The Food Network - How Did We Get Here From There?

I've been thinking lately about how the Food Network got to be the Food Network and I remembered that I had a Chefography episode about just that thing. I wanted to figure out how the glory days of Mario, Emeril and Sara led us to where we are today. This is how it happened:

The first scene is of a baby-faced Emeril, Bobby and Sara, who looks exactly the same today. We’re told that the Food Network began as a series of cooking demonstrations. The shows had such low budgets that they taped them all the way through without stopping the camera.

Bob Tuschman begins by telling us that a channel devoted to food is a channel devoted to living. We hear from the president of The Food Network (THEY all say Food Network without the THE. I think it sounds weird). Brooke Johnson, president of (the) Food Network says their goal is “to make cooking more fun and accessible to people”.

In 1963, Julia “re-defined and re-energized” food television on PBS. She was followed by many major food personalities with their own PBS shows – Martin Yan and Jacques Pepin for example. In 1992, CNN co-founder Reese Schonfeld decided to start the CNN equivalent of food news. The TV Food Network started on November 23rd, 1993 in a small New York City studio.

Interestingly, the TV Food Network didn’t have a kitchen, so they concentrated on food NEWS shows, with the occasional cooking demo. I vaguely remember Food News & Views with David Rosengarten and Donna Hanover. They filled the rest of their 24 hour programming with repackaged cooking shows from the 1950’s and 60’s.

I don’t remember Robin Leach’s Talking Food. But apparently that was the first show Bobby was on with co-host Kate Connelly. His 15 minute cooking segments were so long that he got to know her well enough to marry her. (She was wife number two. His third and current wife is the talented and gorgeous Stephanie March.)

In 1994 came How to Boil Water with Emeril and the rest, as they say, is history. He was little known, like the network, when they started this “cooking show for beginners.”

In 1996, Food Network gave Emeril his own Essence of Emeril. TV Guide called it one of the top 10 TV shows of the year. We learn that Emeril started “BAM!” as a way to keep people awake after taping 8 shows a day.

In 1994, the Food Network, relocated to a 3000 square foot studio with flimsy kitchen sets. Bob tells us that then the network concentrated on “just” cooking shows, as if that somehow was a lowly enterprise. Marc Summers says the shows were educational, not necessarily entertaining.

I’m not really liking the characterization of the old food network as boring on account of their mainly instructional shows. Fine, add your road shows and competitions and other stuff, but keep the good old stuff too. Weren’t any of these people scouts? (Goodness knows they love to throw in a girl scout at a moment’s notice.) Don’t they remember Make new friends, but keep the old?

We see their very basic kitchens in the studio with just burners. It was funny to see Mario pretend to take something out of the oven, when he was really just reaching down and grabbing it off a shelf.

And with no budget for editing, we see Bobby struggling with a food processor and Mario cutting his hand and then dunking it in tomatoes so the blood wouldn’t show! Boy, did that sting! Sara had 3 fires on her show LIVE!

The early days were built around fantastic chefs. They had a show called Chef Du Jour which featured lots of New York chefs. It was a way for them to vet new stars for their network. Bobby said there was prejudice at the time amongst restaurant chefs about appearing on television. My how times have changed! They showed Mario and Tyler who looked 12 years old. Plus Too Hot Tamales…Loved them.

The Food Network “survived and thrived”. In 1997, it was bought by Scripps, owner of HGTV. They began to “break out of the studio.” to “show food in a whole new way”, according to Bob. They pumped money into the network and upped the quality of the shows.

Emeril Live was the hallmark of the revamped channel with its live audience, band and celebrity guests. (Fine Living has just started airing Emeril Live, including some never before seen shows.)

Alton Brown was introduced in 1999 with Good Eats. His shtick included oven and fridge cams.

A Food Network executive saw the Japanese version of Iron Chef in 1998, when it was shown on just a few stations in the States. He was enthralled. The Food Network began broadcasting the original in July of 1999. (I had forgotten how funny the dubbed English voices are. Japanese food tasters sure giggle a lot.)

Okay, here’s a test. What new Food Network host of 2001 said, “You’re champagne, I’m beer”? Of course, it should have been more like “You’re champagne, I’m Kool-Aid. “

Yup, it was none other than Rachael Ray who started a whole progression of non-chef hosts (but the others were REAL food professionals – Paula, Ina in 2002 with a party at the end of each show, Giada, oh and Aunt Sandy in 2003. The FN had 75 million viewers by 2003 in great part because of their Saturday morning cooking shows.

