Top Chef Las Vegas Winner Revealed (Possibly), But Not By Me

I’ve been sitting on this for days trying to decide what to do. I was trying to think if I would want someone to tell ME. Also I thought who am I to withhold really important information? (Don't worry, I will NOT reveal the name in this post, but I will give you the link.)

This is what happened. In an otherwise standard review of one of those pricey farm-to-table dinners that chefs and farms pair up on, the writer, who is unusually clueless and has no excuse for being an idiot, referred to the chef as “the winner of Top Chef”. It was rather disconcerting, because it was just dropped there with no fanfare, no spoiler alert, no nothing. I actually couldn’t believe what I was reading.

THEN I read the comments, where the readers blasted her (the author) for this amazing indiscretion. Various editors answered that it was just a misunderstanding and the author didn’t mean the OVERALL winner of Top Chef. She was simply referring to one of the dishes that had won in one particular episode. That’s great, except the sentence said,”Top Chef Winner...”

There followed all kinds of denials and rebuttals about how all these folks have NO idea who won Top Chef and the author has no idea and the sites that reprinted this article have no idea and so on. BUT that makes no sense. WHO would refer to anyone as the winner of the worm cooking challenge (for example) in episode number so and so? That’s kind of random and it just doesn’t ring true.

I think the author goofed big time and the organization from which this article sprang goofed and every site that reprinted it goofed.

All I can say is that IF this chef DOES in fact win Top Chef, these folks are really big jerks. IF this chef does NOT win Top Chef, the author is worse than a jerk. She is careless and inarticulate and a poor excuse for a reporter.

NOW the reference in the article has been changed from “winner” to “contestant”. That doesn’t convince me in the least that they haven’t divulged the winner.

Of course, it's fun to talk about who may win Top Chef. And idle speculation by folks is one thing, but a reporter writing in a reputable newspaper is another. I don’t think you should click on the article, but here it is, if you want to. IF you DO look at it, please don’t give away in your comments what it says. The secret (if, in fact, it really is one) is safe with me.

Top Chef Las Vegas - Not Much Magic This Week

I like that orange color in the bedroom.

For some reason, Mike I. is upset that Mattin got eliminated. He and his fellow chefs are going to wear Mattin’s ridiculous red bandannas “to represent him”. Then Mike goes on to say that Mattin is a better chef than some that are still there. He highlights Robin. Obviously, she’ll either go home this episode OR THE OPPOSITE! SHE WON’T! See? I’m cottoning on their tricky ways.

Then we see Robin telling some really dumb story about rattlesnakes. Jen tells us that “people” are getting fed up with her and that she’s just been lucky so far. This is clearly a dump on Robin episode. I don’t like her either, but I can’t tell if this is an obvious clue that she’s leaving OR that’s she’s not. Robin says the other chefs probably thought she was the one that should have gone last week. When she asks Mike I. for a red bandanna to wear, he VERY grudgingly gives it to her.

Padma is in the kitchen with Chef Michelle Bernstein. Oh good, there’s been an awful lot of testosterone lately in the judging department, so this will be good. But WHY does Padma have to introduce her as “the lovely” Michelle Bernstein? She does mention James Beard Award winner, but still, leave the lovely out of it and just mention her fantastic cooking pedigree.

This is a weird Quickfire Challenge. They have to make a dish that shows the battle between good and bad, angels and devils, healthy and unhealthy. Whatever… I’m waiting for Padma to say the dish has to include Masonic symbols as well and that Dan Brown will be one of the judges. How about let’s stay away from hokey and just see them cook?! The winner gets immunity.

Oy, NOW we can’t root against Robin because she tells us she had cancer and she knows that sugar is bad for her, so that’s her angel/demon thing…still wanting to have SOME sugar.

The Quickfire dishes:

Michael V.

Angel – Rillettes Of Salmon (I LOVE rillettes, REAL ones…with pork)

Devil – Confit Of Salmon & Ice Cream (OMG EWW!!!)

Michelle: “Very interesting.”

Kevin

Angel – Halibut & Seasonal Vegetables

Devil – Deviled Egg Purée & Bacon

Padma:”That’s a big, fat piece of bacon, Kevin.” Where’s the bacon jam?

Ron

Angel – Chilean Sea Bass With Corn Hash

Devil – Chilean Sea Bass With Yucca

How do these folks do this all in 45 minutes?

Padma finds a lot of bones in her fish.

