Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rachael Times 500

Rach had the 500th episode of her talk show on today. Gosh, it seems like yesterday. Actually, I have no idea what 500 shows mean in calendar years or even television seasons. Oh, it started on September 18, 2006.

Inexplicably the show opened with some acrobats doing head stands and break dance type moves all over the stage. Huh? What did that have to do with anything?

After a tribute-type introduction to Barbara Walters, RR sat down with her for a long – quite a long – chat. I didn’t mind. I hoped it would cut into the cooking segment. Barbara was funny when she said that she loved Rachael’s recipes and she made them all the time…in her head, because she doesn’t actually cook.

It’s funny how when I make Rachael Ray’s recipes in my head, I run screaming from the room.

Many taped short greetings were shown from every celebrity ever known to Western civilization and then some. Rachael promised us a fantastic interview with Matthew McConaughey . He was far too cool to come to her studio, so she went down to Texas to interview him. We were treated to the tape.

I like him well enough. Some of his movies are fantastic and he IS hot, but I have only one thing to say after his appearance on Rachael Ray’s 500th show this morning. GET THE FRICKIN’ TOOTHPICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! You’re being interviewed! There are cameras! I half expected Rachael to say, “Would you mind removing that, it’s very distracting, not to mention unhygienic.”

I kept thinking he would lean in to tell her something and scratch her face with his germy, gingivitis-ridden scrapings. EWWW! I know he’s all natural and stuff, but this was gross.

In another segment, Rachael introduced 2 audience members. One had written an email saying she wished there was a snack of the day club, so she could eat a snack right along with the studio audience as she watched Rachael.

I don’t want to be unkind, but even 4 year olds watching Romper Room didn’t think they were entitled to the juice and graham crackers on the show. This was just dumb.

Adding to the inanity, Rachael showed a cell-like space with two slaves, i.e. interns, who were packing up the exact 500 snacks they’ve had on the show to send to this viewer. What the heck is someone going to do with 500 bags of cookies and chips?

Then Rachael introduced another audience member who had been at the first show. For no discernible reason, RR gave her a 500 dollar gift card from Walmart. And to make her feel really special, the entire audience got one too. (The entire audience didn’t get the SAME one, they each got their own.) YOU too can compete with 50 million RR fans for one here.

Questions from the audience followed. James Lipton was a surprise guest and so was Rocco. Rachael made much too big a fuss over him, when he held the microphone for 2 or 3 questions. He did look really, really good, though and he brought out the cake at the end that Rachael didn’t seem that impressed with. Had she already seen it?

She did manage to sneak in one recipe, which was a chicken and rice dish. I never thought I would say this about a Rachael Ray recipe, but I completely did NOT understand this recipe.

First she toasted orzo in a pan. I thought she said this was chicken and RICE, but that wasn’t the weirdest thing. After barely having time to show us the recipe because of the festivities (which usually would be a good thing), she added RICE to the pan that already had orzo in it.

Have you ever in your entire life mixed orzo and rice IN THE SAME DISH? I just don’t get it. I know there are orzo pilaf recipes out there, but WITH rice is really strange. Plus for her 500th episode, wouldn’t you have thought that she would do something a bit more exciting? Well, I suppose I should be happy that it wasn’t her 500th meatloaf or hamburger recipe.


BenjFranklin said...

This is a great post - hilariously written and really gives anyone who didn't see The 500th Show the experience of being there. Another great entry in your great blog. Thanks for your monitoring and reporting work.

marty said...

Isn't Rice-a-Roni made out of pasta and rice? Maybe our girl Rach was trying to reinvent the wheel with her yum-o version of that infamous box of rice, pasta, preservatives and tons of salt. I commend you for watching the whole show; I can't watch her for more than a couple minutes. Hilarious post!

LK- Healthy Delicious said...

omg this is hysterical!

Cynthia said...

I have seen previous interview MM and the toothpick in his mouth. I think that it is outright rude. Come on man, not because you're a celebrity it means that you cannot conform to civilized behaviour.

DebCarol said...

This post had me laughing out loud. Yes her show is inexlicable and oddly disconnected. But there is always "and THAT'S what for dinner tonight", to look forward to. Didn't see the 500th show but saw one recently where she made onion dip pizza. Yikes.

Sue said...

Will you marry me?

Hi Marty,
I am really, really embarrassed to say I never realized that before, but of course, you're exactly right! But since I REFUSED to ever even taste Rice-a-Roni when my mother made it, I never even thought about why it had that name. I wonder why Rachael didn't mention that. And, now, it's all clear why she would make such a wierd, crappy dish - to mirror a weird crappy boxed dish.

Thanks LK,
RR can always be counted on for some laughs.

I agree. It's great to be casual and relaxed, but oral hygiene has no place on a television interview, except maybe a video made for dental students.

Hi DC,
Thanks for your kind words. That pizza sounds like it should be outlawed.

Emily said...

Haha, I love reading your posts AND your comments. You have the funniest readers. Onion Dip Pizza - ahahah. Hilarious.

Matthew McConaughey is a dirty man. I bet he showers maybe once a week.

Sue said...

DC wasn't kidding about the Onion Dip Pizza, although it does sound like a joke:

If MM didn't have those abs...