In July of 2004, they moved to a fantastic new building in Chelsea. They had well-equipped kitchens, lots of studios and they began featuring more travel shows and other “entertainment” type offerings, like Unwrapped and competition shows like the World Series of Barbecue.

In 2005, with Bobby Flay, Mario and Morimoto behind the stove, they launched another version of IC - Iron Chef America. Alton Brown hosted. Bob said it got its chops from the fact that chefs are by nature competitive.

We get a glimpse of one of their newest hosts Anne Burrell as Mario’s sous chef on Iron Chef. That was fun. They reminded us of the debacle of Bobby and Giada losing to Mario and Rach.

We’re told that viewers like the drama, tension and artistry of those various competitions. TNFNS is so out that league that it’s pathetic. The only artistry is in Susie’s carefully arranged curls. The tension comes from looking at the clock and wishing the hour was over NOW.

They use Ingrid as an example of new cuisines that they’re anxious to include. That’s fine if you consider an inability to pronounce Worcestershire sauce the only requirement of an authentic Latin show.

They say in the old days of the Food Network, food took a back seat, but now “the preparation and appearance of food is a priority.” Bob says something funny, (yeah he did). “The food practically has its own its own agent, its own makeup person, its own stylist.”

Then they talked about how they look for talent in many different ways. They talked about finding Guy and being in 95 million homes. Bob says how lucky they are to have so many of their first generation stars and that they’re always looking for new talent.

They should show this history of the network more often. I have to admit it did leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy about some of my favorites on the Food Network. But then…THEN, I get kind of enraged when I remember that the legacy of Mario and Sara and Emeril could very well end up in the hands of a self-described “actor and server” with questionable culinary skills named Adam Gertler.

O Emeril, Emeril! Wherefore Art Thou Emeril?*

It’s official. The Food Network's connection to Emeril Live will be confined only to afternoon repeats.

Fine Living (shown in a little more than half the Food Network’s 90 million homes) has picked it up. Starting July 7th, they will show a new Emeril Live every Monday night with repeats the other six nights, after an initial premiere week of five original episodes. It will be shown in the same time block as his corporate boss Martha Stewart’s show every weekday evening.

The big news here is that this prolongs the life of Emeril Live and leaves open the possibility of future seasons. The Scripps Network does own both the Food Network AND Fine Living. I guess they felt that Emeril's high profile would be of more benefit to Fine Living.

Good luck to everyone’s favorite Cajun chef.

*Yes, I know that doesn't really mean "Where are you Emeril?" but I couldn't resist the poetic sounding title...

Robert Irvine: Resumé Impossible

I wasn't going to write about this when I first read about it a little bit ago, because I don't like to harp on anyone's misfortune. (YES, it's true...other evidence to the contrary.)

But just today, I've seen 2 references to this sad affair. The first was an article in the British press (we had it here first), sent by my UK-living sister. It detailed the whole affair about Robert Irvine’s exaggerating his contact with the British royal family. I guess in Britain that’s nearly treasonous.

My second brush with Irvine today was that, just after I read that the Food Network had fired him* (or actually they “have not renewed (his) contract for future seasons, but will fulfill (their) contractual obligations to him”), I received the newest Food Network newsletter in my inbox. It featured a wonderful sounding Coconut Pudding that I had to take a look at. Guess whose recipe it is? Yup, Dinner Impossible’s Robert Irvine.

It’s rather ironic, considering they’ve banished any reference to him on their Hosts/Celebrity Chefs page. Dinner Impossible is still on the air…for now, but the FN says they’ve gone back and made sure that any references to his deceitful claims have been removed. So why include him in the current newsletter? Any intern could have substituted another recipe with a few clicks.

It’s a shame, but, of course, they had to fire him. The part that makes no sense is that Irvine was perfectly qualified and had tons of culinary experience to impress his Food Network suitors. He didn’t NEED to lie. He comported himself quite well on his show, where he went about cooking in the most extreme circumstances.

This isn’t, of course, the first instance of a high achiever lying on a resumé. But it really is insane, especially when the truth is so easy to fish out. Being knighted by The Queen is one of the easier prevarications to figure out, I would imagine.

Lying on your resumé isn’t just bad if someone finds out. It’s a spurious path you’re taking on the road to success, and it’s paved with undeniable peril and the morass of quicksand.

*This is almost as bad as banishing him to an 8 AM Sunday timeslot.

