Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Let's Es-Cape From Sandra Lee

Sem-Eye Homemade with Sandra Lee

Baseball Tailgate

Cheesesteak Subs
Drunken Floats
Grilled Shrimp Skewers Marinated in an Orange-Champagne Vinaigrette
Very Berry Cream Cups

To get the recipes:
Click here

Did you know that Sandra Lee gets THIRTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS
a speech? I was flabbergasted, so I thought maybe her show deserved a closer look and I decided to watch the "Baseball Tailgate" episode.

Sandy starts the show off in cute (or vomitrocious, depending on your perspective) braids. She's rooting for her nephews at the baseball field, one of whom is in contention for the Most Home Runs for the state of Washington, so she's making lunch for the kids and I guess whomever else is around.

She starts with the shrimp, which are going to be marinated in a Vinegar-Ette. Actually, Sandy, it's Vin-Ah-Grette. She opens the Italian seasoning, her miracle seasoning...why, because it's a miracle that you're still alive after ingesting so much artificial-ness in one lifetime? She's using 1 tablespoon. What do you do with the rest? Oh, I guess it's not a problem, because it will last into the next millennium. She adds champagne vinegar, I really thought it was cooking wine for a second, and "orange olive oil". What is that? It looks like you would polish your piano with it. Now wait a minute, upon closer perusal, there does look to be some pretty great stuff sold as
orange olive oil. Of course, it's probably not what Sandra is using, but it's out there.

The grill is preheating and her voice is really croaky, because she was yelling during yesterday's game. She finishes the marinade and adds fresh shrimp. She tells us you can get them "where they sell seafood in the grocery store." What does that mean?! Where else would you get them??? Oooohhh, I know what she means. She's probably never had her viewers cook FRESH shrimp before, so they're used to shopping for her ingredients in the canned and frozen food sections of the store. They probably didn't even know you could buy FRESH shrimp.

Sandy completely coats the shrimp and then adds FRESH orange juice. (The recipe says to add it when you mix the marinade ingredients together BEFORE you add the shrimp). If she's actually using fresh orange juice, why couldn't she just have added the zest to regular olive oil and use THAT for the marinade? She says something here which is actually correct - don't let the shrimp hang out too long in the marinade, or they'll get mushy. The acid from the vinegar and OJ will "cook" them.

She strips the leaves off of rosemary branches. I guess she couldn't find those canned, or she certainly would have used them. She chops the rosemary finely and adds it to the shrimp. The shrimp gets skewered with cherry tomatoes, using the rosemary branch.

Ok, now her voice is really cracking and it's annoying.

Oooohhh, she can't wait to show us "the cutest thing that (she) created to keep the skewers warm." I wonder if it's a Shrimp Cosy*. I wouldn't put it past her. No, it's a round grill on a PLASTIC(?) tray...ok whatever, she's getting loopy now.

For the sandwiches, she takes 2 tablespoons of onion soup mix and mixes it with garlic powder, Worcestershire sauce and olive oil. Apparently, it takes quite a lot of skill to get the powder out of the package with all the different freeze dried elements included. You don't want to leave behind one chemical or another, or the flavor will suffer.

She mixes the marinade with vegetables. Then she marinates thinly sliced beef top round. The vegetables get cooked in a sauté pan that she's brought with her. (Oh, did I mention that she's preparing all this food on the sidelines of an actual ballfield? However, there isn't ONE person around, because they obviously scattered when they heard she was cooking..sort of like when toxic chemicals are released into the atmosphere).

Anyway, she puts the sauté pan right on the grill (that's the only decent idea she's had so far) and cooks the veggies in the marinade to go on top of her cheese steaks. She grills the meat quickly and gets ready to assemble her sandwiches. She mixes mayonnaise (what a smart choice of ingredient on a boiling hot day at the ball field. Let's give all the kids the runs with a limited number of Porta-Potty's around) with garlic. Nothing about that is a good idea. She spread the mayo on a sub roll, puts some meat over and covers with the vegetables. Then she tops it with "a bunch of yummy cheese". She wraps them up and puts them back on the grill to melt the cheese.

I don't even know where to begin with that recipe. First of all, you would get booted out of Philadelphia faster than Pete Rose used to put money down on a game for putting mayo on a cheesesteak. (I have personal knowledge of this, because I put mayo on everything.) AND where are the hot peppers? Where is the Ketchup? And where is the Cheese Whiz? Sorry, but that is a REAL cheesesteak. (I know Cheese Whiz is unadulterated crap, but, in this one case, it's ok, because you're not eating a cheesesteak everyday. SL uses horrible, evil ingredients all the time.)

On to dessert (good, maybe that means this'll be over soon). Sandy unwraps these little store bought shortcakes. First, she called them "shortening cakes" and I had no idea what she was talking about. She said you find them in the produce section. That figures that she wouldn't buy fresh vegetables in the produce section, but rather spongy calorie-laden nutrient-free cakes.

This recipe was her 10 year old niece Stephanie's idea. I don't think it's nice to blame a child, no matter how awful it is. She grills the cakes. That's not a terrible idea, if only they were decent cakes.

Sandy assembles the filling. Oh, this is not good...She's mixing together Cool Whip, Pudding Cups and thawed frozen fruit. We have really crossed over to the dark side. I can honestly say I have NEVER "cooked", or whatever the word is to describe what she's doing, with Cool Whip. SL is putting together a dessert that is NOTHING BUT CRAP. (The frozen fruit is ok, but not after it's been mixed with all that junk). I love my country, but this could be the key to what is so very wrong with America today. Does anyone REALLY use PUDDING CUPS in a recipe? And if she says PUDDING CUPS one more time, I'll REALLY lose it.

Let's get this over with. After grilling the cakes, she fill them with spoonfuls of gunge or "wonderful berry cream" according to her. She puts a berry on top and OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW, she's squeezing some strawberry syrup over, just because there wasn't enough artificial garbage on them already.

She's "popping" the dessert on the "softball-scape". She finishes with 2 "cocktails". For the kids, it's vanilla ice cream, root beer and, just for good measure, some chocolate syrup for their poor little bloated bellies filled to capacity with unnatural flavors, colors and sweeteners. The adults get vanilla ice cream, root beer and vanilla vodka. Is that really such a good idea, when they're ferrying car loads of youngsters around?

We move on to the table-scape, which to my mind, DOES mirror the food that's sitting on it. It's a bunch of wasteful scraps of paper, cut into baseball shapes that could go right into the garbage can, just like the food, or really should never have been "created" in the first place.

We never find out if her nephew won the trophy for the Most Home Runs. I guess that means he didn't, but at least, he had a 4000 calorie meal from Aunt Sandy.

* Ha Ha, fooled you. You didn't actually think there was such a thing as a "Shrimp Cosy", did you, but roosters are pretty kitschy.


K. McDaniel said...

Sue, this article almost made me pee my pants! It is my first time on your website and I already added it to my favorites.Thank you!!
PS I am the same lady who complaint about Simply delicioso or simple stupido!!

Sue said...

Welcome again. They're really two peas in a pod, aren't they?