The Rest Of "25 Things You Didn't Know About TV Chefs"

I’m baaack with the rest of the list of the Top Things You Didn’t Know About TV Chefs, including one very fascinating fact that I promised you.

No. 14 One Famous TV Kitchen Is Museum Quality
Oh, for goodness sake, everyone knows that one. Julia’s kitchen is in the Smithsonian.

No. 13 There’s No Easy Recipe For Becoming A TV Chef
They said there’s not one way to become the next Rachael Ray. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT! Plus culinary competition shows have become popular. What great insight…

No. 12 Even Iron Chef Judges Have To Watch The Clock
Ted says he takes it very seriously and they are only allowed to discuss the food at the the moment of judging. If they get up from the table, as I guess they have to occasionally in the hours it takes to shoot, the judges are prohibited from conversing about the food. Alton says the entire judging process takes about 2 hours.

No. 11 TV Chefs Always Know What To Say
Mario says he has no teleprompter and no script and he mentions that he has won 970 shows. Is that possible? Is he joshing us? Gordon says his show is real. Emeril says there’s no script. Nigella says it’s quite informal and avoids scripted shows. They obviously have sooo run out of good categories…

No. 10 You’ll Never Catch Rachel (STILL misspelt) Ray In A Chef’s Uniform
GEE, I WONDER WHY…
This earnest food stylist says, “Some of the people on TV really can’t wear a chef’s jackets, because they’re not chefs.” In classic understatement, she says Rachael Ray is a perfect example of that. Yeah, honey, of that AND the bastardization of the Food Network.

This stylist goes on to tell us that there is a history and honor behind the chef’s jacket and the toque. (RR should wear a skullcap, in that case.) The more pleats in the chef’s hat, the more knowledge and skill the chef has, she said. Others say it signifies the number of ways there are to cook an egg. C’mon, you didn’t know that, did you?

No. 9 Catch Phrases Can Make TV Chefs Even More Popular
WAIT, let me guess: Bam! from Emeril; Bon Appétit from Julia, Yum-O (Yucko) from RR and Pour me another one! from Aunt Sandy.

These are the brilliant ones this show came up with:
Rachael – EVOO
Emeril - Bam!

They’re not even trying!

No. 8 Coming Up With Recipes Is A Team Effort
We already learned that Emeril has 130 people working on Emeril Live. Bobby has a team of 3 people to taste his recipes and help him improve them. Giada has someone to help her test recipes, but she writes them all. And other chefs have other people doing the recipes. THAT is a lame one, but I promise you the exciting one is coming up.

No. 7 For The Right Price, A TV Chef Can Cook For You
Really? The food stylist person says they get an appearance fee of 50 to 100 thousand dollars when they show up to places. I hope tat includes ingredients.

No. 6 Gordon Ramsey Is A Step Ahead Of The Game
Okay, here it is…the big one. I didn’t know this and it’s very impressive. More than his prodigious culinary skills or his wretched television persona, Gordon Ramsey has size 15 feet!!! And you know what they say about that, don’t you? Big Feet… click here.

Now admit it, that was worth waiting for, wasn’t it?

No. 5 It’s Not Just The Heat In The Kitchen For One TV Chef
Oh gosh, they gave Rocco his very own number. THAT is not necessary.

After we followed Rocco for 2 years (was it actually on for 2 whole seasons?), he got sued by his former partner. I’m not sure what took Jeffrey so long. After all, there was weekly proof ON TELEVISION that Rocco wasn’t in the kitchen cooking.

He WAS running things, though --- his hands through his thick mane of hair, or down the back of some model, but cooking? Not so much. His ego was even bigger than his malfeasance. Rocco says they battled over “the vision of the restaurant." It was more that Jeffrey (no shrinking violet himself) wanting an actual restaurant that served actual customers and Rocco wanted a platform for his celebrity.

The food stylist says she knew when she first saw “The Restaurant” that the show wasn’t going to do Rocco any good, because it “was so pushed to the limit TV.” How about because it showed Rocco as a total blowhard? I’m not sure “There’s no such thing as bad publicity” is true.

No. 4 Even The Pros Make A Mess In The Kitchen
Rachael set bread on fire. Oh, I guess that’s where her phobia about toast comes from. Gordon says he’s made thousands of mistakes. He once sent out a duck covered in pastry without the duck. (THAT was a new bit of information.) Giada says when something burns, they laugh AND cry about it. Who can forget (which they don’t mention) Julia always cutting her fingers and the subsequent lampooning on SNL?

No. 3 Jamie Oliver Teaches Kids A Trade
I knew this too. They did give us a fabulous look as Jamie took kids, not destined for much more than the dole, and got them involved in a culinary education which would actually give them a trade. He opened a nonprofit restaurant called Fifteen to give them jobs. Plus they mentioned his campaigning to ban junk food in the schools.