The Food Network To Protect The Phrase "Worst Cook In America"

Here's an interesting article about that.

I guess they already have the term "Worst Cooking Show In America" all tied up.

The Food Network's Top 100 Recipes of 2007

The Food Network Newsletter arrived the other day announcing their Top 100 Recipes of 2007. It was actually interesting.

Some of their newsletters are a bit busy with SO MUCH to look at, I end up not reading anything…20 egg recipes, 50 cocktail recipes, videos, latkes, blintzes AND gingerbread houses. I prefer targeted searches for recipes, comparing like with like…

Back to THIS newletter, though...one problem is what exactly do they mean by the top 100 recipes of 2007? Is it the top downloaded recipes from the Food Network website? The top searched for? The most commented on? I guess it’s probably the most downloaded, but, why oh why, would Swiss Steak be number 13? I guess Miss Paula must have many fans. And a nice recipe, but certainly nothing earth-shattering, Easter Pie, a ricotta filled free-form baked good from Giada, is number 17.

Number One, Creamy Macaroni and Cheese, belongs to Paula Deen as does Number 100, Bobby's Goulash, plus 47 recipes in between. She is the most represented food network host by far.

Coming in second, but a mile away, is Giada with 14 recipes – ranging all the way from #12, Chicken Tetrazzini, to #85, Linguine with Shrimp and Lemon Oil.

The Food Network Kitchens supplied 10 of the top 100 recipes of the year, and poor Ina came in with 7 recipes, her highest breaking the top 20 at #18, Crunchy Noodle Salad.

Cutie Tyler followed closely with 6 recipes on the list. That ass Alton (I only say that because of the comments that he disses his heavyweight fans) had the top 2 of the top 3 recipes (in other words numbers two and three) AND numbers 41 and 95. That’s quite a spread. Emeril also had 4 recipes on the list.

Wonder of wonders, RR had only 4 recipes, but I’m putting an asterisk next to her name, because one of them was a recipe that Emeril did. Sandy wangled her way on to the top 100 with recipes 65 and 79. I guess America just couldn't live without Bat Sandwiches and Spider's Nest Dip.

Lovely Sara Moulton made the top half with recipe #42, Gruyere Potato Gratin. The last Food Network personality on the list is The Surreal Gourmet, whoever that is, with recipe #25, Beer Can Chicken.

What does this all mean? I guess that Paula has many internet savvy fans, which I'm delighted with. I’m relieved that RR was barely on the list, but also a bit baffled. I get that people search for her syndicated show’s recipes on THAT site. But if she has so many shows on the FN, then why aren’t more people looking for THOSE recipes? Of course, they’re terrible, but that doesn’t stop her from being all over the airwaves.

I am confused by the Contessa’s light showing. The only thing I can think of is that so many people have her books that they don’t bother searching for her recipes.

And, of course, the absence of my fav, Michael, can be explained by his banishment to the Siberia of the network's schedule. If you're not watching him in the early hours of Saturday am, then you're not downloading his recipes. But where are Bobby and Mario (there are still TONS of his recipes on the site)?

The stars that are front and center have the most popular recipes, I suppose. But that still doesn't explain the lack of RR on the list. Maybe the culinary fate of our country is in better hands than I thought. And just think of all the business that the heart surgeons will be getting...

The largest percentage of recipes are in the chicken category, followed closely by desserts. Beef is next with Pasta and Holiday recipes following suit. The rest are side dishes, pasta, potatoes(?)(!) – why did they need their own category? – seafood and pork. Are we to take from this that the largest percentage of Americans are eating chicken, not necessarily prepared in a health conscious way? And that we’re eating almost as much pork as seafood?

I've said it before...my favorite shows, my favorite chefs and hosts are those that TEACH ME SOMETHING. If I want to watch a travel show, I'll go to the National Geographic Channel, where I can get alligators thrown in for nothing. If I want a decorating show, there's HGTV. And if I want mindless entertainment, there's no end of channels to choose from.

This is the final tally:

Top 100 Recipes by Host
Paula 47
Giada 14
Food Network Kitchens 10
Ina 7
Tyler 6
Emeril 4
Alton 4
RR 4*
Sandy 2
Sara 1
Robin Miller 1
The Surreal Gourmet 1

Top 100 Recipes By Category Chicken 27
Desserts 20
Beef 12
Pasta 8
Holiday 8
Side dishes 8
Seafood 6
Potatoes 6
Pork 5

You would think the FN would have had an intern to do the statistical analysis, but whatever…

* Recipe number 64, Yummy Mummy, was done on Emeril Live, but it's RR's recipe.