Ashley (the girl)

Angel – Scallop Crudo

Devil – Seared Scallop Puttanesca

Her seared scallop looks good. The raw one looks a bit floppy on the plate.

Eli

Angel – Scallop With Radish Top Pesto

Devil – Scallop With Brown Butter Risotto

Bryan

Angel – Frozen Coconut, Lychee & Vanilla

Devil – Dark Chocolate Mousse

What a lovely idea.

“Thank you,” is Michelle’s only reaction.

Jennifer

Angel – Scallop Crudo With Olive Oil

Devil – Seared Scallop With Butter

Her scallop crudo is in skinny overlapping pieces. It looks so much better than Ashley’s.

“That sauce is actually very addictive,” says Michelle.

Ashley (the guy)

Devil – Spicy Asparagus Custard With Pink Peppercorn Shortbread

He says his biggest devil was time and he only got one custard done. We saw him having a hard time with his sweet coffee custard. It was too runny.

Robin

Angel – Arugula, Apple & Fennel Salad

Devil – Cardamom Apple Ginger Crisp

She plays the C card, saying she got used to raw and organic food. Actually, didn’t we know before now that she had lymphoma? Anyway, if Michelle says anything bad, she’ll be a complete curmudgeon.

“This is lovely. Nice and simple,” Michelle coos.

How about we bet that Robin will win this challenge?

More dishes to come?!! THERE ARE TOO MANY CHEFS!!! OY!

Laurine

Angel – Chicken & Vegetable Consomme

Devil – Chicken Saltimbocca

I think consommé is an excellent idea for this challenge. How she did this all so fast is a miracle.

Mike I.

Angel – Cucumber Yogurt Soup

Devil – Rack Of Lamb Kabob Style

Seriously, I can barely unpack the groceries in 45 minutes.

“THIS is a little bit too salty,” Michelle tells Mike. He has daggers in his eyes for her.

Least favorites:

Ashley, the guy

BRYAN!!!! Huh! Wuh! She loved the concept, not the execution.

Laurine – “Nothing new, nothing inspiring.” I am keeping quiet from now on!

Favorites – (Okay, so my silence didn’t last long. I bounce back quickly.)

Michael, Eli and ROBIN. Told YOU!!!

The winner is ROBIN! Wowee. I wish I had been betting good money.

EVERYONE else looks stunned, po’ed and as if Michelle is insane.

Oh, Eli is bitter. He saying kinda nasty things…okay, so I said them too. Tell people you have cancer and you win.

Penn and Teller come into the kitchen. Eli looks thrilled. They do “the classic” cup and ball trick, with a bit of juggling (or misdirection) thrown in. The Elimination Challenge is to deconstruct a classic dish.

Know-it-all Michael explains (to us) that that’s putting the separate elements of a dish on a plate and by the time the diner has taken the last bite, they’ve basically put it back together…bite by bite. Or something like that.

Oh, they don’t decide what to cook themselves. They draw the names of the dishes that they have to make. Ron is thrilled he got paella.

They have 30 minutes and $125 to shop. They have 2 hours to cook the first day. Mike has no idea what Eggs Florentine is. He says he’s doing his own food and that folks are going to like it.

Michael says he’s baking his own bread. Bryan says (to us) that Michael is a showoff.

You know this whole rivalry thing between brothers is getting a bit old. Can’t you imagine a situation in which siblings had each other’s back and they actually liked being together and depended on each other?

I can’t help but think that their parents did a really lousy job when the younger one was born, in not giving the older one enough attention. Or maybe they ignored the younger one, while worshipping the older one. You know? Anyone want to weigh in here? Bryan? Michael? Plus don’t you think Bryan carries a little bit of a chip on his shoulder, because his parents misspelled his name?

Jen can’t decide what to do for her deconstructed meat lasagna. Ron thinks he’s going to win. Eli thinks he doesn’t understand what deconstructed mean. We hear (again) about how poor Ashley (the girl) was. Eli’s slightly broken pressure cooker explodes.

Laurine is getting angry at Robin for talking out loud about everything AND asking her to take out her pancetta.

Ron says he needs luck and asks Tom for any tips when he comes into the kitchen. Eli and Kevin actually try to help Ron at night with paella suggestions. They’re all talking about how Robin’s winning got them mad.

They’re cooking in the kitchen of Marinelli’s in the M resort.

What a beautiful dining room. Toby is back at the table with Padma, Tom, Michelle and Penn and Teller.

