What I Learned From Melissa’s Last Two Shows

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C’mon, I’m funny.

Ten Dollar Dinners with Melissa d'Arabian

Savory Savings

Roasted Asparagus with Lemon Vinaigrette

Salmon Cakes

Orzo with Thyme and Lemon Zest

In this first show I'm watching, Melissa is making salmon cakes...presumably for guests(!) She's intending to make THREE for each person. Most people wouldn’t want one, much less three.

Have I ever told you my salmon cake story? Actually I have two, please indulge me just for a minute.

The first one is actually my husband’s. When his grandparents were “baby” sitting for him and his sister one week, his grandma, of course, was doing all the cooking. She called him down for dinner. He came down the stairs and took one whiff of the salmon croquettes and turned on his heels and went back upstairs with an “I’m not hungry.”

The second story involves my daughter and I do think I may have shared this in some long ago post, but it’s so germane that I can’t resist a retelling. I made salmon cakes one night for the kids. I always served garnished plates, rather than family style. I put their plates down and my daughter said, “Mom, can I have a new plate?” I said, “Of course, Honey, but what happened?” She said, “Someone threw up on my plate.” Needless to say, I never made those again.

I actually FOUND the post, but I’m not telling you which it is for two reasons. I don’t think it made a particularly suitable Easter story and, in THAT recounting, I claimed it was lentil burgers, not salmon cakes. Same difference.

You know the old line, if you buy the premise, you buy the bit? Well, I don’t buy for a second that you’d actually serve anyone, other than your immediate family, salmon cakes made from canned salmon. I’m not saying they’re not a solution to what to do with an old can with salmon. BUT to pretend that you’d serve them (THREE of them) to company is just ludicrous.

More observations:

I don’t think refreshing is the right word to use to describe an orzo dish.

Melissa loves having bacon in the freezer.

Her husband is French and loves when they speak French around the house. (Remember how the Coneheads always said they were French?)

Why does Mel have to walk around the kitchen gathering ingredients in her arms as she goes? That’s an RR move, isn’t it? Rach was so right about identifying Melissa as a blonde mommy version of Rachael Ray.

I really do not like her blue cabinetry. It looks dreadful next to the stove.

Melissa opens the red pepper flakes jar after she scrapes the garlic off the press, with no hand washing in between. Why is her voice so loud?

Why is she yelling about where to snap the asparagus? I don’t mind her roasting the asparagus, but if you weren’t making that, would you really turn on your oven for one hour to bake ONE potato, just to add to the salmon cakes. (At least the recipe says you can bake or boil it.)

There she is in her green shirt again talking to us. Why are they making it so obvious that they shoot 10 shows in a day? You know what? I really have to try and give her a break. This is what? Her 4^th show. She’s ok. Her set is hideous, but that isn’t her fault. Her spiel is okay, but if she says "layer of flavor" one more time, I’LL scream (as opposed to her).

Melissa tells us she’s adding parm to the salmon cakes. I know I’ve queried this before, but isn’t there a thing in Italy about not serving cheese with fish or seafood?

Okay, I’m watching her make the salmon cakes, I’m not learning anything. But I am wondering why she adds sugar to the salmon cakes. Now this is funny, RIGHT in the middle of the salmon cake recipe, I actually saw a switch flip in Melissa’s brain. She actually, at that very moment, became comfortable in front of the camera. It was like black and white. Before she was stiff and a little unreal, all of a sudden, with a flip of her hair and a crooked elbow (not crook-KED, crooked), she started playing to the camera. I’m not saying that’s good or bad, I’m just saying.

3 salmon cakes per person she tells us are definitely worthy of being served at your next dinner party. Oh my, if someone invited me to dinner and made Mel’s salmon cakes, I would be disturbed. AND they just don’t look that good. Of course, it’s possible to serve “budget friendly” meals (that makes me think of RR’S “figure friendly” rifts), but salmon cakes just sound sad to me. Plus, Mel didn’t talk at all about going through the canned salmon for bones and skin. (Gosh, how I want to be watching Melrose Place right now instead of catching up on my Tivo.).

Oh boy, now Melissa is “having fun” with her vinaigrette! She’s using a whisk the size of a Bateau Mouche to whisk 1 teaspoon of mustard with 3 tablespoons lemon juice.

She’s serving 4, maybe 5, spears of asparagus per person. Oh, THAT’S how she does this for $10. The asparagus does not look roasted. It looks raw.

The perkiness she displays when adding lemon zest to the orzo borders on the maniacal.

Melissa hoists THREE salmon cakes on her plate. Who in the world wants to eat that many of THOSE? She has to chew hard on the asparagus, because it’s so raw.

Next show...can I stand this?

Beyond Pork and Beans

Succulent Braised Pork

Perfect Black Beans

Drop Biscuits with Green Onions

She’s wearing a headband to change her look. She LOVES living in Keller, Texas and playing bunko with her friends. OH NO, I play bunko (actually, we changed it to poker and now it’s usually going out). Her group puts in 20 dollars apiece. We never put in more than 5. I guess everything is bigger in Texas.

Melissa says she once fed 31 women for 58 dollars including wine. She’s making a pork something or other which cooks for 3 hours. She uses every bit of the celery (ooh, bitter) doesn’t bother to peel the carrot. She removes the meat and adds the veggies. Ok, I think I’ve had enough. You? I’m actually fast forwarding, which I NEVER do. I gave it a try, I really did.

Maybe just a few more minutes...She adds some flour to the stew, starts biscuits, “creates braising liquid” and stirs watery black beans.

Who would serve a big, hot, clunky pork dish in giant pieces during bunko? We usually do booze and snacks. The snacks are important, but the booze is more important.

She makes the biscuit dough in a food processor.

I just realized where Melissa would be great! You know those Kraft or whatever commercials, where they have some bland person cooking for a minute and a half showing you how to use Velveeta or whatever?

That’s about all I can stand of Melissa. She’s perfectly nice, she’s sweet, I guess, just not terribly interesting. The commercials for Brian Boitano, trying to cook his way into a supper club, just show the huge difference between the two.

OMG!!! The commercial for the Perfect Brownie Pan is about a million times more exciting than Mel’s show. I want one, except I like to cut my brownies really small.

If you’re interested, call 1-800-437-0713, AND you’ll get “a gooey and chewy recipe guide” too. Wait, there’s more! You can make Grandma’s apple pie squares! There’s more! Decorative stencils, too. I’m not kidding. That looks awesome. If the shipping on the 19.95 item wasn’t 54 dollars, I might buy it. Oh, it’s only half the price of the pan. Melissa’s back, too bad. I had forgotten all about her.

She adds salt and pepper to the stew and then serves herself some with the seasoning sitting on the top...no stirring in at all.

The black beans look, well, black, next to the pork. Okay, bye for now, I don’t wanna see her eat. I may not have learned anything, but I’m pretty psyched about my new brownie pan.