The Flimflam Food Network

There's NO Michael Chiarello to be found on the FN this morning. Imagine my horror when I turn it on and check the listings. There is a RR special(!!!), which is not only NOT Michael, but horrid as well. I can't have been dreaming when I saw Easy Entertaining listed at 11:30, can I? I think they're practicing the old bait and switch. Well, it didn't work. I'll go nag my kids until Giada at noon.

UMMMM...after some more intensive research, it seems THAT I WAS WRONG. Yes, it's true. And I'd like to offer the Food Network a halfway formal apology (only about THIS). It seems that the schedule I was looking at was FRIDAY'S, when MC was INDEED on at 11:30. BUT why did Friday's schedule come up as TODAY'S, after 1 am??! Then it's Saturday, genuises. I do apologize, but I'm not changing my headline...

Thank You Food Network!!!

For some inexplicable reason, when I was checking the Food Network schedule for Saturday on the digital cable program listing thingie, it kept saying To Be Announced.

Just now, when I looked at the FN website, it says MICHAEL IS ON AT 11:30 am! Could it be?!! Have they finally listened to reason and brought my California cowboy back where he belongs? Actually I prefer 1 pm, but I'll take 11:30 am. And just because there's a review on the website of one of the recipes from 2005(!), I still don't care. A 2 year old Michael episode is worth more than a brand new one from...well, so many of the current FN hosts...I won't even go into it. Thank goodness harmony is being restored in the universe.

I better not get up in the morning to find a different program schedule...If I see Ingrid's face at 11:30, I will be in a tizzy from here to South Beach.

The Food Network Has New Fish To Fry

Great article about the Food Network in the business section of The New York Times today. That's appropriate, because their programming has certainly been less about COOKING lately.

There was some GOOD NEWS!!! Next year, there will be "only" sixty new 30 Minute Meals from Rachael Ray, instead of the usual 80!

Honchos at the FN claimed, yet again, how much they loved Emeril, even after cancelling "Emeril Live". Gosh, who knows what they would have done, if they had actually admitted to being tired of him?

Mario is another story. Although there are some potential joint projects in the works, Mario knows his day there is done. “They don’t need me. They have decided they are mass market and they are going after the Wal-Mart crowd,” which he said was “a smart business decision. So they don’t need someone who uses polysyllabic words from other languages.” I really don't think Mario meant that to come off as elitist as it sounds. I think he just meant that the Food Network wants to appeal to the lowest possible common denominator these days.

Many of these changes apparently came when the FN's important weekend shows (its "In The Kitchen" lineup - actual COOKING shows) lost some viewership. What I can't tell from the article is whether this happened WHEN they switched around the lineup (removing Michael Chiarello for one), OR this is WHY they switched it up. I don't know, I just know that once he was gone, I turned off the Food Network after Ina on Saturday afternoons, never to return that day.

We also got an explanation of the whole Bobby Flay deal with Kohl's. Apparently, the Food Network was tired of its chefs becoming stars and putting their names on every little thing and not getting a piece of the action. So, now, the network is becoming much more Godfather-like in the marketing deals they are making with their hosts. That's why we can't feel too bad for Emeril. The Food Network has NO stake in his vast empire. That sounds like it will change from here on in for its other stars.

Couldn't the lesson here be that they could do two things at once? They could appeal to younger viewers (more desirable to advertisers) in primetime perhaps, while AT THE SAME TIME, give us foodies what we really want - cooking by COOKS or CHEFS? All we want is authentic QUALITY instruction with great tips and fine recipes. How hard could it be to serve that up? A smorgasbord of quality AND quackery. Keep your nonsense, if you have to, just don't take away our favorite cooks and chefs.

Bobby Sells His Wares

The always cute Bobby Flay will be selling a line of kitchenware at Kohl's next spring. It will be produced jointly by The Food Network and Kohl’s Department Stores.

Is there any Food Network Star who isn't shilling merchandise?
I don't actually mind, though. Emeril's pots are good, Mario Batali's pots are sensational and stunning, and I'm sure Bobby's will be fine.

Apparently, he is the first of the Food Network's celebrity chefs to collaborate with the Food Network on these products. I'm not exactly sure what that means, except that I guess he'll have larger marketing opportunities, coupled with a smaller piece of the pie.