Michael V.

Caesar Salad – Chicken Wing, Parmesan Jelly & Brioche

It looks amazing.

Mike I.

Egg Florentine – Braised Kale Roll, Egg Emulsion, Crispy Phyllo

It’s too bad his dish is being served at the same time as the beautiful plate by Michael V.

Toby “didn’t care for” the Egg Florentine. “It wasn’t a deconstruction as much as a reinvention.”

They all liked the Caesar salad, but Toby was disappointed that the dressing didn’t EXPLODE. Penn says that would kill him, if it had.

Why is it that Mike I. always acts as if he’s one of the best chefs there? As if he’s in Bryan and Michael’s class, but his food is never good? What’s up with that? I guess if you talk a good game, you can get away with a lot. (Gee, I wonder how I know that.)

Bryan

Reuben – Tuna, Warm Mayo, Thousand Island Flavors, Rye & Gruyère Cheese

Laurine

Fish & Chips – Halibut, Zucchini Relish, Tomato Confit & Parsley Chips

Laurine says she poached the fish in oil. I love that technique. Finally, something I can understand and DO.

Michelle doesn’t love (or even like) Laurine’s fish. Tom says it’s dry. They don’t like any part of it.

Michelle and Tom love Bryan’s dish. Penn doesn’t think it tasted like a Reuben, but he says he DID manage to eat everything.

Ash was dumb and did his parsnip purée in the food processor and it got gummy. If there were potatoes in there, he should have known better, so he substituted a pea purée.

Ashley (the guy)

Shepherd’s Pie – Lamb Chops, Leeks, Glazed Carrots, Pea Purée & Madeira Jus

Jennifer

Meat Lasagna – Steak, Mascarpone, Béchamel, Tomato Sauce & Parmesan Crisp

Michelle and Padma love Jennifer’s. Tom likes the parmesan crisp.

Tom says that Ashley’s lamb is not cooked properly. Toby says the fact that there are no potatoes is interpreting the challenge “too widely”.

Ron

Seafood Paella – Lemon & Herb Oil, Chayote & Peas

Eli

Sweet & Sour Pork – Pork Rillettes, Broccoli Purée, Sweet & Sour Sauce

“Severely overcooked” is how Michelle characterizes Ron’s paella. She misses “the lovely crisp” bits that you usually find in a paella. Tom: “It’s a sad bowl of food.“ They mock Eli’s pork balls presentation, but they really like the taste.

Ashley

Pot Roast – Seared Strip Loin, Potato Purée, Crispy Shallots & Carrot Foam

Kevin

Chicken Mole – Chicken Croquette, Mexican Coffee Fig Jam, Pumpkin Seed Romesco

I think Kevin’s sounds sooo good.

Penn must agree. He says he never wants to have any other kind of mole after having this. Michelle is really impressed by the work that went into it.

They all LOVE the pot roast, as well.

Robin

Clam Chowder – Fennel Flan With Potato Crusted Clams & Crusted Bacon

Toby finds the texture repulsive. Padma says it was congealed. Toby agrees.

Back to Judges Table...

Ashley (the guy) makes a snotty, and perfectly justifiable, remark to Robin in the stew room about how he should have done something simple like she did and HE could have gotten immunity. She says that’s the kind of food she likes to cook.

Ashley (the girl), Michael, Kevin and Jennifer get called in first.

WHY do the judges always look mad before they tell the first group they’re the winners? Michelle says she fell in love with (the girl) Ashley’s dish. Toby liked Jennifer’s confidence in keeping it simple.

The winner is…I think it should be Kevin…and it is KEVIN. YAY me!!! And him! He wins a special prize. A set of nonstick calphalon cookware. Heh? That’s not really chef’s stuff.

Laurine, Ron and Ash, the guy, get called in. I say Ron is going home.

Toby is mad that there were no mashed potatoes in Ashley (the boy)’s dish. The purée he decided not to use DID have potatoes in it. (I knew it!) WHY did he put it in the food pro? THAT was dumb. Tom says the meat was cooked inconsistently. Ashley (the boy) tries to defend his other cooking.

Laurine admits that her fish was overcooked. Toby missed the the fries.

Ron says he’s never done deconstruction…EVER! He agrees with Tom that he couldn’t think of a way to do it. Definitely Ron is leaving.

The chefs go out of the room. Tom and Toby argue over how to say paella. Toby says Pie-Ella. Gawd!

