Part Two - The Finale Of Top Chef Season 5

The guests arrive. Oh, there’s Fabio. I see Rocco and Gail. Ti Martin, “proprietor” of Commander’s Palace is there. Bunches of other people are there. Hosea pretends to know them by reputation - Susan Spicer (Chef/Owner, Bayona); John Besh (Chef/Owner, August): Hubert Keller (Chef/Owner, Fleur de Lys).

Hosea’s appetizer gets passed around:
Blackened Red Fish on Corn Cake with Creole Remoulade & Micro Cilantro

Bleh!!! Just kidding. That could be good.
John Besh: He nailed it. Hubert: Great presentation. I loved it.

Stefan’s Appetizer:
Alligator Soup with Celeriac, Parsley Leaves & Puff Pastry

Why do I think they won’t like it? I’m really concerned that Hosea is going to cook decently today and something will go wrong with the others and Hosea will win.

Rocco: This is fantastic. Oh good, I’ve always loved Rocco. Wink, wink. Hubert: the consistency is great. Fabio: Great job. There’s Toby. Yay! Not.

Carla comes out with a big grin and her appetizer:
Shiso Soup with Blue Crab & Chayote Thai Salsa

Susan: Nice concentrated flavor. Tom: Well cooked. Branford Marsalis…What’s he doing there? I love him. He says you could taste the crab. Tory McPhail ,(Executive Chef, Commander’s Palace: Good dish.
Do you think no one had heard of shiso (either, like me) and that’s why they didn’t appear to go into detail about it?

The chefs come out into the dining room and are introduced to everyone that I just mentioned.

Carla’s First Course
Seared Red Snapper over Saffron Aioli, Braised Fennel, Grilled Clam Over A Crouton

John Besh: Something special. Tom: Carla’s dish I liked. I liked the idea. Branford: It tasted great to me. Ti: It reminded me of the first time I went to France and had fish soup. (Probably from the fennel, Ti, and Carla did say she was concentrating on French sauces.) I LIKE TI!

Hosea’s First Course
Tuna Hamachi & Black Bass Sashimi with Fennel Oil, Citrus & Fried Tempura Bits

Ti: I was dying to love Hosea’s dish, but it didn’t pop. Thank goodness, I can breathe a bit.
Fabio: It was good, but missing seasoning.
How is it fair that Fabio is there, when obviously he wants his buddy to win (not that I'm complaining)? Someone else said a little bit of salt would have gone a long way.

Stefan’s First Course
Smoked Salmon & Halibut Carpaccio with Micro Greens, Citrus Vinaigrette & Caviar

Uh-oh! That frozen fish IS a problem. Tom says it’s almost watery. Thankfully, Hubert liked his dish. He liked the technique. Toby thought both Stefan’s and Hosea’s were perfectly executed, but both a little bit bland, whereas Carla’s dish had real personality.

Branford says chefs talk just like musicians.

Carla’s Second Course:
Sous Vide New York Strip Steak with Seared Potato Rod with Merlot Sauce

Gail: Is anyone finding Carla’s sirloin as tough as I am? Yikes! I KNEW THE SOUS VIDE WAS A MISTAKE! Casey went home ONCE, WHY did Carla listen to her? Thank goodness for Ti: The lady can make a sauce. Tom: This doesn’t remind me of her. Okay, it’s all the more mysterious as to why she let herself by talked into this by Casey. John Besh: She lost the soul she had in the first dish.

Stefan’s Second Course:
Pan Seared Squab, Braised Red Cabbage & Schupfnudeln, Foie Gras & Grape Jus

John Besh: Very few American chefs that I know can cook a game bird this well. Gail: The squab was cooked beautifully.

Hosea’s Second Course:
Seared Scallop with Foie Gras on Pain Perdu, Apple Preserves & Foie Gras Foam

Gail: I can’t stop eating it. I love the pain perdu. (Pipe down, Gail. Don’t you have a honeymoon to be on?) Tom: It’s well done and I’ve seen this dish before - foie gras and scallops. Rocco: Maybe it’s only me, but I’m tired of eating foie gras. Go Rocco! Gail looks slightly fed up with him and shakes her head.

Back in the kitchen, Carla says her soufflés are a disaster, because she forgot to turn down the oven. Souffles??! I thought you were going with the cheese tarts. OMG! Did you let Casey talk you out of winning this competition? She decides not to serve them, so there’s just a tiny tart looking thing on the plate. Oh, I guess she was planning to make both.