I was rooting around for more information and I found a page on the Food Network website I didn’t even know existed. It's a list of products offered by every single host on the network from Al Roker to Wolfgang Puck. (Remember, they don't think we're terribly educated, so they alphabetize by first name.)

Many of the hosts only have cookbooks on that site, but some have interesting products. Paula Deen, for example, has a small appliance that measures the fat globules in your bloodstream after eating one her meals. Okay, not really, but she does have a machine which cooks an egg and an English muffin simultaneously.

Luckily, there are only cookbooks listed for Sandy. RR has hundreds of products on the site, including this aptly named Garbage Bowl, which, funnily enough, is sold out. I guess after misguided folks try her recipes, they need some place to put the atrocious food, before it goes to its final resting place: the garbage...Am I being too harsh? It IS a good looking bowl.

"Emeril Live" No Longer

After more than 10 years on the air, Emeril Live has been cancelled. The Essence of Emeril will stay on, but it doesn't look like there are any new Emeril series at the moment. Apparently, his audience is skewing older and is not as attractive to advertisers.

Frankly, I think the Food Network needs Emeril more than he needs them. He has a vast empire of, firstly, 10 restaurants - let's not forget that HE, unlike many newer FN hosts, is a CHEF. Secondly, he has written a dozen cookbooks, many of them fabulously successful. Thirdly, he's licensed his name on products from cookware, knives and tableware to teeshirts and clogs. AND there's his foundation, which is doing wonderful work with various children's charities. So an hour less on the FN is just going to give him more time to conquer more universes.

My favorite Emeril Lagasse TV moment was the special he did where a school won a lunchtime makeover. He went into an elementary(?) school and served lunch to the kids after working with the hilarious old-fashioned lunch ladies. I also liked that he visited with the kid who wrote the winning letter and cooked his family breakfast. He seemed easy-going, charming and very warm.

I guess in a food television world where telegenics is more important than knife skills, Emeril was bound to move on sometime. Let's just hope he's still available to turn around a lunchtime menu or two.

Michael, Where Are You?

Seriously, those folks at the Food Network are spending so much time with their little Food Network Star contest that they seem to be absolutely daft when it comes to their current schedule.

I've already expressed my displeasure at them moving Michael Chiarello from MY prime viewing time of Saturday afternoons to Sunday afternoons. But I do understand that sometimes, just sometimes, it's not all about me. HOWEVER, NOW they've moved him to Sunday's at 8 AM!!! If that's not a diss, I don't know what is.

Who in their right minds is interested in watching FISH TACOS at eight in the morning?! NObody. They think they've placated his fans by also running his shows at 3 pm on weekdays. That's even worse.

Michael, I know you have your winery and your store and there's always NapaStyle on TV, but to me, you'll always be my Easy Entertaining guy and I don't like that fooled with.

Never Mind...

They're baaaack!!!

Sorry, Folks

Food Network links are not working. Aaaarrgghhh! I'll keep checking them.

You can go to the Food Network website and search for a specific show, but their new website makes that so time-consuming.

The Next Food Network Star...How About The Next Great Barbecue Sauce?

HINT: It's not his or hers. IT'S MINE...And JB's

The July issue of Bon Appétit arrived the other day with an inviting looking cover showing Barbecued Ribs. It was the winning recipe of Rory Schepisi, competing in one of the weekly competitions on The Next Food Network Star. I took a look at the recipe. It was pretty darn good for having to put it together in 2 hours.

One thing does worry me a bit though. The Food Network put this at the bottom of the recipe:
This recipe was provided by a finalist, who may or may not be a professional cook, for The Next Food Network Star. Food Network has not tested this recipe and therefore, we cannot make representation as to the results.

I sure hope Bon Appétit tested it before putting it on their cover!

While we're nitpicking, the grilled cantaloupe, alongside the ribs, probably looks better than it tastes. The best idea for grilled fruit that I've run across is Bobby Flay's grilled lemons. For some reason, I find that a positively sensational idea. Others have done it since, but he was the first one that I saw.

I also love grilled peaches. Their grill-marked sweet juiciness go so well with barbecued meats and what about with lemon pound cake? Hmmm. That would be good with a little (or a lot) marscapone sauce scented with lemon rind.

Here is a recipe that you do not have to test. THIS is the best barbecue sauce in the land. It's a knock-off from my revered and greatly loved James Beard. His recipe called for 2 sticks of butter (which of his earlier ones didn't?) and I've changed his method quite a bit. But try it, you'll like it.

James's and My Barbecue Sauce
(So what if I pretend that we worked on it together?!)