Padma says it’s pretty clear who needs to go. And it’s…RON! I’m batting a thousand. He’s sweet, but he was never gonna win, so he might as well go home. I like him, but, clearly, his cooking wasn’t up to some of the others.

I think I may be getting over this season, even if the cooking is great. This was not a riveting episode. Everything was kind of so-so. There’s no villain in the group and there’s no completely charming and lovable Carla-type. I do like Kevin and I want Jennifer to win, but I think it will be Bryan. I just don’t want to wait weeks to see that happen.

Ina Weaves Her Own Magic Plus Her Kitchen Beautiful

The Barefoot Contessa with Ina Garten

The Magic Factor

Chocolate Ganache Cupcakes

Easy Cheese Danish

Chicken Salad Sandwiches

Ina is writing an article about the magic ingredient that unlocks the flavor in food. I’m not sure what she means…is she talking about ONE magic ingredient for everything or different ones?

Oh I see what she’s doing. She’s giving different examples of how to perk up certain foods AND she’s organizing a taste test to prove her theories. She’s making cheese Danish with and WITHOUT lemon zest; chicken salad with and without tarragon (the one WITHOUT wins for me, I despise tarragon) and ganache with and without her must-add of coffee. This will be fun, but I think I know where the chips will lie without having a single bite.

I DO like the “new” music. (I know it’s not exactly brand new anymore, but it’s peppy.)

Ina carries a brown paper bag into the kitchen, from which she takes a bunch of lemons. (Ina, reusable bags are the way to go at the market.) She puts 8 oz. of cream cheese in a mixing bowl with 1/3 cup of sugar and creams that well. She adds 2 tablespoons of ricotta, vanilla, 2 egg yolks and a pinch of salt. She mixes that all until smooth.

Ina lays out some thawed (overnight) puff pastry on the floured counter and rolls it out to a 10” by 10” square. She cuts it in quarters and tells us to flour the knife, if it sticks. Smart. The Contessa puts a tablespoon of filling the middle of each square. She doesn’t say this, but don’t overfill them. She brushes the edges with egg wash and brings together the opposite corners so they overlap. More egg wash and onto a baking sheet they go.

The second batch is going to have lemon zest added to it. Ina mixes it into the filling and makes the Danish in the same way using the lemony filling. She marks the parchment paper so she can tell the difference. She chills them.

Ina shows us a quick scenario of other recipes where lemon zest can make a difference - apple pie, blueberry crumb cake, pancakes, angel food cake AND in savory dishes as well, like the herb crust for a rack of lamb. It’s also great in her Broccoli and Bowties dish, she says.

Speaking of the Contessa’s other dishes, did anyone see the October House Beautiful which features “The Kitchen of the Year”? How did I not know about this and that it was at Rockefeller Center from July 20th to the 24th?

Here’s the video of Ina giving a tour of this magnificent kitchen to the editor of House Beautiful, Stephen Drucker. She says the kitchen is the new living room. Then Drucker asks her to explain the “work triangle” as if it’s the theory of relativity. She doesn’t laugh at him. She’s sweet as she explains the fridge, sink and stove need to be fairly close to each other, so you don’t have to roller skate across the kitchen to reach them.

Ina says she likes having the kitchen in as big a room as possible, but to keep the actual workspace fairly small. AND, most importantly, she plans it so that noone has to walk through her work space going from one door to the other. Now THAT is a fabulous point. I’m thinking about my kitchen. Yeah, that’s true…kind of.

Stephen Drucker is actually sweet. He remarks on her amazing smile. Oh wait, he said STYLE not smile, but BOTH APPLY. And he says that she combines traditional elements with modern ones for a really unique look. Agreed.

Another thing Ina says to him, which is a rule that I live my life by, is that she doesn’t like divided sinks. I can’t stand them.

The October House Beautiful has FIFTY (count’em 50!!!) ideas of Ina's for the kitchen. Here are some of my favorites:

• Open shelves, so you can unload the dishwasher quickly. (My dishes are in cabinets, but my pots are on a baker’s rack, so I can grab them.)
• A countertop crock filled with utensils. Ina has one for wooden implements and one for stainless steel. (I don’t have that many wooden ones.) A corollary to this is to keep serving spoons out to make it easier when something needs to be stirred (or served).
• A shelf over the stove for constantly used items, like Kosher salt. (THAT’S where MY Kosher salt IS!)
• Long cabinet handles are easier to grab than little knobs. (I WISH I had done that.)
• Flour and sugar in 2 gallon jars on the countertop. (I don’t keep mine on the countertop, but I have them in big containers.)
• She says to invest in two dishwashers to make cleaning up from parties easier. I WISH! And let’s remember this IS Ina we’re talking about, who probably has a party (or two) a day!
• The last one is my favorite: “Fill a big bowl with ice and Champagne and it will immediately feel like a party.” So Ina.