Stefan’s Third Course
Stracciatella Ice Cream, Chocolate Mousse, Vanilla Syrup & Banana Lollipop

Tory McPhail really likes the progression of Stefan’s dishes and says that his dessert was the best of all. Tom says the mousse and ice cream are fine, but “it’s not like a complete thought”. Huh? My complete thought is that Hosea is getting awfully close to winning this. Gail thought the presentation was dated.

Carla’s Third Course
Apple Tart with Blue Cheese & Walnut Crumble

She admitted that her “blue cheese soufflé didn’t soufflé”. I guess she had to say that, since the plate looked kind of bare. Gail says she’s incredibly disappointed at Carla’s mishap.

Hosea’s Third Course
Pan Roasted Venison, Chestnut & Celery Root Puree with Wild
Mushrooms

That looks so dumb next to the dishes of the other two.
Tom liked this dish a lot. (He WOULD…I guess bald guys stick together.) Gail: He played to his strengths.

Even though it hurts him to say it, Fabio says that Hosea closed the meal in a much better way. Yeah, well, it hurts ME to say that I think Hosea is going to win.

Oh wait, Hubert says if someone is going to be given the title Top Chef, he or she should be able to make dessert. Yeah! Even though, it WOULD BE kind of unfair to penalize someone for that when all they were told is to cook the very best three courses that they could. He says the venison was safe way out.

At the end of the meal, Carla thanks Casey. She SHOULD slap her. Hosea thinks he did fine. He going to face the judges with “his head on high”.

The chefs all come in to judges table. Gail loved Carla’s appetizer. Tom enjoyed the flavors. Everyone had a problem with her meat. Toby goes on for a bit about how anemic her second course was and that they wanted something much bolder from her.

Tom asks how much influence Casey had on her. She says Casey suggested the sous vide and, even though, she had never done it, she said okay, I’ll do it. WHY CARLA, WHY? Tom raises his eyebrows, flares his nostrils and sharply inhales.

She tells them she forgot to turn the oven down. Tom says why a soufflé? She says Casey suggested it. Again…WHY, OH, WHY?

“It seems that you let your sous chef talk you out of the food that got you into the finale” says Tom. He doesn’t understand why. I don’t either.

Toby thought Hosea’s hors d’oeuvres was excellent. Hosea says it was fun to “dole out” the proteins. Tom says, you mean it was fun to stick it to Stefan? Hosea says Stefan would have done exactly the same thing to him. ("MOMMY, Stefan punched me first!" Go to your room, Hosea!)

Toby says his sashimi was very fresh, very light, but he didn’t feel it had enough citrus flavors. Tom and Gail loved the scallop and foie gras dish. Tom thought the apple compote tied it together nicely.

Hosea claims he picked the venison because he wanted to end the meal with something big and robust AND, oh yeah, Hosea, you’re incapable of making dessert! You left out that part. Toby asks if it was bit of a risk not making dessert. Hosea doesn’t give an inch and just says for him a meal doesn’t have to have dessert.

They all liked Stefan’s alligator soup a lot. Gail says his carpacchio tasted watered down. Tom agrees and doesn’t approve of freezing fish to slice it thin. Gail says she really enjoyed his squab. (This is going to be a definite win for Hosea. I’m not looking forward to the end.) Tom on Stefan's squab: Strong dish. Flavorful dish. He thought it was the strongest dish of the night.

Padma asks why they each think they should win Top Chef. Stefan says he thinks he deserves it overall and that he’s been very consistent. I agree. Hosea is like a big puppy begging to be loved. He says he put a piece of himself out there tonight. Wait, I take that back. Puppies are cute. Hosea’s not. Toby grimaces.

Carla says when she cooks HER food, it’s delicious and then she dissolves into tears. Stefan goes to hug her. See? He can be nice. He says, “Don’t cry” in the “stew room”.

Back in with the judges, Padma says I guess we can agree that Carla is out of the running. Tom says decisively, “CARLA would agree that SHE’S out of the running.”

Tom says that Stefan and Hosea come from two different places. Stefan has a more classical background. That’s the understatement of the season. Padma says that, while not as skilled technically as Stefan, there is a thoughtfulness to Hosea’s food. HOLD ON! You said that Stefan is more technically skilled and everyone can agree that his food is great when he’s at the top of this game, so WHY wouldn't that make him a more suitable Top Chef?!!