4 tablespoons olive oil
2 big onions, chopped
1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt
2 tablespoons supermarket chili powder
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
3 garlic cloves, pressed
1 cup ketchup
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon Tabasco
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons dried basil or 2 tablespoons fresh basil

Heat the olive oil in a heavy bottomed medium or large pot. Add the onions and salt. Stir to mix well over medium high heat. When you hear them sizzle, stir again, cover and cook on low heat for at least 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. When you lift the lid, there should be plenty of steam. If there isn't, raise the heat a bit, cover and continue to cook.

The onions should be completely softened, before you go any further.

With heat on low, add the chili powder and cayenne. Stir over low heat for 3 minutes. (Okay, 2 minutes is better than nothing.) Add garlic and cook one minute. Add remaining ingredients and bring to a simmer. Cook for 5 minutes, covered. Let cool slightly and pour into food processor, fitted with the metal blade. Pulse until smooth-ER, but not completely textureless. Return to pan until ready to use.

This freezes beautifully.

I always make sure to serve big baked potatoes with this barbecue sauce. And, of course, besides ribs, you can use it on chicken, even vegetables and tofu.

Food Network - I Liked Your Old Homepage Just Fine

I don't love the new Food Network Homepage. The one feature I used all the time is not there. The Find a TV Show box used to be on the home page. Now you have to click at least once to get there. There's a Find A Recipe From An Episode, but that takes you to a dumb list that gives you a DESCRIPTION of each show and a link.

AAARRRGGHHH!!!! And yes, I know there are various other ways to get to where I want, such as the alphabetical list of shows, BUT they all involve more clicks than before.

So now I have to go to Find A Recipe From An Episode, choose a show and leave the "Episode Topic" box empty and THEN when I get to that page which is just a dumb list of SOME episodes, but not all, I can click AGAIN in the Find A TV Show box and get what I want. Oh, but luckily there IS room for a giant picture of Rachael Ray AND a poll by Kraft on whether we prefer Shrek Mac and Cheese to Hamburger Helper. (I kind of made that up, but not entirely.)

It's Not That I Want You To Read Anthony's Bourdain's Blog INSTEAD Of Mine, But He Is So Darn Funny

If anyone can raise our spirits, it's the spirited Anthony Bourdain.

He has a hilarious crude and sometimes cruel take (warning bad language found at this link) on anything involving the Food Network. Sometimes I think he's just mad that he wasn't invited to the table of a lot of the current witless Food Network programming. But he is right on the money about the Food Network awards. I wish I could quote him here, but his language is REALLY dirty, so I won't.

My problem with the awards was that the entire concept was ill-conceived. And it was a shame, because it could have been so great to have had so many Food Network favorites under one roof. Why couldn't they have done a mass cooking demonstration, each person responsible for one dish, or divide them into teams and do an Iron Chef thing? Or have a round table discussion talking about their cooking philosophies...Of course, Sandra Lee would have to be uninvited and after Rachael said BEEF, PORK and VEAL, she'd have nothing to say...

Hopefully, the Food Network has heard and listened to its critics and if they have a big bash at the end of next year's South Beach Food and Wine Festival, it will be of a higher caliber and make more sense to its participants and audience alike.

PS. BTW, Anthony Bourdain posts on journalist Michael Ruhlman's site...

All About The Food Network Awards

There's a bit of red carpet footage, before the 9 o'clock hour. I'm going to be really mad, if they started early and I missed something. No, it seems ok. Various Food Network celebs are arriving. Oh, there's Giada being interviewed by Unwrapped's Marc Summers. Dave Lieberman looking very under dressed. All these folks look like they're coming out of the very same limo. They just switched the numbers to make it look like they're in different cars. Oh, there's Nigella's chest followed by the rest of her. My MY! She is getting quite prosperous, isn't she?

The show is starting. Emeril comes out. Good choice for host. He's very warm.
He tells us that a select panel from the Food Network Kitchens chose the nominees...and presumably the winners. Doesn't that make this whole thing bogus? Aren't they just picking the companies or products that partner with the Food Network on a regular basis? Isn't it kind of odd to have an awards show where you don't who the judge or jury is...

