Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Buddy Slants A Cake And Disses His Sisters Plus Only The Boys Get Lobster

Cake Boss

Leaning, Lobsters & Lectures

Even though he wasn't nice to the gals, Buddy is so adorable, I’m going to let him get away with just a gentle lecture:
Buddy, be nice to youse sistahs!

Before we get to that, Buddy utters some famous last words: “It’s going to LOOK like the tower and it’s going to LEAN like the tower.” Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Cake Boss.

A couple comes in wanting a Leaning Tower of Pisa cake. Buddy is going to make every little column perfect. I’VE actually been to the Leaning Tower Of Pisa. It was so long ago it wasn’t even leaning…Badda boom. Actually, it was, but back then you could walk up into the tower. They didn’t allow that for years and, recently, they opened it yet again.

On the base of the Pisa cake, Buddy’s going to put lookalike figures of the couple on a Vespa. He’s using so much piping to construct it, it looks like he’s building a sewer. Buddy says, “She’s a gonna lean, but she’s a not gonna fall.” It’s a pound cake with a buttercream filling. Goodness, that cake is 15 feet tall. Oh, Buddy says it’s 4 feet tall.

Some guy with glasses comes into the bakery and tells the sisters that he has an appointment with Buddy. Wazzup with dis?!! Any bespectacled person can just walk in and see the Cake Boss?

Michael, glasses guy, is the best man at a wedding for the first time ever. He’s throwing a party for the couple on Friday. WHO DOES THAT? Who organizes a cake for an important party 3 days before? What a loser. He tells Buddy he’s planning a clambake on a roof deck(?)

Michael, not terribly fluid with his words, is searching for the words to tell Buddy what he wants. Good luck giving the speech at the wedding! “You know” really doesn’t explain the kind of cake that Buddy should make.

Michael does say the couple has been together for 10 years. Buddy says, “Wow, they’re finally taking the plunge!!!” And so is born the singular idea of a lobster bride and groom about to be plunged to their deaths in a pot of boiling water. Nothing says wedding like a good crustacean murder.

(If this were Julie and Julia, the Humane Society would be hanging around.)

They continue with the Pisa cake using a brick rolling pin, which makes fondant look like bricks. That’s cool. Buddy put columns between each layer and tops them with fondant balustrades. And he puts caps and bases onto each column. He is amazing. I’d like to see Buddy build the Taj Majal with modeling chaw-co-lot.

Weirdo Michael comes back and tells Buddy he needs the cake TONIGHT! This is ridiculous. C’mon, I don’t believe this. Buddy reluctantly agrees to have it ready.

Buddy asks Mauro what was he supposed to say. Danny says he should have said N-O. Mauro says if Buddy agreed to do it, he better start lobstering.

Buddy makes a big silver pot out of cake. He sprinkles brown sugar around to look like sand (we’ve seen that trick before). Then he melts isomalt, “a sugar substitute used in candy making” and pours it over the ice to make it look almost crystal looking. That will be the boiling water. He puts the dried isomalt on top and it looks good. THEN he makes clam shells out of fondant.

He asks cousin Ant-knee to get him some lobsters for inspiration.

The sisters call up to the bakery on the intercom to ask Buddy a question. The bakers refuse to pick up the phone, so the gals can’t understand what the bakery is saying. He says they “take it offensively” when they can’t hear him. They keep screaming at each other. Mauro asks why don’t dey just take a message.

Cake Boss yells that every day he comes to work and gets his balls broken and when he drops dead he’s going to go right to heaven. Meanwhile Danielle is sculpting the Vespa. Buddy looks at the Pisa cake and adds some brown petal dust to make it look a little antique.

Ant-knee walks in with 2 live lobsters. All the guys come over and play with them. Seeing them helps Buddy make the lobsters for the cake.

Suddenly Grace and her posse of sisters come storming into the bakery. She says, “YOU’RE playing with lobsters and WE’RE busy.” They keep yelling about not being able to hear him on the intercom. He decides to take the path of least resistance and yeses them to death. They play the sisters’ voices fast to sound like Minnie Mouse. One of the girl artists looks at the guys like she doesn’t like how disrespectfully they’re being treated. Buddy! These are sisters, daughters, wives…the keepers of the sacred flame. Give them their due!

Buddy gets back to making the lobsters with modeling chocolate. He puts a top hat on the groom and a veil on the bride. He makes flames around the pot with fondant and puts his lobsters on top and places the claw together like they’re holding hands. He finishes the entire cake in 3 or 4 hours. Buddy delivers the cake to the rooftop and the bride and groom-to-be are thrilled. Buddy gives the idiot best man a hard time about getting the date wrong. The cake is huge. And there are only about 14 people there. That cake could serve 200.

Buddy’s sistah, Mary, comes in and says she needs a flower on a cake fixed. She brings the cake up to Tone and asks him if he can help her. He says he hasn’t been taught that yet. She says isn’t that like the first day of school? Then Mary says, “Tone, I love you”, and smashes the cake into his face. The others dissolve into laughter.

Oh my, there’s a preview of them blowing up a cake on next week’s show.

Buddy tells us that it’s a tradition at his bakery to get a cake smashed in your face for your birthday.

Back to the Pisa cake, Buddy has to make the cake lean. He’s worried. He leans it and everyone agrees it’s fantastic. “It was leaning. It was detailed. It was exact.” Buddy says.

They pick up the cake to move it into the truck. It’s raining, so they have to put a body bag over it. The wedding is in full force when they deliver the cake. The people go nuts like he was “frickinBon Jovi”. Buddy was happy that the bride was so happy. “I’m in the business of making people happy. That’s the business of cakes.”

The last scene is a big clam bake for the guys, featuring lobsters. No gals invited. Someone asks what’s for dessert. Buddy says “CAKE!” I hope the ladies were having an even better party...with some crustaceans of their own.


Phyllis said...

That leaning tower of Pisa cake was unbelievable. Have no idea how they drove it to the party without it falling over. And is Buddy not the nicest guy in the world for coming through with that last minute lobster cake?

Anonymous said...

I know, I know, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all...well, rules are made to be broken I guess. I've been reading your blog for a while now, and find it pretty enjoyable, so thanks! But...I'm sorry, I do not see why this show is popular with anyone. Everything about it is staged and phony. Buddy is a misogynistic camera hog, and his cakes are banal. I suggest you try out Ace of Cakes for true artistry, and a much more congenial atmosphere. Just sayin'.

Sue said...

Hey Phyliis,
I always THOUGHT Buddy was pretty nice, but I really never liked the way he treated the sistahs.

The Pisa cake was totally amazing and the lobster one just made me laugh with its (unintentioned?) symbolism of the bride and the groom lobster about to buy it...forever.

Hi Anon,
That is sooo funny that you say it - the first title I was going to use was "Misogynist Buddy" does so-and-so.

The show is getting progressively more staged, but I DO like Buddy (except for his whole world view thing about women, of course.)

The Ace of Cakes is completely awesome. All his people are artists, and you're right, they get along incredibly well. Is there something in their cakes...or brownies perhaps?

But I love that Buddy's crew is mainly family. That builds in drama, even when there is none.