a regular basis? Isn't it kind of odd to have an awards show where you don't who the judge or jury is...

Ah well, back to the festivities. Rachael and Giada present the first award. I was a little worried about how ANYONE would look standing next to Giada, but RR handles it ok. They are giving the award for HOT Chocolate. Oh, I get it...it's the best chocolate company. And the nominees are...a company that uses fair trade cocoa beans, some real gourmet guy and a cool gal that makes chocolates in exotic flavors. I don't know about you, but I'm rooting for the fair trade guy. Rachael opens the envelope. Giada announces the winner. It's the gourmet guy from Garrison Confections. They don't even let him up on the stage. He's handed the award by some middle aged guy. Is that George Duran? I think it is.

Paula Deen and Bobby come out. She's looking gooooood. She's giving out the Edible Entrepreneur award. Interesting nominees actually. The Boiled Peanut Catalog , Alicia Polak's Khaya Cookie Company that "creates opportunity one bite at a time by hiring men and women from townships across South Africa to bake handmade cookies and provides men and women with a steady income and a sense of pride and dignity." Well, how could you not want them to win? The last nominee is a nice looking man who invented the Plantain Peeler. Yeah, I'm still going with the cookie lady. The winner is YES!!! My pick - Alicia Polak. Oh, she's accepting her award off the stage too. Why are they doing that? It looks like they don't think these folks are good enough to rub elbows with the glitterati of the Food Network. That's dumb. This seems like it's going to be one long commercial for a bunch of random products.

Ice Cream is next. Alton comes out accompanied by Nigella's protruding frontal parts. He seems a bit frantic talking to Nigella. I think he's genuinely stunned by the size of her chest and its upfrontedness. He'd probably like to do his usual scientific exploration...BTW, Alton looks quite youthful tonight. Ice Cream nominees: Izzy's is a homemade artisan ice cream, plus they get a lot of their power from solar panels.The next, MooBella, is a truly cool ice cream vending machine that allows you to order the flavor of your choice with different mix-ins. Each portion is made to order. The last is a Goat's Ice Cream. Yup, that's what I said. Not Ice Cream FOR goats, ice cream MADE FROM goat's milk. I hope the goat wins. No, not the company or the owner, but the goat. Naa...Moo Bella wins. Technology will take it every time.

Paula's back with the Delivery Of The Month award. Aren't they getting a little desperate now?
It's between Bacon

Potato Chips

and A Whole Bunch Of Stuff

Both Bacon AND Potato Chips lose!!! Now we know this is fixed!!! The Z Club's bunch of stuff wins. Oh, no, they're not there, Paula will accept for them.

Now, Emeril's "dear friend" Catherine Zeta-Jones comes out with Aaron Eckhardt. They made a movie where they play chefs. They're presenting a scholarship to the CIA - all expenses paid for 4 years, plus a job in the Food Network kitchens (as long as they don't let the kid near Sandra Lee, it'll be ok).

They're going to tell us about all the finalists. The first one is a nice boy (with a blind mother), who loves to cook and help take care of the family. He's so deserving, they better give a scholarship to ALL the finalists. I'll be mad if they don't. Well...surprise...surprise Matthew Finkel is the ONLY finalist, and he indeeds wins and it's very nice and very moving. Although, even HE can't come up to the stage. Alton is dispatched to interview him from the aisle.

The next thing is WHAT??? Favorite Childhood Read. What does that have to do with the price of eggs???? Oh, they're all about food. Apparently, the viewers picked Green Eggs and Ham. Great...I'm still not convinced this was worth missing Desperate Housewives.

Sandra Lee is giving the award for best supermarket.

Of the 3, Trader Joes

Wegman's

and Whole Foods , they seemed to give the most florid description to Wegman's, so I wasn't surprised when they won.

Nigella and Bobby come out, with Nigella literally flailing her chest into Bobby's shoulder. Oh, I guess she couldn't really help it. They introduced G. Love. Who?? His song was accompanied by a montage of our favorite FN stars. Wonderful... I'm missing Carlos and Gaby for this...

Bobby is out alone now.

Ok, now we're talking. He thanked all the fans, really sincerely...he's snazzy.

Best Burger award is his to give.

Burgerville, uses local ingredients and has a "serious devotion to sustainability". There are 2 others, but they didn't win, Burgerville did.