Okay, back to her actual kitchen where Ina takes the Danish out of the fridge and puts them into a 400ºF oven for 20 minutes. She arranges them in separate pans, so the testers don’t get confused. When they come out of the oven, Ina sends them off to her office and then does her own taste test as well. She definitely likes the lemon zest one better; the office folks agree.

Ina moves on to chicken salad sandwiches. She has fresh tarragon (from her garden). She has already roasted chicken breasts, on the bone with the skin for 35 minutes at 350ºF. She drizzles them with olive oil and lots of Kosher salt and pepper.

The Barefoot One chops 1 cup of celery and adds ¾ of a cup of mayo. She pulls off the skin and cuts the meat off the bone and into bite-sized chunks. She seasons it well and stirs it to mix. She puts a bit of mayo on the bread with some mesclun and tops it with the chicken salad. Ina makes two sandwiches like that.

Remember when Giada made a sandwich and acted like it was the most complicated thing in the world? Ina prefaced HER sandwich making with “EVERYONE knows how to make a sandwich.” Thank you, Ina, for not pretending to be inventing the light bulb. (And LOOK, what’s happening with those!)

Ina chops the tarragon and adds it to the chicken salad and makes two more sandwiches with THAT chicken salad. The office gals taste both sandwiches. They prefer B by lots. They call Ina with the results. She says she knew they’d choose that.

Do they just sit around the office waiting Ina to summon them for taste tests? I hope those jobs comes with a gym membership and regular HDL testing.

Ina’s secret ingredient for chocolate is coffee. For cupcakes, she beats ¼ pound of room temperature butter with 1 cup of sugar. (She always leaves her butter out overnight. I never have the nerve. What if a raccoon got into the kitchen?)

She adds 4 room temperature eggs, one at a time, into the KitchenAid. Ina says she never cracks them on the edge of the bowl to avoid getting shells in the batter. (She also breaks the eggs into a separate bowl - one at a time - so if there’s anything skuzzy about the egg, she doesn’t ruin the entire batter.)

Ina adds one 16 oz. can of chocolate syrup (!!!) and vanilla. Then she adds in one cup of flour on low speed.

She lines cupcake pans with liners. (All the liners are an elegant white. Of course, they are.) She scoops half the batter into the liners with an ice cream scoop. No leavening? Oh, Ina says the batter has no leavening and, because of that, you can fill them up all the way.

To the remaining batter, she adds 1/2 teaspoon of instant ground coffee and fills the cupcake pan with the second batter. They bake at 325ºF for 30 minutes. Ina says people always love dessert, no matter what they say.

Next Ina makes a ganache for the frosting. She heats 8 ounces of chocolate chips with 1/2 cup of cream in a double boiler.

She texts her assistant, Barbara, to come over.

Ina takes half the cooled cupcakes and just dips them into the ganache quickly and easily. That’s cool, although I think they could use a bit more icing. When was the last time you heard THAT about anything that Ina cooked?!!

She adds ½ teaspoon of coffee powder to the rest of the ganache. She dips the ones that have coffee in them into the coffee-ed ganache.

She packs them into two cardboard boxes. This time, she’s sneaky and makes the ones she likes A instead of B. The office folks all prefer A. They say they’re more chocolatey. C’mon! If you worked for Ina for even one minute, you’d know that that she always puts coffee with chocolate.

Barbara asks what the secret is. Ina says it’s magic and snaps her fingers and disappears. Really…with anyone else, that would come off as hokey, but with Ina it’s just adorable. I love her, I really do, and her kitchen beautiful almost as much.

Top Chef Las Vegas – Camping Out And Poisoning The Judges

One of the guys is cutting his hair in front of the mirror. Oh sorry, that’s Robin. Why do they keep showing her every week and NOT sending her home?

Brother Michael is acting kind of snotty. He says some of the chefs that have left are more talented than some that still there, like ROBIN. He’s a jerk, (although I agree with him).

