The Rest Of "25 Things You Didn't Know About TV Chefs"

I’m baaack with the rest of the list of the Top Things You Didn’t Know About TV Chefs, including one very fascinating fact that I promised you.

No. 14 One Famous TV Kitchen Is Museum Quality
Oh, for goodness sake, everyone knows that one. Julia’s kitchen is in the Smithsonian.

No. 13 There’s No Easy Recipe For Becoming A TV Chef
They said there’s not one way to become the next Rachael Ray. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT! Plus culinary competition shows have become popular. What great insight…

No. 12 Even Iron Chef Judges Have To Watch The Clock
Ted says he takes it very seriously and they are only allowed to discuss the food at the the moment of judging. If they get up from the table, as I guess they have to occasionally in the hours it takes to shoot, the judges are prohibited from conversing about the food. Alton says the entire judging process takes about 2 hours.

No. 11 TV Chefs Always Know What To Say
Mario says he has no teleprompter and no script and he mentions that he has won 970 shows. Is that possible? Is he joshing us? Gordon says his show is real. Emeril says there’s no script. Nigella says it’s quite informal and avoids scripted shows. They obviously have sooo run out of good categories…

No. 10 You’ll Never Catch Rachel (STILL misspelt) Ray In A Chef’s Uniform
GEE, I WONDER WHY…
This earnest food stylist says, “Some of the people on TV really can’t wear a chef’s jackets, because they’re not chefs.” In classic understatement, she says Rachael Ray is a perfect example of that. Yeah, honey, of that AND the bastardization of the Food Network.

This stylist goes on to tell us that there is a history and honor behind the chef’s jacket and the toque. (RR should wear a skullcap, in that case.) The more pleats in the chef’s hat, the more knowledge and skill the chef has, she said. Others say it signifies the number of ways there are to cook an egg. C’mon, you didn’t know that, did you?

No. 9 Catch Phrases Can Make TV Chefs Even More Popular
WAIT, let me guess: Bam! from Emeril; Bon Appétit from Julia, Yum-O (Yucko) from RR and Pour me another one! from Aunt Sandy.

These are the brilliant ones this show came up with:
Rachael – EVOO
Emeril - Bam!

They’re not even trying!

No. 8 Coming Up With Recipes Is A Team Effort
We already learned that Emeril has 130 people working on Emeril Live. Bobby has a team of 3 people to taste his recipes and help him improve them. Giada has someone to help her test recipes, but she writes them all. And other chefs have other people doing the recipes. THAT is a lame one, but I promise you the exciting one is coming up.

No. 7 For The Right Price, A TV Chef Can Cook For You
Really? The food stylist person says they get an appearance fee of 50 to 100 thousand dollars when they show up to places. I hope tat includes ingredients.

No. 6 Gordon Ramsey Is A Step Ahead Of The Game
Okay, here it is…the big one. I didn’t know this and it’s very impressive. More than his prodigious culinary skills or his wretched television persona, Gordon Ramsey has size 15 feet!!! And you know what they say about that, don’t you? Big Feet… click here.

Now admit it, that was worth waiting for, wasn’t it?

No. 5 It’s Not Just The Heat In The Kitchen For One TV Chef
Oh gosh, they gave Rocco his very own number. THAT is not necessary.

After we followed Rocco for 2 years (was it actually on for 2 whole seasons?), he got sued by his former partner. I’m not sure what took Jeffrey so long. After all, there was weekly proof ON TELEVISION that Rocco wasn’t in the kitchen cooking.

He WAS running things, though --- his hands through his thick mane of hair, or down the back of some model, but cooking? Not so much. His ego was even bigger than his malfeasance. Rocco says they battled over “the vision of the restaurant." It was more that Jeffrey (no shrinking violet himself) wanting an actual restaurant that served actual customers and Rocco wanted a platform for his celebrity.

The food stylist says she knew when she first saw “The Restaurant” that the show wasn’t going to do Rocco any good, because it “was so pushed to the limit TV.” How about because it showed Rocco as a total blowhard? I’m not sure “There’s no such thing as bad publicity” is true.

