Top Chef Reunion - No Better Than The Actual Season

I suppose that since the Top Chef Reunion Show didn’t have the catfight potential of The Real Housewives or even The Hills, I shouldn’t have been surprised by how tame it was. (Actually, it’s funny how much better behaved the young folks from the Hills are, compared to those crazy housewives. Maybe it's because the youngsters are PLAYING at being grown-ups, while the housewives are supposed to BE grown-ups. Do NOT ask me how I know that.)

Here’s what happened on the Top Chef Reunion show:

Andy introduces the judges including Toby. All the chefs are there. I don’t recognize most of them.

The final four chefs are introduced first. Oh GAWD! Hosea looks like the cat that swallowed the canary. I cannot stand him. Carla looks wild (in a good, cool way).

Andy asks who they think will win fan favorite and several of them say Fabio. Hmmm, sentiment here seems to be for Carla. That’s certainly who I’m rooting for. Leah says she thinks it’s Stefan. Everyone groans and he says, “It’s possible, read the blogs!” YEAH!! You go, Stefan. I KNEW there was a reason I liked him so much at the end.

Tom says he doesn’t believe it is possible.

Andy congratulates Hosea. How does it feel? he asks. “Surreal. I’m still not like really used to the fact, but it feels pretty damn good.” Andy asks who was surprised that he won and only Leah raises her hand. What a bunch of fibbers!

Then we have to see scenes of Hosea’s “journey”. I think I need a feeling-nauseated break about now. Small town boy makes good in big city, doing his best, Blah, blah blah. I sooo don’t like him. He says every time he cooks for someone, it makes a memory for them and that there’s purpose in his work.

I admit if that were Carla talking I would buy it, but HE’S so insecure and whiny that I think he sounds feeble and lily-livered.

Oh, here he goes again with Stefan being his strongest competitor. Get over it. I feel ill. It’s bringing all the disappointment of the final outcome back to me.

Andy asks Tom about the finale. He was a bit ungracious about Carla (who was sitting right THERE). He said they were REALLY SURPRISED by how great her food was in the final episodes and even in the first courses of the finale.

He says they expected Stefan to put out the food he’d been putting out all season and he didn’t.

Well, there you have it…again. Hosea didn’t win it, Stefan LOST IT. Not that Tom put it that way exactly, but that’s certainly my reading. If Stefan’s dessert had been up to par (it looked good to me, though), he would have won, unless, of course, you believe that they really didn’t WANT Stefan to win.

Tom’s biggest praise for Hosea was, “He kept on cooking WELL and put together some nice dishes toward the end.”

He cooked WELL?????? His dishes were NICE?!!! That’s the best you could come up with, Tom? I’m wanting to see Toby, who apparently fought quite hard for Stefan to win, but was outvoted. It’s so clear they have a mediocre winner, that this is making me soooooooooo annoyed.

Oh good, Toby is speaking. Wait a sec, when did I ever want to hear what HE said before? This season may not have been the most scintillating in history, but I certainly changed my position about a number of people along the way.

Toby: “Basically, Hosea had a really good day that day and Carla and Stefan did NOT have great days.” Oh, I also want to hear what Carla says about Casey…

Gail pipes in that it was really close and hard-fought.

Stefan says he’s okay with it, that he prefers that Hosea won, actually. He doesn’t really finish the sentence. I’m guessing it would be something like this: ”I’m happy I didn’t win…because I’m famous now, anyway, and I couldn’t kiss up to and be all smarmy with the sponsors and network execs and every little person that I’m told I have to be nice to.”

They move on to a question about Fabio’s and Stefan’s “love affair”. The viewer that asked that question is as stupid as the host of this show who is delivering it. Obviously, they were two outsiders that stuck together living amidst a bunch of Americans. What’s strange about that?

They show film clips, including Hosea being jealous of their camaraderie. Their close friendship continues with Fabio explaining NEEDLESSLY that they’re not gay...they just have a real friendship. Is this grade school, for heaven's sake?!! AND SO WHAT IF THEY WERE GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I shouldn’t have expected THIS show to be any better than the rest of the season.

Toby asks if they hold hands walking down the street. Fabio says, “No, I use a leash.”

After Fabio describes how he broke his finger (he slipped), Andy asks Stefan,”Were you worried about your boyfriend?” I’m not kidding that I find that offensive, because, as I just said, WHO CARES IF FABIO WERE STEFAN’S BOYFRIEND?!! Okay, we get that he’s not, but I’m sooooooooooo tired of these hackneyed stereotypes. Men can be affectionate with men and not be gay and just in case, my point was lost, IF they were gay, I WOULDN’T CARE!