No. 2 For Some Cooking Shows Location Is Everything
How is that a surprise that a travel and cooking show is all about location?!! This really is a knuckleheaded list.

The chefs have a final say on which location they visit. Giada says it’s a collaboration and the producers present her with a list from which to choose. Tony is more brash, “We go where I want to go. We do NOT go where I don’t want to go.” I guess this is what the earlier quote “What’s the one thing Tony Bourdain won’t do on his show?” refers to…

Here we are at number one. DumDeeDumDum…or just plain dumb:

No. 1 TV Chefs Rarely Cook At Home
Bobby says that’s true, that chefs probably order in more than they cook at home. I thought part of Rachael’s shtick was that she always went home…at 10 or 11 at night…and cooked dinner for herself and her husband. Giada says there is NO WAY that she cooks at home after a 15 hour day.

That was a pretty poor list. I can come up with a bunch of much better provocative facts about TV chefs:

Bobby got his start as a male model on New York City subway billboards.
Michael was a typing teacher in Chino, before going into the kitchen.
Nigella and Paul McCartney were involved for years.
Tyler played Bobby’s best friend and Cindy’s first boyfriend on The Brady Bunch.
Ina is secretly a real estate titan and owns the George V Hotel in Paris.

Of course none of those is true, but when did that ever stop anyone from printing anything? AND they’re a whole bunch more interesting than the “facts” on this dumb show.

The Today Show Covers Radon in Granite Countertops...Finally

Some of us have been worrying about this for weeks. The Today Show just got around to it this morning. The conclusion of their reporting is pretty much what we've learned elsewhere a while ago. SOME granite CAN be high in radon, but most of it probably isn't. The only way to be sure is to get it tested.

They did highlight the dangers IF the granite is emitting high levels of radon or radiation and said that the granite industry is looking into pretesting every piece of granite that’s sold.

My question still is why consumers didn’t know about all of this. The entire time I was shopping for granite, over 5 years ago, I never heard a word about any dangers. I was just thrilled to be getting this gorgeous stone in my house. I absolutely would have had it screened for radon or only bought it from a place that did testing, if I had known there was an issue.

Getting granite with a Permashield type coating (that's the only way Home Depot sells it nowadays) supposedly can protect against radon exposure and resealing your countertops regularly, if they aren't permashielded, also can. But if you're worried, get it tested or test it yourself. The best way, which I didn't do, is to run a simultaneous test in the basement. THAT'S where the most radon probably is in your house and you can compare it to what's coming off your countertops in the kitchen.

So, Today Show, thanks a lot, but you're a little late.

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About TV Chefs, But Were Afraid To Ask

Does everyone get this weird "TV Guide" station? It has television listings scrolling on the bottom third of the screen the entire time you're trying to watch whatever they're showing.

The other night they had a program on that I’m sure EVERY fan of food television would have been interested in…had it been on a real channel. It was called 25 Things You Didn't Know About TV Chefs. I was very excited and got ready to settle into a riveting hour, yup a whole hour’s worth of juicy tidbits about our favorite food celebrities. Here’s what I learned:

We learned right off the bat that Anthony Bourdain is milking his fame for what it’s worth - HE said that - and that Nigella was a journalist for most of her working life. That last one was part of the first category:

No. 25 Not All TV Chefs Started In The Kitchen
Gordon – soccer
Nigella – journalist
RR – buyer

No. 24 There’s No 30 Minute Meals For TV Chefs
Giada says to shoot one half hour show, it takes about 15 hours.
Nigella shoots 1 episode in 3 days.
Emeril says he has 130 people (!!!) working on Emeril Live.

No. 23 Even TV Chefs Can Be Picky Eaters
Bobby doesn’t like lentils.
RR hates mayonnaise. Whoop-Dee-Doo!

Okay, I’m getting the feeling that this is a less than well researched show. I think they pulled together quotes from celebrity magazines and red carpet interviews and got a bunch of interns to put this together. There MUST be something interesting that we’re going to learn.

No. 22 It’s Not Always Fine Dining For One TV Chef
Tony will consume anything he has to - eyeballs included. Emeril likes real food, he says he’s not going to eat rattlesnakes.

No. 21 TV Chefs Don’t Make Food Look Good
Food stylists do, and you don’t always want to eat what they’ve styled. They showed how a chicken is made to look juicy and brown. It’s spray tanned with Kitchen Bouquet while it’s still mostly raw, and not only would you not want to eat it, you probably wouldn’t recover for days, if you did.

We learn incidentally that Nigella loves Mario.