No. 4 Even The Pros Make A Mess In The Kitchen
Rachael set bread on fire. Oh, I guess that’s where her phobia about toast comes from. Gordon says he’s made thousands of mistakes. He once sent out a duck covered in pastry without the duck. (THAT was a new bit of information.) Giada says when something burns, they laugh AND cry about it. Who can forget (which they don’t mention) Julia always cutting her fingers and the subsequent lampooning on SNL?

No. 3 Jamie Oliver Teaches Kids A Trade
I knew this too. They did give us a fabulous look as Jamie took kids, not destined for much more than the dole, and got them involved in a culinary education which would actually give them a trade. He opened a nonprofit restaurant called Fifteen to give them jobs. Plus they mentioned his campaigning to ban junk food in the schools.

No. 2 For Some Cooking Shows Location Is Everything
How is that a surprise that a travel and cooking show is all about location?!! This really is a knuckleheaded list.

The chefs have a final say on which location they visit. Giada says it’s a collaboration and the producers present her with a list from which to choose. Tony is more brash, “We go where I want to go. We do NOT go where I don’t want to go.” I guess this is what the earlier quote “What’s the one thing Tony Bourdain won’t do on his show?” refers to…

Here we are at number one. DumDeeDumDum…or just plain dumb:

No. 1 TV Chefs Rarely Cook At Home
Bobby says that’s true, that chefs probably order in more than they cook at home. I thought part of Rachael’s shtick was that she always went home…at 10 or 11 at night…and cooked dinner for herself and her husband. Giada says there is NO WAY that she cooks at home after a 15 hour day.

That was a pretty poor list. I can come up with a bunch of much better provocative facts about TV chefs:

Bobby got his start as a male model on New York City subway billboards.
Michael was a typing teacher in Chino, before going into the kitchen.
Nigella and Paul McCartney were involved for years.
Tyler played Bobby’s best friend and Cindy’s first boyfriend on The Brady Bunch.
Ina is secretly a real estate titan and owns the George V Hotel in Paris.

Of course none of those is true, but when did that ever stop anyone from printing anything? AND they’re a whole bunch more interesting than the “facts” on this dumb show.

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About TV Chefs, But Were Afraid To Ask

Does everyone get this weird "TV Guide" station? It has television listings scrolling on the bottom third of the screen the entire time you're trying to watch whatever they're showing.

The other night they had a program on that I’m sure EVERY fan of food television would have been interested in…had it been on a real channel. It was called 25 Things You Didn't Know About TV Chefs. I was very excited and got ready to settle into a riveting hour, yup a whole hour’s worth of juicy tidbits about our favorite food celebrities. Here’s what I learned:

We learned right off the bat that Anthony Bourdain is milking his fame for what it’s worth - HE said that - and that Nigella was a journalist for most of her working life. That last one was part of the first category:

No. 25 Not All TV Chefs Started In The Kitchen
Gordon – soccer
Nigella – journalist
RR – buyer

No. 24 There’s No 30 Minute Meals For TV Chefs
Giada says to shoot one half hour show, it takes about 15 hours.
Nigella shoots 1 episode in 3 days.
Emeril says he has 130 people (!!!) working on Emeril Live.

No. 23 Even TV Chefs Can Be Picky Eaters
Bobby doesn’t like lentils.
RR hates mayonnaise. Whoop-Dee-Doo!

Okay, I’m getting the feeling that this is a less than well researched show. I think they pulled together quotes from celebrity magazines and red carpet interviews and got a bunch of interns to put this together. There MUST be something interesting that we’re going to learn.

No. 22 It’s Not Always Fine Dining For One TV Chef
Tony will consume anything he has to - eyeballs included. Emeril likes real food, he says he’s not going to eat rattlesnakes.

No. 21 TV Chefs Don’t Make Food Look Good
Food stylists do, and you don’t always want to eat what they’ve styled. They showed how a chicken is made to look juicy and brown. It’s spray tanned with Kitchen Bouquet while it’s still mostly raw, and not only would you not want to eat it, you probably wouldn’t recover for days, if you did.

We learn incidentally that Nigella loves Mario.

No. 20 Famous TV Chefs Get The Best Table In The House
Tony says he could walk into any restaurant in the world and eat well. Julia could too, on account of professional courtesy. Gordon says he never flexes his muscles outside of his “zone”. That’s probably a relief to his fellow chefs.