Toby: Structurally Stefan’s menu was better thought out. Have I mentioned that Toby is a man a great intellect? Maybe Stefan WILL win - they did LOVE his squab after all. But Tom says he can’t get past the dessert. Toby says he didn’t think it was so bad. Have I said lately that I don’t think Toby is so bad?

Tom says the arc of Hosea’s dishes was good. Toby can’t get over Hosea not making dessert.

The others think Stefan doesn’t have soul. Toby, looking a bit disgusted, says if they’re going to give it to the most soulful chef, they should give it to Carla! YEAH! You go, boy!

I’m pretty sure it will be Hosea. Drat! Darn! I SO won’t be happy.

The 3 chefs come back in the room. Tom thanks them all. He says Carla was strong along the way. Hosea put together a nice meal. Stefan had some amazing highs.

Hosea wins!!! I’m soooooooooooo bummed. What a putz. “Who just won Top Chef? Hosea did.” THAT’S Hosea talking. That’s pretty disturbing.

Stefan tells the camera if he had made a different dessert, he would have won. I’m sure he’s right. Stefan says he’s happy for him and he’s not bitter. The other contestants come out.

Hosea says it felt really good to beat Stefan. He’s soooooooooooo insecure. Even his last moment (okay, I get that this is all edited) is devoted to sticking it to Stefan. IT SHOULDN’T BE ABOUT STEFAN! IT SHOULD BE ABOUT YOUR POTENCY (YES, I SAID POTENCY) AS A CHEF!

I'm bummed and dismayed that Hosea won. It was my fear from the first seconds of this episode. He’s a jackass.

Honestly, I can’t imagine anyone being happy that he won.

If you had to describe Hosea's food in a few phrases could you? WELL, could you? NO!

Stefan, you could say, featured well-honed techniques in delicious reworkings of classical favorites (notwithstanding that the judges thought his dessert was fuddy-duddy). Carla did...well, Girl, just good old home cooking with interesting modern ingredients. But Hosea? He likes to cook fish. Whoop-Dee-Doo! I’m not happy at all. Not at all.

Part One: How Did I End Up All Discombobulated At The Finale Of Top Chef?

Chefs I Hated, I Love (Stefan, Rocco and Judge Toby); Chefs I Loved, I Hate…Well, Not Really, More Like Chefs I LIKED, I now LOVE (Carla) BUT I Still Hate The One I Hate – And The Winner Is...

Hah, you’re not getting off THAT easy. You have to take this journey with me.

They’re still in New Orleans. Carla is doing yoga. Hosea is giving himself a pep talk.

The three remaining chefs have breakfast on the paddle boat, The Creole Queen. They chat companionably. Hosea is waaaaahhhhh, waaaaahhhhh, waaaaahhhhh-ing to the camera about how he has so much more to prove than Carla and Stefan, because they already own their businesses and he works for someone else in a small town.

Stefan is bummed that Fabio went home.

They meet Padma and Tom at The Historic New Orleans Collection. Tom gives them the final challenge: Cook the best three course meal of your life.

Oh? Is that all? I just did that last Thursday.

He continues: He “wants to see the fire, passion and soul and more importantly, it must be delicious.”

He adds that even though it’s three courses, they do NOT have to make a dessert. Is that a trick? If they DON’T make a dessert, the judges won’t think they’re deficient in that area? We’ll see.

Stefan is a bit cowed by the directive and remarks to himself: "@!&#*% if Tom says you can make ANYTHING.”

They’ll be cooking their final meal at Commander’s Palace. Didn’t they recently have a huge fire? Oh wait, that was Paula’s place in Savannah. They’ll be serving 12 people.

Tom says they’ll have some help. Ricky, Casey and Marcel from past Top Chefs walk in. I have no idea who they are, so this means nothing to me. Oh wait, that’s Richard, not Ricky. I know him – the king of molecular gastronomy. They each came in second in their respective seasons.

Carla picks the first knife to determine the order for choosing their sous chefs. She gets number 3. For some reason, Stefan lets Hosea pick the next knife and Hosea gets number 1. He chooses Richard. I can see the two of them together. But that doesn’t mean much, since I don’t know who the other two are.