No. 20 Famous TV Chefs Get The Best Table In The House
Tony says he could walk into any restaurant in the world and eat well. Julia could too, on account of professional courtesy. Gordon says he never flexes his muscles outside of his “zone”. That’s probably a relief to his fellow chefs.

No. 19 One TV Chef Is Part Of The Law And Order Family
Stephanie March is married to Bobby and he’s been on Law and Order SVU.They were introduced by Mariska Hargitay. Whoa, that’s a big one. Is there one thing here that you didn’t know?!! I’m still waiting…

No. 18 People Have Voted For Their Sexiest TV Chef
This is getting just plain dumb. The sixth graders they had think up these categories should go back to school for another decade or so. (Actually, that’s an insult to 6th graders, who are much more on the ball.)

One stylist said TV chefs are sexy and they have HUGE…what in the world is she going to say? Oh, followings.

DAVE Lieberman is one example. Oh, come on! Next they mention Rocco. Puleez! What about Tyler? Giada? Bobby?

No. 17 One TV Chef Would Like To Thank The Academy
Obviously, they’re talking about Wolfgang Puck. He’s in charge of feeding 1600 at the Governor’s Ball. I thought this was supposed to be stuff we didn’t know. They have 600 waiters in the dining room (I guess there are a lot of actors NOT out of work that night) and 200 people in the kitchen. Wolfgang has been doing The Governor’s Ball for 12 years.

No. 16 One TV Show Made Rachael Ray A Household Name
(THEY spelled her name Rachel. That’s rich!) She made an appearance on the Today Show and The Food Network signed her up. EVERYBODY knows that and it’s been written about everywhere, including here.

There’s a tease for “What’s the one thing Tony Bourdain won’t do on his show?

No. 15 Bobby Flay Likes To Horse Around
Bobby owns thoroughbred race horses. FINALLY, something I didn’t know. They didn’t say he RIDES them. They said he owns them.

Okay, kids, (who do I sound like?) enough for one day. You’ll have to keep tuning in for the rest of the list, including the TOP TEN Things You Didn’t Know About TV Chefs. And I promise you there is ONE truly noteworthy thing on the list…one that I didn't know and that I think you'll find intriguing.

Love Ya, Aaron, But Keep Your Canned Pie Filling To Yourself

Big Daddy’s House with Aaron McCargo

Keep me in Bed
Super-Stuffed French Toast
Eggscellent Bean and Beef Burrito
Big Daddy Parfait
Getcha Goin' Grits

Aaron’s making breakfast, something special for his wife. He’s making a bean and beef burrito. (That’s a rather substantial start to the day. If he brings her all that food in bed, he may need a crane to get her out of there.)

He puts refried bean into a bowl with a bit of sour cream and then zaps it for 2 minutes in the microwave. He shows us 6 eggs in a big bowl. He chops a small onion and a poblano pepper finely along with some garlic.

Aaron opens up one pound of hamburger meat. He heats oil in a pan and adds the meat. It hits the pan with a big sizzle. He stirs it around and adds the vegetables with a lot of seasoning.

Aaron adds pepper to the eggs and whips them, telling us the more air you whip into them the fluffier they’ll be. He snips in some chives for “hidden onion flavor and eye appeal”. He adds a little oil to a nonstick pan. He pours in one ladle worth of beaten eggs and twists and turns the pan to makes crêpes. “Eggs, like my wife in the morning need(s) to be handled gently.” He says to get the egg crêpe as close to the edge as possible and then he flips it beautifully.

“Let’s start building this bad boy.” Oh, this reminds me of an absolutely fantastic Julia recipe – I call it crêpe pie. Julia made a gâteau by stacking up crêpes in a buttered soufflé dish, alternating different fillings made from all kinds of bits and pieces. I often use leftover chicken in a white sauce and then a piperade type of thing with onions and peppers sautéed with diced tomatoes. I top the whole thing with another crêpe and then cover it with a Mornay sauce and bake it and serve it in wedges. I often use tortillas instead of crêpes or sometimes I use eggs, like Aaron is doing. It’s fantastic!

Back to Aaron, he’s making a variation of a traditional burrito. He places tortillas on a board and spoons some refried beans in the middle. Then he adds some meat on top and then Colby cheese. He brings in the sides and rolls it up from the bottom. Then Aaron rolls the whole thing in an egg pancake. He places it on a dish and tops it with more cheese. (Wasn’t there a Taco Bell-something like this, which was a tortilla wrapped around a taco?)

It goes into the microwave for 3 minutes. He puts a little salsa down the middle and a dollop of sour cream on each one. He garnishes it with some long pieces of chives. He tastes and exclaims “Baby, I know why you love me.”