Ah well, back to the festivities. Rachael and Giada present the first award. I was a little worried about how ANYONE would look standing next to Giada, but RR handles it ok. They are giving the award for HOT Chocolate. Oh, I get it...it's the best chocolate company. And the nominees are...a company that uses fair trade cocoa beans, some real gourmet guy and a cool gal that makes chocolates in exotic flavors. I don't know about you, but I'm rooting for the fair trade guy. Rachael opens the envelope. Giada announces the winner. It's the gourmet guy from Garrison Confections. They don't even let him up on the stage. He's handed the award by some middle aged guy. Is that George Duran? I think it is.

Paula Deen and Bobby come out. She's looking gooooood. She's giving out the Edible Entrepreneur award. Interesting nominees actually. The Boiled Peanut Catalog , Alicia Polak's Khaya Cookie Company that "creates opportunity one bite at a time by hiring men and women from townships across South Africa to bake handmade cookies and provides men and women with a steady income and a sense of pride and dignity." Well, how could you not want them to win? The last nominee is a nice looking man who invented the Plantain Peeler. Yeah, I'm still going with the cookie lady. The winner is YES!!! My pick - Alicia Polak. Oh, she's accepting her award off the stage too. Why are they doing that? It looks like they don't think these folks are good enough to rub elbows with the glitterati of the Food Network. That's dumb. This seems like it's going to be one long commercial for a bunch of random products.

Ice Cream is next. Alton comes out accompanied by Nigella's protruding frontal parts. He seems a bit frantic talking to Nigella. I think he's genuinely stunned by the size of her chest and its upfrontedness. He'd probably like to do his usual scientific exploration...BTW, Alton looks quite youthful tonight. Ice Cream nominees: Izzy's is a homemade artisan ice cream, plus they get a lot of their power from solar panels.The next, MooBella, is a truly cool ice cream vending machine that allows you to order the flavor of your choice with different mix-ins. Each portion is made to order. The last is a Goat's Ice Cream. Yup, that's what I said. Not Ice Cream FOR goats, ice cream MADE FROM goat's milk. I hope the goat wins. No, not the company or the owner, but the goat. Naa...Moo Bella wins. Technology will take it every time.

Paula's back with the Delivery Of The Month award. Aren't they getting a little desperate now?
It's between Bacon

Potato Chips

and A Whole Bunch Of Stuff

Both Bacon AND Potato Chips lose!!! Now we know this is fixed!!! The Z Club's bunch of stuff wins. Oh, no, they're not there, Paula will accept for them.

Now, Emeril's "dear friend" Catherine Zeta-Jones comes out with Aaron Eckhardt. They made a movie where they play chefs. They're presenting a scholarship to the CIA - all expenses paid for 4 years, plus a job in the Food Network kitchens (as long as they don't let the kid near Sandra Lee, it'll be ok).

They're going to tell us about all the finalists. The first one is a nice boy (with a blind mother), who loves to cook and help take care of the family. He's so deserving, they better give a scholarship to ALL the finalists. I'll be mad if they don't. Well...surprise...surprise Matthew Finkel is the ONLY finalist, and he indeeds wins and it's very nice and very moving. Although, even HE can't come up to the stage. Alton is dispatched to interview him from the aisle.

The next thing is WHAT??? Favorite Childhood Read. What does that have to do with the price of eggs???? Oh, they're all about food. Apparently, the viewers picked Green Eggs and Ham. Great...I'm still not convinced this was worth missing Desperate Housewives.

Sandra Lee is giving the award for best supermarket.

Of the 3, Trader Joes

Wegman's

and Whole Foods , they seemed to give the most florid description to Wegman's, so I wasn't surprised when they won.

Nigella and Bobby come out, with Nigella literally flailing her chest into Bobby's shoulder. Oh, I guess she couldn't really help it. They introduced G. Love. Who?? His song was accompanied by a montage of our favorite FN stars. Wonderful... I'm missing Carlos and Gaby for this...

Bobby is out alone now.

Ok, now we're talking. He thanked all the fans, really sincerely...he's snazzy.

Best Burger award is his to give.

Burgerville, uses local ingredients and has a "serious devotion to sustainability". There are 2 others, but they didn't win, Burgerville did.

Now Jason Somebody, some kind of ballplayer maybe, is giving the award for the best Ball Field Food. I can understand this award, because the absolutely only thing that makes the sheer boredom of a baseball game bearable is the food. I went to a game once - it was some team in California - and I started with a quite good hot dog with relish, then nachos with a delightful cheese sauce and I made a cup of really frozen Italian ice last four and a half innings! Boy, did I have to concentrate on scraping that sucker down to nothing. I didn't even have to take out my Sudoku. Anyway, the ball fields are vying for best food. It seems clear who the winner should be and it is Citizen's Bank Park in Philadelphia. Really, how can anyone can compete with a homegrown Cheesesteak.

