Food Directives From The Ridiculous To The Inane

Frank Bruni, in this Op-Ed piece in yesterday’s New York Times, reports being told one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. He was dining at a New York City restaurant with a pricey, multi-coursed menu.

Bruni was served a specter of different (savory?!!) flavored waters with the waiter suggesting that he “make a memory of them.” You HAVE to be kidding me!

Never mind that Bruni described the drinks as “pond runoff” or that they were served lukewarm, which would make a bad situation even more dire, but the worst thing, it seems to me, is that the kitchen wasted so much time actually coming up with and THEN executing this dumb idea.

Bruni writes about all the crazy ways that food is served and the hoops you have to jump through to eat your meal the way the kitchen advises (commands) you to.

Didn’t this all start with molecular gastronomy with the chef telling diners that they had to eat the CO2 frozen shrimp eyeball BEFORE the Mississippi mud foam? Shouldn’t we worry about food that needs such explicit instructions to be palatable?

The only thing I disagree with Bruni about is THIS (although it is guffaw-inducing):

"Diners at the latest hot bistro or trattoria snap loving pictures of everything they eat, seeming to forget that it’s dinner, not “America’s Next Top Chicken Breast.” In New York, even the meatballs have paparazzi."

I’m a visual learner and, when I’m not reading the culinary literary greats, I personally prefer to read about food that I can see. (Of course, one of those exceptions was reading Frank Bruni’s reviews in the NY Times).

As far as tutelage in the WAY to eat, though, people don't need their hands held as they make their way through a menu.

Actually, the only time I think a diner needs instruction is when he or she is one of those people who has to eat one thing at a time and who segregates each item from its neighbor. They have a conniption if different foods meet on the plate. It doesn't matter that it all meets in the stomach, but on the plate, NEVER! Those are the people who need guidance...but from a different kind of professional, not the ones wearing a chef’s hat.

Hold on, Nellie! I just remembered the cheese sandwiches I ate as a kid. The cheese was never allowed to touch the bread. OMG! I’m one of them! I grew out of that long ago, but what possible reason could I have had for doing that? Maybe I just intrinsically knew that the (individually wrapped) cheese (food slices) would taste better when surrounded by turkey. Who knows?

But, really, are the chefs, who issue strict rules about how their food is to be eaten any different from the sick puppies who have to eat things in a specific order? Aren’t they both exhibiting the same desire to have some control over the often chaotic environment of modern life?

And does a fancy chef explaining WHY, WHEN and HOW you have to eat something make it any easier to bear? I personally have a bit of a rebel streak, so if someone tells me to eat something in a specific order, I’m more than likely to do the exact reverse. AND I would never stand for lukewarm water, from a pond or anywhere else.