Michael says he, his brother and Mike I. are the most talented chefs there. What about Kevin? And AHEM! has he forgotten about his cooking partner from last week (whom he highly praised) – Jen, who’s my favorite, even though I think one of the brothers will probably win…if they can get over the school boy nonsense.

Michael V. also mentions that he won a Michelin star when he was 26. I have to check that out. Was it HIS restaurant? Okay, I guess he wasn’t really exaggerating. He was the Chef de Cuisine at Charlie Palmer’s Dry Creek Kitchen when it earned its Michelin star. That restaurant looks gorgeous from the pictures on the website. But as far as I can tell, it doesn’t STILL have the star. Is Mike V. going to claim that the restaurant lost its star when he left?

Pepé le Mattin is saying something in his heavily French-accented squeaky voice. Whatever. Turn on your speakers and click here.

Somebody is pouring milk in coffee. Oh, that’s Laurine. I like her now. I forgot that Ashley (the girl) is still there. She basically says she wants to go home, because her brother just had a baby.

They go to the Top Chef kitchen, where Padma, accompanied by guest Chef Tim Love, tells them that the Quickfire Challenge is to cook with cactus and the winner will get $15,000 from The M Resort, but no one will receive immunity.

Mattin has never cooked with cactus before. Every other word is unintelligible.

Mike I. seems to know what he’s doing and says most people don’t know how to make it not slimy.

I love Ron (not to win, but just to listen to his crazy talk). He tells us that “WE”, I guess meaning Haitians, don’t EVER eat cactus, because they’re evil, oh wait, he said poisonous, but same difference. You can tell he’s handling it at arm’s length. He’s throwing it into a stock pot and hoping for the best.

The dishes and Tim’s reactions:

Laurine

Cactus Salsa With Achiote Glazed Pork Chop

“The achiote is great.”

Kevin

Pork Tenderloin With Cactus Marmalade

Are you sensing a pattern with Kevin? Bacon Jam? Cactus Marmalade?

“Little slimy but good.” I guess Mike I. knew what he was talking about.

Michael V.

Avocado Roll With Cactus Coconut Ceviche & Red Cactus Coulis

“Nice.”

Ashley

Cactus Jelly Donuts With Orange Crème Anglaise

(I don’t approve of donuts spelled that way, unless it’s a brand name.)

Ashley says she was trying to coax some sweetness from the cactus. “It’s a good DOUGHnut.” (My emphasis.)

Mike I.

Cactus & Tuna Ceviche With Pipián

What the heck is that? Oh, this.

“I’m not following the relish on the side of the too much, but the rest of the plate is nice.“

Ron

Chipotle Swordfish With Cactus Sauce & Mango Papaya Crab Salad

Padma says, “Where’s the cactus?” Ron says, “I kept that evil sucker away from me and only put it in the sauce. I didn’t want the spirits to get me.” Okay, so maybe only the part about the sauce is true.

Tim says, ”Didya have fun?” (Say it low and slow like a cowboy. He’s kind of hot.) Ron grins widely and says, “Yes, I had a lot of fun.” “Perfect,” Tim says.

Bryan

Halibut & Cactus Ceviche With Tempura Cactus

His brother made ceviche too. Maybe their mom ate that when they were in utero. (That’s verboten now, isn’t it?)

No comment, except “Have you worked with cactus before?” “I have not,” Bryan replies.

Ash (the guy)

Cactus “Grilled Cheese”

That sounds dumb and stupid.

NOTHING from Tim.

Jen

Warm Chorizo & Cactus Salad With Queso Fresco

Sounds good!

“Thank you.”

(Little Boy Beep) Mattin

Breaded Cactus, Halibut With Tequila Pickled Cactus & Red Cactus Purée

“I’m a fan of tequila.” Tim's smoky Texas accent IS very appealing.

The losers:

Ash (the guy) is at the top of the list. Tim says, “I got no cactus flavor from it, the tortilla was really thick. (There WAS no tortilla press.) It was really dry in the mouth.”

Michael (He looks stunned!) – “Unfortunately I felt like it was two trains coming together. It just didn’t work for me.”

Ron – “Not only was your fish way overcooked, but the crab tasted rancid in my mouth.” Eww. (Maybe that was just some voodoo powder to ward away the evil sprits from the cactus.)

The winners:

Laurine is one of the top finishers. (I told you I like her now.) “Your flavors were really, really nice.”

Mike I, who Tim thinks was the only person who knew how to prepare cactus. (Is THAT really saying anything?)