No. 19 One TV Chef Is Part Of The Law And Order Family
Stephanie March is married to Bobby and he’s been on Law and Order SVU.They were introduced by Mariska Hargitay. Whoa, that’s a big one. Is there one thing here that you didn’t know?!! I’m still waiting…

No. 18 People Have Voted For Their Sexiest TV Chef
This is getting just plain dumb. The sixth graders they had think up these categories should go back to school for another decade or so. (Actually, that’s an insult to 6th graders, who are much more on the ball.)

One stylist said TV chefs are sexy and they have HUGE…what in the world is she going to say? Oh, followings.

DAVE Lieberman is one example. Oh, come on! Next they mention Rocco. Puleez! What about Tyler? Giada? Bobby?

No. 17 One TV Chef Would Like To Thank The Academy
Obviously, they’re talking about Wolfgang Puck. He’s in charge of feeding 1600 at the Governor’s Ball. I thought this was supposed to be stuff we didn’t know. They have 600 waiters in the dining room (I guess there are a lot of actors NOT out of work that night) and 200 people in the kitchen. Wolfgang has been doing The Governor’s Ball for 12 years.

No. 16 One TV Show Made Rachael Ray A Household Name
(THEY spelled her name Rachel. That’s rich!) She made an appearance on the Today Show and The Food Network signed her up. EVERYBODY knows that and it’s been written about everywhere, including here.

There’s a tease for “What’s the one thing Tony Bourdain won’t do on his show?

No. 15 Bobby Flay Likes To Horse Around
Bobby owns thoroughbred race horses. FINALLY, something I didn’t know. They didn’t say he RIDES them. They said he owns them.

Okay, kids, (who do I sound like?) enough for one day. You’ll have to keep tuning in for the rest of the list, including the TOP TEN Things You Didn’t Know About TV Chefs. And I promise you there is ONE truly noteworthy thing on the list…one that I didn't know and that I think you'll find intriguing.

Top Chef - Restaurant Wars Showdown

Let’s fast forward through the Quickfire Challenge, where the 6 contestants have to cook eggs in a greasy spoon for the early morning breakfast rush. The only thing notable about this challenge was Tom entering the Top Chef house before 6 am(!!!), while the chefs are all sleeping. That was a bit weird. I guess he had to get some face time, because he was off at a “charity event” and wasn’t going to be judging the Elimination Challenge this week.

The Quickfire ends with Dale and Antonia as the best two. Antonia is pronounced the overall winner at mastering the art of fast egg cooking.

The chefs are directed to a big empty space and Padma tells them it’s…Restaurant Wars! Because Antonia is the winner, she gets to pick two other chefs for her team. She chooses Stephanie and Richard. Uh-oh, that leaves Dale with Lisa. I don’t like that, but I guess it makes for drama.

The menus are decided and after what looks like an all too quick trip to Whole Foods for $1500 in groceries and Pier One for $5000 for dishes and décor, they begin to cook.

During the prep time, Tony strides into the kitchen, saying he’ll be replacing Tom this week and “bringing his warmer, sunnier disposition to the challenge.” He wanders around asking each team what they’re doing.

Let’s cut to the chase. The restaurant is open. They get started. The judges enter and Padma introduces guest judge Chef José Andrés. Oh, I like him.

Antonia, Stephanie and Richard (Mr. Ras el Hanout)
Gastropub:
1st Course
Beet Salad with Goat Cheese & Ras el Hanout Spices (again!!!)
Linguine & Clams with Sausage & Horseradish Crème Fraiche

Tony tasting the pasta: “This is better than what I would expect.” José: “I love the texture of the linguine. Stephanie pipes in “I made the pasta myself.” Ted says the Goat Cheese Salad (or is he just talking about the goat cheese?) is really delicious.

2nd Course
Trout with Cauliflower
Lamb Loin & Braised Lamb Shank

Ted: “This is a nice presentation.” Tony: “I was thinking exactly the same thing.”

Whoa, slow down a second, guys…EVERYTHING can’t really have been so good thus far. It’s obvious that this team will be the winning team and that Dale’s team will have some failed dishes.