Now Jason Somebody, some kind of ballplayer maybe, is giving the award for the best Ball Field Food. I can understand this award, because the absolutely only thing that makes the sheer boredom of a baseball game bearable is the food. I went to a game once - it was some team in California - and I started with a quite good hot dog with relish, then nachos with a delightful cheese sauce and I made a cup of really frozen Italian ice last four and a half innings! Boy, did I have to concentrate on scraping that sucker down to nothing. I didn't even have to take out my Sudoku. Anyway, the ball fields are vying for best food. It seems clear who the winner should be and it is Citizen's Bank Park in Philadelphia. Really, how can anyone can compete with a homegrown Cheesesteak.

I think the whole purpose of this show was to have a big cap-off to February's Food Network South Beach Wine & Food Festival. Plus there was the bonus of having one and half hours of programming that they could promote up the wazoo.

Alton Brown introduces the Play with Food category.

There's Produce Portraits

Woman with Jello

Tortilla painter

- yes, he uses tortillas AS CANVASES

and a mosaic guy.

I want the Jello lady to win.. OH Good, SHE WON. Liz Hickok, you're one sick puppy.

The Humanitiarian Award Of The Entire Universal Galazy Of The World Forever Award is next. Oh, it's just the Humanitarian Of The World. OOH, the winner (there were no nominees, just one winner) is Floyd Cardoz of Tabla. I love him. He took a trip to New Orleans after Katrina and the plight of all the restaurant owners and suppliers really affected him. He mobilized his New York colleagues to use New Orleans products and he's a really good guy. OH, HE'S allowed up on stage. I guess because he's one of them. He's very emotional, accepting his award. I like him. He's lovely.

Rachael Ray by herself. First ever Hall of Fame Award goes to Julia. Well, of course, who else? That's nice. If they show Sandra Lee giving a quote about her, I'll gag. No, thank goodness, they didn't. Emeril, Bobby, even Paula...ok, we're safe. Emeril accepts on her behalf. He seems genuinely moved. They show scenes of Julia on his show. I remember that. He was so respectful towards her. "God bless you, baby, I love you", he says. Ditto. Only Emeril could get away with calling Julia "Baby". Nice moment.

Albert Pujols and his wife come out. What exactly are they doing here? Yes, I know he's with the St. Louis Cardinals. (I looked it up.) Oh, he explains why he's a presenter. His wife watches the Food Network. Oh, of course, that's why he's there...Huh???!!!%%%###!!! Well, she seems cute and nice, so they can stay. Oh boy, this is a big one. They reveal that Burgers and Fries won. Won what? Oh my, this is getting really dull, when they have to hand out prizes to fast food.

Just in time, the glamorous pair of Giada and Bobby come out. They do make a nice couple. Their award is Delicious Destination. Portland, Oregon is the first nominee. Their restaurants DO look good. Minneapolis, Minnesota is next. More sausages there than you can shake a stick at. Wait, their Mayor is really hot. I want them to win. Portland, Maine is next. They're going BEYOND lobster rolls, we're told. Why they would want to is beyond me. Portland, Oregon wins. The Mayor is on film. He's very grateful.

Ok, is it over yet? 11 more minutes to get through. Where was Ina, anyway?

Rachael and Sandra come out to present something or other about technology. Sandra's food is so shot through with chemicals and additives and poison that she's probably the right person to do this one. The first is an oven that cooks superfast. I'm not impressed. Then, there's an oven which is also a fridge. You can leave your meat or stew or anything in there in the morning, program it for sometime in the afternoon, and then when you come home at night, your meal is cooked!!! That is simply stupendous. That must win! The last is called the Anti-Griddle and apparently it freezes on contact. Why would I want to do that. I have no interest in making ice cream from a little pile of duxelles or sorbet from a blob of tomato sauce. No thank you. The Anti-griddle wins. NO! I want a RECOUNT!!!

Next, the viewers have voted on the appliance you can't live without. The winner is the MICROWAVE!!! Heathens! I use my microwave plenty, but who in their right mind would choose a microwave over a food processor??? You know what? Go ahead and keep your stupid microwaves. I just don't care anymore. I'm just waiting for this to be over. I don't know how much more I can take. Hey, where is Michael Chiarello? He was in the Red Carpet pictures. I haven't seen him. I guess they're saving him for something big.

They're back after a commercial. What? The show is over!!!! Already? Where DID the time go?

Ok, this is the final scoop. Emeril was affable enough, but he didn't really have much to do. Nigella was a good sport to participate in this pointless exercise. Paula's vibrant personality shone through. Giada and Rachael HAD to be there, since Rachael is the rock star of the FN and Giada is close on her heels of being a part of everything last darn thing in the universe that you can cook or sell. And Bobby was one hunk of telegenic chefness, just waiting to be let loose at his grill or, at least, at the margarita station.

But, really, it was a worthless way to spend a Sunday night.