And MATTIN, who gives a little swagger…but not the manly kind. Tim thinks his and Mike’s dish were the only two that really showcased the cactus. (AGAIN, is that a big deal to know how to do?)

And the winner is Mike I. He’s very excited. Mike V. is such a jerk. He says (to us) that Mike deserved to win this one, but he’d rather be able to put together interesting flavors than take the slime out of cactus. I basically think the same thing but I would never SAY it out loud (well, just to you guys).

GREAT Macy’s commercial. (I always cry at the one with Johnny Carson. It’s the one where Kanye keeps his mouth shut.)

The Elimination Challenge is to prepare a high end lunch for Chef Love and two dozen cowboys. They can make anything they want, but they aren’t told what they have to cook with. I guess they’re each making a separate dish, which is good. They have 30 minutes and 150 dollars to shop with. They RUN into the store and start their shopping. They all seem to be buying fish.

They go out to a ranch in the desert. They see tents and realize that’s where they’re going to be sleeping. Gross. It’s a million degrees too. Mike V. says it looks like a scene from a horror movie. They’re at a place called Sandy Valley Ranch. I’m not sure this is the best advertisement for it.

They see fire pits. Robin is kind of psyched…for some reason. Where are they putting the fish? I think this is a recipe for salmonella and worse.

Do we really have to hear about Mattin’s camping experiences? Ashley says she grew up in the middle of the woods and she knows all about outhouses. I don’t think this bodes well for sanitary cooking conditions.

Eli doesn’t believe in camping and thinks it’s asinine. This is his “idea of “a living hell”. I’m with him.

Ron takes a tree apart and puts the branches in front of his tent. He says that will keep snakes away. It’s some voodoo thing he tells Ash, his tent mate.

Mike V. says he and Bryan (unsmiling) are competitive, but at the same time they want to support each other. I haven’t seen one sign of that.

They sit around a campfire at night and go to bed in these tiny tents. How pointless.

Next we see them sitting around in the blazing sun (IN their chef’s coats) waiting for 10 am to arrive when they can start cooking. WHERE exactly did all the fish go? This challenge has runny tummies written all over it.

Eli says they’re all just going to try to stay hydrated and conscious.

Bryan is confident. Ashley figures out how to cook effectively over an open flame by keeping cast iron pans over the heat to even out the temperature. Robin is running around, which doesn’t bode well for her final result. Mattin is making a ceviche to avoid cooking over the pits.

Ron is making a simple ceviche (too). Jen is concerned that Ron is “screaming for a sword”…probably to get rid of the evil spirits.

Michael is focused and says he doesn’t change his dishes depending on who he’s cooking for. He does what he wants and screw ‘em if the cowboys don’t like it (or words to that effect). I don’t disagree - completely – with that approach, but again I’m not sure I would say it out loud.

Laurine has lived on a ranch and is using the grill to its full effect, she thinks.

Robin is proud of herself for making a “hearty” grilled romaine salad. Isn’t that kind of oxymoronic? Robotic Bryan describes his pork dish with the enthusiasm of a cactus.

The judges arrive with the cowboys and gals. Ashley describes them as a motley crew, who have probably been growing beards (the guys) since they were 14.

Mike I.

Pork Gyro With Apple & Fennel Tzatziki

The judges think it’s okay, but he always does Greek food and this is kind of boring.

Eli

Tuna Sandwich With Sun-Dried Tomato Mayonnaise & Radish Salad

Padma says it could use more flavor. Tim Love on the radish salad: ”It brings nothing to the plate."

Laurine

Sautéed Arctic Char With Tomatillo Salsa, Corn Salsa & Grilled Potato

Gael says, “Flavorful." Tom: “The salsa’s really nice.” Tim Love: “I like the use of the grill and I like the flavor that got into the potato.”

Ash

Grilled Chicken Paillard With Corn Succotash

Tom: ”At least this dish is a little more sensible.” But they all think it has too much bacon (and grease) in it.

Mattin

Ceviche Three Ways – Salmon With Apple, Spicy Tuna & Cod With Corn

Tim: The cod “is a little fishy”. Tom SPITS out his food. “It’s really…it’s gross”.

Okay, bye bye Mattin. There’s NO way he can stay after that.

OMG, next they show Mattin saying it’s a great dish and that the judges are going to notice there was a lot of work in it. Yeah, they’re really going to be thinking of him, as they’re retching out the remains of his fish.