Okay, this is my prediction: the two losers will be Dale and Lisa and LISA will be going home, because if they send Dale home, I ain’t watching this show anymore, because there is no one else I want to win.

I mean it. I WILL hold a grudge. I will be unreasonable and mean and I’ll spend my Top Chef evenings watching House Hunters instead. Where was I?

Tony repeats how much he loves the lamb. José is really impressed by the level of cooking and Padma says “We’re not joking around here on Top Chef.”

It is so evident that all this praise is just a set-up for how disappointing the other team’s menu will be. I almost don’t want to watch it…AND I bet something horrible will go wrong with Spike’s décor, like a giant mirror will fall off a wall or something…I SWEAR I’m writing this as I’m watching, so if that really does happen, I am absolutely psychic…

3rd Course
Gorgonzola Cheesecake with Sweet Potato Puree & Concord Grape Sauce (Gag me!)
Banana “Scallops” with Banana Guacamole & Chocolate ice Cream

The desserts didn’t go over QUITE as well, but they liked their innovativeness and, luckily for them, the judges didn’t actually hate anything.

Dale, Lisa and Spike
Mai Buddha

1st Course
Spicy Coconut Shrimp Laksa…Padma: OOH, isn’t that beautiful?
Pork & Pickled Plum Pot Stickers

Tony on the laksa: “It was just too damn smoky,” WHICH IS EXACTLY what Dale said back in the kitchen. Padma adores the dumplings. Ted loves the char on them.

2nd Course
Braised Short Ribs with Pickled Red Cabbage & Apple Basil Salad
Padma: “I love a short rib.”
Butterscotch Miso Scallops, Spicy Eggplant & Pickled Long Beans

Tony: “It’s like Willy Wonka scallops.” Padma in horror: “No, really?” A random diner says she has no idea what she’s eating...probably not a good sign. Equally, it’s not a good sign when Lisa says Dale isn’t happy with his food choices and ultimately the executive chef is responsible for the food. That can’t bode well. Lisa, it better be you or I’m out of here…

3rd Course
Halo-Halo with Cantaloupe, Coconut, Kiwi, Avocado & Candied Nuts
Mango Sticky Rice with Toasted Coconut

Tony's take on the Sticky Rice dish: “It’s baby vomit with wood chips.” He was “okay” with the halo-halo, although he didn’t “particularly love it”. José did. Random diners HATED the sticky rice dessert.

Spike’s take on his teammates’ performances: “Poor,” which also means he thought HIS wasn’t.

Needless to say Antonia’s team won. Tony: “I was really impressed by all of your comportment.” Why do I think he would have behaved more like Dale in the kitchen, who everyone is down on for acting temperamental when things don’t go right? Isn’t that the definition of a chef?

The winner is Stephanie. She wins a culinary tour to Barcelona and a guided wine tasting tour for two.

The other team goes in to face the judges. I’ve just noticed that Dale is wearing shorts and hideous blue shoes. Are they crocs? I can’t quite see…Remember it better be Lisa!

Tony: ”ALL of us were unanimous in finding some very unpleasant aspects to this meal.” Well, TONY, I find your face unpleasant! Especially, if you even think of sending my Dale home!

I don’t get his critique about the napkins. He asks who came up with the color. No one takes responsibility. He says that the décor “announced itself as a place where a greasy dumpling would be unforgivable.” Was Tony saying that the décor was SO elegant and well done that he expected the food to follow suit? It sure didn’t sound that way…

Then the judges go off on the author of the butterscotch scallop dish - Dale. (Frankly, I’ll take butterscotch any way I can get it, especially if cute Dale is dishing it out.) José said nothing worked in the dish. Padma said it was way too sweet. “Hearing the words butterscotch and scallops together in the first place was very worrying to me,” says Tony. “It looked like a melted candy bar.”

Tony goes on to rip the laksa and says it was like “putting (his) face in front of a campfire”. Dale actually points to Lisa just as she actually takes full responsibility for the dish.

Could it be that Dale IS a little bitch as Spike (was it?) always calls him? Never mind, Lisa’s a bigger one. They go on to criticize basically everything about Dale and Lisa and their nitpicking over whose responsibility everything was. SHE really is a tattle tale, but I’m getting an uneasy feeling that as the executive chef of this challenge, HE’S going to take the fall.

