Tuesday, June 23, 2009

NO WAY! NO HOW! Mama Should NEVER Be Left Out Of An Episode Of Cake Boss

Cake Boss - Undead, Unclothed, and Unhappy Mama

Now THIS is what I signed on for with Cake Boss: Mama running through the bakery, screaming that she won’t have erotic, exotic, WHATEVAH cakes, baked in HER bakery. She had a half a ton of Italian grown men quaking in the boots (well, bakery-safe shoes). THAT’S what I’m tawwwkin’ about.

ANYTHING would be better than that bride last week, but Buddy still has drama in his life, and, actually, it’s caused by another bride-related incident.

Buddy tells us they’ve become famous for their specialty cakes. I feel as if he’s setting us up for the next unusual request.

Jason and Christina come to him for a cake for the Zombie Walk in Asbury Park. They’re having Prom Night Of The Living Dead. They want a cake full of blood and rotting things. After the zombies leave, one of his staff suggests an entire cake of a rotting brain that they eat out of. Buddy doesn’t like that idea. WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS? Let’s move on.

It gets decided that the cake will be a tombstone with a dead body on it. Okay…gross. Next! (We DID learn about Dirty Icing, which is a layer of buttercream under the fondant, which gives them a smoother surface to work with. BTW, I couldn’t find that term anywhere.)

Buddy’s sister Grace (I believe) greets two gals who have come in to discuss the cake for a bachelorette party for Tone Tone’s cousin. Tone Tone is Buddy’s assistant and I’ve never noticed him before. Buddy says he’s a great cake artist.

Mama comes out to talk to the customers and ask them what they’re thinking of for the cake. She says no “erotic" cakes in her bakery. They smile gamely. One of her daughters drags her away, as she says, “I wanna get to heaven when I go.”

Mama reiterates, “No sexy cakes. WE WILL NOT MAKE THOSE CAKES. No how.” Why do I think there will be all kinds of lewd baking going on behind her back?

Buddy also tells us that Mama doesn’t allow any kind of erotic cakes, but sometimes he’s gotta do it “on the sneak”. They decide on a strip club cake. (Wouldn’t that be more appropriate for the BACHELOR party?) Oh, what do I know? I’m just looking for icing tips from the master of the piping bag.

Buddy says the girls were pretty graphic and they wanted a raunchy cake. He asks for more details. “NAKED STRIPPERS,” they say without hesitation. One adds,”The STRIPPERS might be little, but other things can’t be…SIZE MATTERS.” Buddy laughs nervously.

Buddy’s “vision” is to do a stage. As he describes the cake to his bakers, he does a bit of grinding. First, he says the girl bakers will do the figures. Then he completely outs Tone Tone and says since he’s gay and it’s for HIS family, he can do a naked figure too. Buddy says they have to be good looking and well-endowed. This is getting a bit ooky. Where’s Mama? We need her.

Buddy makes the stage, dirty ices the cake and then covers it in a black fondant.

The girls go ahead with the guy figures and Buddy says they’re doing a good job. Then he looks at Tone Tone’s and he says Holy Sch-n-eye-ky! Apparently, he’s done too good a job. That’s all I know, because the figure’s anatomy is pixilated out. “Hey now! How YOU doing?” asks Buddy.

Mauro says Tone Tone has used way too much modeling chaw-ko-lot and that if his mother-in-law (Mama) gets a look at it, everyone is in big trouble. Buddy adds that they better hide everything if she’s around. Just as one of the girls is saying she feels funny about keeping the x-rated figures from Mama, WHO WALKS IN? Mama, of course.

“What did I say? THAT is not acceptable at Carlo’s bakery,” bellows Mama. “Buddy’s not the boss! He may be the CAKE boss, but he ain’t the BOSS! No way. No how. Wait till I get my son.”

She says the muscles on them are okay, but the other stuff isn’t going to be showing. She tells them to put clothes on them.

Mama looks for Buddy. “I told him those cakes are not allowed in this place. Erotic, exotic, whatever you call them. NO WAY NO HOW.”

She finds Buddy and his crew of large, kowtowing men. She tells him in no uncertain terms that she won’t have that in her bakery. “YOUSE know I feel about those cakes!”

Buddy says, sheepishly, that the only reason he did it was for Tone Tone’s sister. Mama doesn’t care if it’s for HIS sister, it is not happening in her bakery. “You are going to respect my wishes.”

Buddy proposes “dancing guys with bathing suits”. Mauro adds, “With nothing exposed.” She repeats that she’s the boss, SHE writes the checks at the end of the week.

You gotta love Mama. And I don’t blame her for not wanting all kinds of genitalia coming out of her bakery.

After she dresses them down (and they understand they have to dress the figures UP), she dismisses them.

Buddy finishes up the zombie cake. He uses pound cake which, he says, is easy to sculpt.

OY, Mama is back. She opens a fridge and there is Tone Tone’s stripper “with his thing hanging out”, which practically hits her in the face. She screams. They all laugh hysterically. Buddy assures her he will be covered. He decides to add (an easily removed) apron. He even adds molded dollar bills. Mama inspects the cake and approves. Buddy is happy.

Buddy decides to deliver the cake personally. Is that a good idea? Does Mama or Mrs. Buddy know about this? He and his boys go into the club and are greeted by a bunch of screaming women.

Buddy unveils the big guy and they gape at the cake admiringly. AND SCREAM! The bride loves the strippers. He leaves before they disrobe HIM.

The next day he finishes the zombie cake. Frankly, Mama, I think THAT cake is a lot worse than the stripper cake. To finish it up, he airbrushes the cake with black food coloring “to make the features really pop” and splatters red corn syrup all over to look like blood.

It ends up looking really, really, really gross. They deliver it to the group that looks just as disgusting as the cake. The Zombie King says the cake is way more disgusting than they thought it was going to be. That’s a good thing.
For my money, I'd rather take the

than the .

And I don’t think Mama should have approved of either one.


Phyllis said...

This is the first episode of Cake Boss I ever watched - my hubby and I laughed our butts off! Especially when Mama opened that fridge and his "thing was hanging out"! We used to live in Hoboken where the bakery is located, and occasionally got pastries/dessert from there but I had no idea that all this was going on behind the scenes, otherwise I would have ordered my wedding cake from Buddy.

The Short (dis)Order Cook said...

Mama needs to chill. People will shell out good money for sexy stuff. It's like when I worked for a company that sold imprinted swag. One day someone called up and asked a salesperson if they could do a key chain shaped like a banana. Then he asked if the banana could be beige. Salesperson asked, "Why would you want a beige banana?" Customer said, "Well, we're a gay hotel..."

The zombie cake was gross, but I have to say it was really cool. Very well done. It actually looked like it would taste good. Still, in the end, I'd prefer a cake with a good-sized schmenke on it than one that looks like a rotting corpse.

Sue said...

Hi Phyllis,
Wow! You've experienced the Cake Boss's genius first hand? You're sooo lucky.

You're not wrong. It could be a lucrative (body) part of the baking business, I suppose. So, did they make the beige banana? Eww.

What a great word - "schmenke"! Did you make that up? It's brilliant.