Stefan picks Marcel, saying he’s a bit of a @!&#*%. The language of these foreigners! Carla gets Casey. They’re prepping in the Audubon Tea Room.

Hosea grabs 2 large logs of foie gras. Stefan tells him one of those is his. (I don’t think it really was.) Hosea refuses to hand any over. Stefan gives him a hard time for sneaking off with all the foie gras and Hosea says, okay, we’ll each take 1½. Stefan says forget it. Why do I think that decision will come back to haunt him and that the judges will say that one of his dishes needed more foie gras?

Hosea is a flavor junkie, he tells us. Ugh!

Oh crap, Stefan sees that Hosea has grabbed ALL the caviar too. I actually think that although that’s smart, Hosea is really a jerk and the only way he can win is to steal all the food and not allow anyone else to have anything good.

Casey suggests to Carla that she SOUS VIDE the beef. NO, DON’T DO IT!!!! Every single example of sous vide-ness on Top Chef has been a failure. PLUS, Carla says she’s never done it before. Don’t do it!!! Carla, listen to me.

Stefan says that cooking basic food is much sexier than a bunch of bull@!#%. Well, I hope he’s right. I actually don’t mind if either HE or Carla wins. I just don’t want Hosea to win. And now I’m really nervous for Carla. Drat! Why couldn’t that Casey have kept her mouth shut? I’m worried…

A Voodoo Tarot card reader comes and tells their fortunes. Stefan asks her about a girl named Jamie. She says she could be his girlfriend. (Not unless a WHOLE LOT has changed.) Stefan says he bought voodoo dolls and called them Hosea and Carla and stuck pins in them. Don’t you sort of have to admire his completely brazen hubris?

They walk into the kitchen of Commander’s Palace and Tom is standing in back of an alligator on ice! Gross! He’s adding one more course to their meal. Each of them has to make an appetizer to go on a tray to be passed before dinner. They have to use some traditional New Orleans ingredients. They each will cook with one of the following: crab, red fish AND alligator. Carla says her butterflies are turning into bats.

Stefan says, “Alligator is just a wacky meat. It’s like having a kangaroo or eating @!#% raccoon. What’s the point?” I’m with him!

To pick who cooks what, Tom uncovers a king cake. (It looks exactly like Em’s!) Whoever gets the baby in his or her slice gets to pick who gets which protein. Yikes! Obviously, if Hosea gets the baby, Stefan gets the alligator. And vice versa.

DARN!!! Hosea gets the baby. Surprise, surprise, he picks the red fish, gives Carla the crab and, natch, he gives Stefan the alligator. THEN in his interview he gives Stefan the finger and is sooooo proud of himself for sticking it to him. Classy...

I KNOW that Stefan would act just as abominably, but HE doesn’t need every little advantage to win, whereas Hosea may win, just by stealing all the good food and having an easier time with the appetizer.

They get to work. Hosea blathers on about his hors d'oeuvres, saying he’s proud to be there, proud to be cooking in Commander’s Palace and he’s cooking a dish that represents New Orleans. Hush! Go away. I have complete and total antipathy for him. Ugh, again!

Stefan cuts the tail off the alligator and cuts the skin off the meat. He decides to make a soup out of it. He says WHAT else am I going to make out of it? Dumplings?!! Good luck.

I’m not sure what’s going on with why I’m pulling for Stefan so much. I suppose it’s because I dislike his male competition so much.

We hear Carla scream. Apparently, she’s having some trouble with her crab. I’m not sure what happened. Did a crab grab her? I couldn’t really see. Stefan rescues her. Was she hurt? I guess not. See? Stefan CAN be a good guy.

Carla’s feeling the pressure of the appetizer and not concentrating on the rest of her menu.

Hosea’s not making a dessert, because it’s not his strength and he doesn’t want his last dish to be not up to par.

Sorry, I like Stefan’s menu the best. If Carla’s is REALLY, REALLY good, then that might overcome it seeming a little simple, compared to the guys’ meals.

Casey suggests doing a bleu cheese soufflé instead of a tart. NO CARLA! Stick to your guns. PLEASE! Do what you’re comfortable with. She sticks with the tart…I think.

Marcel isn’t happy that Stefan is freezing his fish to get a really thin carpacchio. We are definitely being set up for his carpacchio failing.

I’m really on pins and needles, thinking Hosea could pull off a win. Please, no.