But CLEARLY, he is the better cook. He’s won more challenges including being in the top two in this very episode’s Quickfire. Dale, you better stay, buddy…José doesn’t like the lack of teamwork that they’re showing, but what are you supposed to do when you don’t want to take the fall for someone else’s mistakes?

Oh good, José opines (correctly) that because Spike was in the front of the house, he considers himself away from all the trouble in the kitchen and above it all. And he was fortunate that nothing falls off the wall.

Dale makes the point that you’re only as good as your weakest link. Lisa comes back with you’re only as good as your leader. I agree with Dale. Byuh bye Lisa. They leave to let the judges deliberate.

The judges agree that Spike was smart to stay out of it and that he did his job ok. They agree that Dale fell down as a conceptualizer, executor and something else or other. BUT the judges agree that Lisa “botched” both of the dishes she made – sticky rice and the laksa and that she’s really bad at taking criticism. Are they are picking Lisa….or not?

OOH, Lisa and Dale are still having it out. Dale isn’t that nice, but he’s still a better cook than she is.

The three chefs go back in, Dale looks mad; Lisa looks belligerent and Spike looks a little too self satisfied.

WHAT?!! DALE is sent home. That really, really, really, really stinks. He’s okay with the whole thing. He actually breaks up talking about it.

Dale being sent home is a huge mistake. A HUGE mistake. A huge MISTAKE!!! I’m done… Without Dale, I don’t care who wins…I wouldn’t even have minded if Richard had beaten him in the final two, but the remaining chefs are of no interest. Top Chef is dead to me.

Gayle King Told Anthony Bourdain She Thought Rachael Ray Was A WHAT???!!!

Today, Gayle King, caring girlfriend to many, talked to Anthony Bourdain, riotous antagonist to most, on her XM radio show.

Unfortunately, I only caught a little of it, but it was fascinating. I liked the counterpoint between sunny and funny Gayle and surly and sarcastic Tony. In the understatement of the century, Gayle said it seemed that there were quite a few Food Network chefs that he didn't like.

He went into a long explanation of what a chef was...Still Gayle was clueless. And THEN Gayle said, "I thought if they were on the Food Network, they were CHEFS, like Rachael Ray." I almost spit my teeth out of my head.

To Tony's credit or perhaps DIScredit, he calmly said even Rachael Ray doesn't consider herself a chef. And Gayle repeated that she had always thought of RR as a chef, BECAUSE she appeared on the Food Network. Back to Tony talking (correctly) about how a CHEF is the leader of a troop of cooks in a professional kitchen. That IS the correct understanding of the French word CHEF. It means leader, head or chief. The only thing RR leads is a gross adulteration of the culinary arts.

Anyway, I guess Anthony Bourdain is capable of civilised conversation (darn!), when the situation (talking to the best friend of the most powerful woman in media today) requires it. But who would have thunk that Tony could have held his tongue? But hold it he did, even though Gayle's naiveté should have driven him wild.

It's Not That I Want You To Read Anthony's Bourdain's Blog INSTEAD Of Mine, But He Is So Darn Funny

If anyone can raise our spirits, it's the spirited Anthony Bourdain.

He has a hilarious crude and sometimes cruel take (warning bad language found at this link) on anything involving the Food Network. Sometimes I think he's just mad that he wasn't invited to the table of a lot of the current witless Food Network programming. But he is right on the money about the Food Network awards. I wish I could quote him here, but his language is REALLY dirty, so I won't.

My problem with the awards was that the entire concept was ill-conceived. And it was a shame, because it could have been so great to have had so many Food Network favorites under one roof. Why couldn't they have done a mass cooking demonstration, each person responsible for one dish, or divide them into teams and do an Iron Chef thing? Or have a round table discussion talking about their cooking philosophies...Of course, Sandra Lee would have to be uninvited and after Rachael said BEEF, PORK and VEAL, she'd have nothing to say...

Hopefully, the Food Network has heard and listened to its critics and if they have a big bash at the end of next year's South Beach Food and Wine Festival, it will be of a higher caliber and make more sense to its participants and audience alike.

PS. BTW, Anthony Bourdain posts on journalist Michael Ruhlman's site...