Eww, this isn’t good. Toby says, “It’s Top Chef, not Top Pussy.” I may have to turn this off.

Andy gives Stefan a present of an I Love Fabio t-shirt after referring to him as Stefan’s boyfriend for the second time.

Get off this, will you! I'm actually irritated that Andy, not the most macho of men some might say, is pushing this over and over again.

He moves on to Carla, thank goodness. They show scenes of “Kooky” Carla, reaching out to her spirit guides. I don’t remember her singing. Cute. I like her Hootie Hoo call to her husband when they get lost.

Various cheftestents comment favorably about Carla, including Stefan.

There was a Top Chef Birthday curse. Daniel got eliminated on his birthday. Eugene got eliminated. Radhika is eliminated. Then Leah. That IS kind of unbelievable.

They show a vignette of Jeff’s overdone, many-ingrediented dishes, including Carla saying, “He can’t quiet the creative monkeys.”

Oh, this is good. Tom is asked if culinary students are trained in how to deal with a choking emergency. He tells what happened when he saved Joan Nathan’s life. He recounts it in very few sentences in a very low key way. The chefs applaud.

Tom asks THEM if they’re trained in the Heimlich in culinary school. Not too many of the geniuses even KNOW. WELL, EITHER YOU ARE OR YOU AREN’T, it’s not a trick question. They don’t THINK it’s taught. Food safety is, but apparently not how to deal with someone who’s choking on your (or anyone else’s) food.

Question for Gail:”Is Toby the Simon Cowell of Top Chef?” Toby looks appalled…at the question or just to be there, I’m not sure. She says it’s all in the editing.

They show harsh critiques from the judges with Tom saying that’s part of what being a chef is about. You’re going to criticized. Toby says food critics “get a lot of grief about being too harsh about food.” He claims he wants the chefs to do well and when they don’t, he feels angry. Hmm. Maybe…

Another question: Is simple food the way to win? GOOD food is, Tom says.

They show Hosea and Leah. Ugh! Ick! Don’t care. Don’t wanna hear about it. Fabio: “At least, he got Leah. I got Stefan.”

They won’t stop talking about the scandalous Leah/Hosea kiss. Well, I guess it makes sense since there is NOTHING else to talk to him about. BOOOORRRRRIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGG.

They showed what happened when the chefs were sick and tired of being in the stew room. I liked the volleyball games they played and the bed they made out of glad bags. They showed Leah and Jamie being completely wasted in front of the judges; Ariane being the one that cries the most; Stefan being super-confident.

Oh good, there’s a bit about Stefan and how he loves Jamie. He’s sweet talking about her. He actually is. Padma says “It’s a chef crush.”

Jamie actually says something so ill-mannered and uncivil that it shocked me. After Stefan goes on about how he loves her and Padma says ANYONE admiring you is nice, Jamie says she answered a question in an interview about how even an entire bottle of tequila wouldn’t make her have sex with him. That was unnecessary and more than a little icky.

See? I'm an equal opportunity critic of bad behavior. Just because she's gay doesn't give her the right to be so rude. (YES, I do get that it's rather ironic to criticize someone for being rude to the King of Impoliteness himself.)

Then Andy asks for a show of hands of who thinks Stefan will win fan favorite. No hands at first, but Fabio’s…Then there was a pity hand-raising.

Other things we learned:
The food at Gail’s reception was cooked by Daniel Boulud.
Radhika is still a pill.
They showed Jamie complaining more than I thought she did, but now I don’t like her anyway.
Jeff denies saying that Tom’s food is boring.
Tom is one viewer’s exception for liking bald guys.

And the fan favorite and winner of $10,000 is FABIO! Oh, alright! Carla DID win a great trip and a car. He’s very grateful.

Toby is funny and asks if Stefan is happy that he didn’t win fan favorite as well.

Fabio’s mom is okay, Hosea’s father isn’t, and with that, they end.

There really was nothing else to ask Hosea, because no one really believes he was the most qualified to win the title. Plus, he’s got the excitement factor of a stale bagel.

I must say that this was even more of a waste of time than a regular episode. I would have liked a bit more in-depth stuff about the actual finale (no Casey/Carla update), but, luckily, they didn’t concentrate on the winner too much. But they certainly spent far too much time on the Fabio/Stefan romance issue.