Monday, October 10, 2011

Reege Visits The Cake Boss And Love Is A Many Splendored Thing, Especially If You’ve Been Married 49 Times

Cake Boss with Buddy Valastro

It’s been a while since I’ve checked in with the Cake Boss. I'm sure he’s still going strong. The intro for his show is now Buddy and the crew in an abbreviated production number of “Sugar, Sugar”.  Even Mama gets into the act. Gosh, I hope he still bakes for a living.

His first client consult is with Maria, the Korean Bride. She’s been married 49 times in 49 states and she wants Buddy to make a cake for her last wedding in New York. AND she’s never married the same person twice. Buddy is incredulous. And when she explains it’s “an art project”, he’s even more confused. It’s not just you, Buddy!

Maria says people get divorced too easily. Oh, THAT explains it! She gets married a lot and divorced a lot to make the point that it’s terrible to get married a lot and divorced a lot. She’s obviously a loon and if Buddy takes on this project, he’s kind of one too. He should say, Honey, take a few cannoli for the road and Ciao, baby!

She shows Buddy some pictures and NOW, it ALL makes sense…NOT!!! It even makes less sense. She marries guys in SOME of her weddings. But in others, she marries a tree and the Liberty Bell. Oh, and a horse too. Let’s not think about that wedding night. 

I’d like to see Buddy make a cake that reflects all 50 weddings, but let’s see what he thinks. He puts it well. “What the…Who da…What?

Buddy explains he’s going to do a classic 3 tier wedding cake. (Yeah, that follows...What could be more classic than marrying a horse?) Then he’s going to put figurines of some of her different grooms around the cake. Okay, that’s sort of what I said, but I guess he can’t fit all of them on the cake.

There are a few new young guys in the bakery since I last watched. Is one of them Cousin Ant-knee? I sure hope so. He’s certainly moved up from his cake-delivering days.

We move on to Regis coming to the bakery. He greets all the folks outside AND inside. I notice none of them is getting out of line to say hi. He finds Buddy in the kitchen. With Gelman watching, he tells Buddy he wants to learn to bake a real cake, not just the small stuff. Sister Maddalena gets him set up with a Cake Boss Chef’s jacket. You can have one too.

Buddy whispers to Reege that he wants his help in pranking some of the younger guys in the bakery, including Cousin Ant-Knee. Regis’s eye light up at the idea. (Maybe he’ll whisper to Buddy to include Gelman in the joke.)

They arrange that when Ant-Knee glances at Regis, Regis will say, “Are you looking at me?” Then Buddy will get Ant-Knee with a pie. Reege gets nervous that HE’LL get it in the face. Buddy assures him that’s not the case. I’m worried for Reege. And when he sees Gelman looking particularly happy, he’s really concerned, but he goes along with it. I don’t like pranks. They make me uneasy.

Buddy takes Reege upstairs to show him how to do a traditional buttercream cake. Buddy shows him how to dirty ice a cake and then tells him to do it. Poor Regis can’t even turn the turntable as he’s squeezing out the icing onto the cake. Actually, he can’t even squeeze the icing out. This is looking squirrelly. (And a squirrel would do a MUCH better job.)

Ant-knee comes by and axes what they’re making. Buddy introduces them and Regis goes into his shtick. Ant-knee doesn’t give an inch. He says, “Why are YOU looking at ME?” Then Buddy starts arguing with him and all of sudden Joey comes by and slaps a bunch of icing(?) in Ant-Knee’s face. I don’t think that’s funny. Regis says the whole thing reminds him of a Joe Pesci movie. Okay, the producers have GOT to come up with better routines. Or maybe this is proof of the fact that Buddy and crew come up with them themselves. Kind of dumb. And the worst part is that I think they wasted Reege.

Oh good, they’re not done with him. Regis decorates the cake he iced by piping blue icing around the top edge with a piping bag THAT HAS NO NOZZLE ON IT! Okay, this is getting truly slapstick. A baby could do a better job.

AND he’s getting tons of colored icing on the sleeve of his jacket, which his now good friend, Ant-Knee, points out to him. Buddy says they should bury his cake and build a church over it. Regis says he thought it would be a lot easier.

Buddy is going to make an appearance on Live with Regis and Kelly. Regis wants Buddy to bring a really good cake for the staff. As if there was any other kind…

They get to work on the nut case’s cake. Mauro can’t believe she married the Liberty Bell.  Buddy makes a kind of formal looking white square layered cake with a red design on it that looks like what’s on Chinese takeout boxes. You know…all red and swirly.

For the Regis and Kelly cake, Buddy has Ralph and Juan making Regis and Kelly. What if they look scary?

Hey! I just noticed they’re at this big beautiful new bakery warehouse-type of place. Interesting. A LOT of cannoli are getting fried. Joey’s former fire captain comes to see him at work and wonders if it’s true that he’s really thinking about leaving the FD. He says he can’t work at the bakery AND at the Fire Department. The Captain says he’s got to really think about it. Now Joey is rethinking his whole plan.

Back to the old bakery and Buddy is dealing with the wedding cake. Buddy puts all the bits and pieces on the cake. Next we’re in Times Square where Maria marries (in about 3 seconds) a Deepak Chopra lookalike. I don’t think they meant for him to look like Deepak, he just does. What happens now? Does she get divorced before they cut the cake? I guess not, because Buddy’s just delivering it now.

You know that really could BE Deepak Chopra. Oh, his name is Ram. Ant-knee gets down on his knee and asks if he can be number 51. Apparently not.

Back to the frightening looking Regis and Kelly cake. It’s interesting that they’re making busts, not complete figures. Speaking of busts, Regis later comments on the size of Kelly's (iced) chest. Buddy decorates Kelly’s base with shoes and Reege’s with sports and Irish heritage things.

The bakers arrive at the show and wait in the green room. Danny has come along because he’s crazy for Kelly. He doesn't look particularly alluring. He’s wearing old pants that he made into shorts with scissors. Beautiful and shiny-looking Kelly comes in to say hi and he’s completely star-struck. Danny stands robotically and stares all up and down at her. She says she thinks he likes her outfit. Buddy asks her if they can get a picture of her with Danny. She grabs Danny and smiles for the camera and says that Danny smells like frosting. Someone says he smells like that AND cigarettes too.

Then they introduce Buddy and he’s perfectly at home on live television. They bring out the Regis and Kelly cake. They love it. The shows ends with Regis saying his cake could have been better if only he had had a tip to use. (Isn’t that true of life…without the right tip, nothing works out?)

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