Robin

Grilled Romaine Salad With Drunken Prawns & Spicy Chicken Sausage

Tim: “It’s terrible. It tastes like I just sucked on a piece of chlorine.” Gael: “Yeah.”

Robin tells us that she didn’t taste the prawns until AFTER she’d given them to the judges and they weren’t good. WHY would she do that?

Bryan

Roasted Pork Loin, Corn Polenta, Dandelion Greens & Glazed Rutabaga

Tim: “I think Bryan’s dish is very appropriate.” Tom: “Very nicely cooked.”

Gael: “I would feel confident camping with that man.” Okay, Gael, we get that you’d like to hit a tent with him, but what about his food? (Remember when the Contessa got randy in the tent with Jeffrey?)

Tom says if you have a good game plan, you can put together a nice game plan even out here.

Jennifer

Snapper With Duck Confit, Daikon, Carrot & Tomato Water Salad

Tom: “It’s actually perfectly cooked.” Gael: “Her slaw is great.” Tim: “It didn’t jump out at me, but everything about it tasted good.”

Ashley

Seared Halibut With Avocado Mousse, Bacon, Tomato & Braised Romaine

Tim: “The avocado is actually pretty good.” Gael: “This is the best thing that Ashley has done so far.” Padma: “Maybe she’s the dark horse.”

Ron

Coconut, Lime Mango & Tuna Ceviche & Haitian Coconut Mojito

Tim: “Of all the ceviches we’ve had today, this is probably one of the better ones. Tom: “Yeah it’s just a little sweet, but other than that, I agree with you.” Tim: The cocktail’s terrible! Padma:” It’s disgusting.”

Kevin

Roasted Duck Breast With Mole & Tequila Marinated With Watermelon

That sounds really good to me.

Padma: “This looks so pretty.” Tom: “The duck is nicely cooked.”

Michael V.

Dashi With Miso & Mirin Cured Black Cod & Watermelon

Gael: “Really tasty. I love the shitake flavor.” Tom: “Nice and refreshing.”

They leave the desert and get back to judges table.

We learn in the break that Kevin is (virtually) a championship horse-shoe thrower. He is totally sweet and cute.

The best dishes of the night:

Bryan's, Ashley's, Laurine's and Michael's

Mike I. looks so jealous.

Ashley is much happier being in the winning group than the losing one. Gael loved “the focus” of Bryan’s dish. Tim liked the way Laurine used the grill.

They compliment Michael’s dish, as Bryan looks over. Is that a smile or a grimace? Can’t tell.

The winner is Bryan. Michael looks over this time, not entirely thrilled. Bryan is such a dolt as he remarks that he always comes out on top when put against his brother. (Are brothers always so competitive?)

The losing dishes are Robin, Ron and Mattin.

Mattin should go home for poisoning them, plus he looks soooooo geeky.

Robin gives some long-winded explanation of what she was trying to make which has nothing to do with what she did make. She admits she’s not surprised to be there and Tom says THIS could be the dish that sends her home.

Mattin says he was very happy with his dish and that he’s surprised to be there. Tom is amazed and says that some of the fish seemed cooked and some was raw and that it was really poorly put together.

Tim says he actually GOT SICK from the cod ceviche. (This reminds me when Mario ate raw partridge and got REALLY sick when he was “On the Road” in Spain with Gwynnie. She was too smart to eat it.)

They all said Ron’s ceviche was pretty good, but that the cocktail was one of the worst things they’ve ever tasted. Then Ron yells back, “I don’t drink. I didn’t want the coconut to go to waste.” He gives his Buddha-like smile.

The judges agree that Ron’s dish was the most edible of the three. Robin’s was awful and she knew it, but did nothing to fix it. Mattin, though, was completely clueless about how bad his dish was. Well, that settles it for me.

Okay the loser is…Mattin. Well, THAT was overdue!

Mattin says maybe the ceviche wasn’t a good idea for cowboys. He says he’s sure the other chefs will miss him. Maybe THEY will.

Preview:

Toby Young: It looks like a couple of bull’s testicles.

Padma: I’ve actually had bull’s testicles.

Penn: I’ll bet.

Hmmm, something to look forward to.

For some reason, I’m hating people less. I thought Laurine was sweet, Ron was a riot, Kevin is precious. It’s only the brothers who are annoying and they’re wonderful chefs. Bryan is clearly the one to beat. Seeing Michael’s face won’t be fun though, unless you’re working through your own sibling rivalry issues.