I think the whole purpose of this show was to have a big cap-off to February's Food Network South Beach Wine & Food Festival. Plus there was the bonus of having one and half hours of programming that they could promote up the wazoo.

Alton Brown introduces the Play with Food category.

There's Produce Portraits

Woman with Jello

Tortilla painter

- yes, he uses tortillas AS CANVASES

and a mosaic guy.

I want the Jello lady to win.. OH Good, SHE WON. Liz Hickok, you're one sick puppy.

The Humanitiarian Award Of The Entire Universal Galazy Of The World Forever Award is next. Oh, it's just the Humanitarian Of The World. OOH, the winner (there were no nominees, just one winner) is Floyd Cardoz of Tabla. I love him. He took a trip to New Orleans after Katrina and the plight of all the restaurant owners and suppliers really affected him. He mobilized his New York colleagues to use New Orleans products and he's a really good guy. OH, HE'S allowed up on stage. I guess because he's one of them. He's very emotional, accepting his award. I like him. He's lovely.

Rachael Ray by herself. First ever Hall of Fame Award goes to Julia. Well, of course, who else? That's nice. If they show Sandra Lee giving a quote about her, I'll gag. No, thank goodness, they didn't. Emeril, Bobby, even Paula...ok, we're safe. Emeril accepts on her behalf. He seems genuinely moved. They show scenes of Julia on his show. I remember that. He was so respectful towards her. "God bless you, baby, I love you", he says. Ditto. Only Emeril could get away with calling Julia "Baby". Nice moment.

Albert Pujols and his wife come out. What exactly are they doing here? Yes, I know he's with the St. Louis Cardinals. (I looked it up.) Oh, he explains why he's a presenter. His wife watches the Food Network. Oh, of course, that's why he's there...Huh???!!!%%%###!!! Well, she seems cute and nice, so they can stay. Oh boy, this is a big one. They reveal that Burgers and Fries won. Won what? Oh my, this is getting really dull, when they have to hand out prizes to fast food.

Just in time, the glamorous pair of Giada and Bobby come out. They do make a nice couple. Their award is Delicious Destination. Portland, Oregon is the first nominee. Their restaurants DO look good. Minneapolis, Minnesota is next. More sausages there than you can shake a stick at. Wait, their Mayor is really hot. I want them to win. Portland, Maine is next. They're going BEYOND lobster rolls, we're told. Why they would want to is beyond me. Portland, Oregon wins. The Mayor is on film. He's very grateful.

Ok, is it over yet? 11 more minutes to get through. Where was Ina, anyway?

Rachael and Sandra come out to present something or other about technology. Sandra's food is so shot through with chemicals and additives and poison that she's probably the right person to do this one. The first is an oven that cooks superfast. I'm not impressed. Then, there's an oven which is also a fridge. You can leave your meat or stew or anything in there in the morning, program it for sometime in the afternoon, and then when you come home at night, your meal is cooked!!! That is simply stupendous. That must win! The last is called the Anti-Griddle and apparently it freezes on contact. Why would I want to do that. I have no interest in making ice cream from a little pile of duxelles or sorbet from a blob of tomato sauce. No thank you. The Anti-griddle wins. NO! I want a RECOUNT!!!

Next, the viewers have voted on the appliance you can't live without. The winner is the MICROWAVE!!! Heathens! I use my microwave plenty, but who in their right mind would choose a microwave over a food processor??? You know what? Go ahead and keep your stupid microwaves. I just don't care anymore. I'm just waiting for this to be over. I don't know how much more I can take. Hey, where is Michael Chiarello? He was in the Red Carpet pictures. I haven't seen him. I guess they're saving him for something big.

They're back after a commercial. What? The show is over!!!! Already? Where DID the time go?

Ok, this is the final scoop. Emeril was affable enough, but he didn't really have much to do. Nigella was a good sport to participate in this pointless exercise. Paula's vibrant personality shone through. Giada and Rachael HAD to be there, since Rachael is the rock star of the FN and Giada is close on her heels of being a part of everything last darn thing in the universe that you can cook or sell. And Bobby was one hunk of telegenic chefness, just waiting to be let loose at his grill or, at least, at the margarita station.

But, really, it was a worthless way to spend a Sunday night.

Countdown To The Food Network Awards

Ok, admit it, when you first heard about the Food Network Awards