I would have preferred if he had scrambled the eggs and added them to the inside of the tortilla, and just completely forgot about the meat. But I guess he knows the Mrs.

He moves on to super stuffed French toast. He starts with fresh ½ inch slices of brioche. He mixes together 6 jumbo eggs, with a lot of vanilla - 2 tablespoons for 6 eggs - ¼ cup heavy cream, a heavy teaspoon of cinnamon, ¼ cup sugar and a pinch of salt.

Just a minute, here, folks. WHY is Aaron using jumbo eggs? Remember how we always have the same issue with Ina with extra large eggs? Here’s the chart again. It doesn’t even HAVE 6 jumbo eggs on it. Luckily, for this recipe the measurement isn’t critical. I would just use 7 or 8 large eggs.

Okay, this is not good…what’s about to happen. I’ll tell you in a sec. He beats the eggs. He brushes the eggs around the edges of half of the pieces of bread. He presses the center down to make a bit of an indentation. THEN, this is the bad part, he puts 3 spoonfuls of CANNED CHERRY PIE FILLING in the center. He tops it with a slice of the brioche which has been brushed with the egg. He presses the whole thing together.

He repeats the same thing with APPLE canned pie filling. Then he dips the entire assembly into the eggs to coat the outside. Aaron places them on a hot griddle. Oh, that’s a panini press type griddle. He cooks them for 6 to 8 minutes. He smears the syrup from the cans on the plate and plates the French toast. He covers them with powdered sugar that’s been mixes with cinnamon. He garnishes with strawberries and a mint leaf.

Okay, let’s get real here. Cooking canned pie filling between 2 pieces of bread is NOT what I signed up for in watching this show. I don’t mind fast. I don’t mind easy. But I do mind CRAP.

For his grits, Aaron heats 1½ cups water and 1½ cups milk with a pinch of salt over medium high heat in a covered saucepan. He places the container of instant grits near the stove to be at the ready.

Aaron dices 4 or 5 slices of bacon. He’s using it as a salt and fat substitute. He chops ½ onion very finely (and very nicely) and slices scallions. He adds the bacon to a hot pan. He renders the fat and then adds the onions. The bacon starts to get crispy. He adds black pepper.

He stirs 1½ cups of grits into the boiling liquid. He cuts a huge amount of American cheese off a huge block and dices it into small cubes. He adds it to the grits and stirs well. He adds the bacon mixture, which looks particularly good and stirs in the scallions. He pours it into a bowl. To add a bit of color, he slices some pepper rings and fits a bouquet of parsley inside them to garnish the plate.

There was a really good Scotch Brite commercial about 2 guys that have their own Iron Chef cook off and use the occasion to raise money for something or other. They were charming. Plus the food looked good (monkfish) and the loser gets to clean the kitchen with Scotch Brite sponges. Here's another really funny one.

Back to Aaron, he’s finishing up with a parfait. He grabs a huge martini glass. He drains yogurt through paper towels. I prefer cheesecloth. “This is going to be a dance party in your mouth when we’re done.” He prepares fruit, lots of fruit - 1½ pints of strawberries, blackberries, bananas and blueberries. He zests an orange and adds it to ¼ cup coconut flakes and some sugar. He chops up pineapple.

To assemble, Aaron adds granola to the bottom of the dish, then yogurt, then fruit, yogurt, granola, blackberries, yogurt and finally blueberries and then strawberries and bananas. He sprinkles over the coconut mixture. He mixes whipped cream with the pineapple and spoons that on top and tops the whole thing with a strawberry and mint. “It’s a circus” after he tastes.

Wait, there’s more bad news. I check the tape, because I thought I spied something strange. Yup, there it is. I check the recipe and it says, “1 (8-ounce) container whipped cream (recommended: Cool Whip) “ Cool Whip can only be “recommended” if you’re making a list of things to be banished from the face of the earth, not to use with 5 pounds of fresh gorgeous fruit. There is no reason in the entire world to use Cool Whip. If this trend continues, I may have to reconsider the potential of Ms. “Fine-Dining” as a cooking show host.

Aaron ends the show with, “I told you I was gonna make you want what I got, but the only way you’re gonna get it is to make it yourself.” Fair enough, but I’m leaving out the Cool Whip and canned pie filling.

There IS One Acceptable Use For Pimentos

In a post last week complaining about Robin's dull recipes, I completely dissed her use of roasted red peppers and remarked that I detest pimentos. I forgot that there is one place that I do find them acceptable; and that's in the center of olives to be used in Chicken Marbella – the now classic chicken, prune and caper recipe from the original Silver Palate Cookbook. They don't specifically say to use them, but they add a bit of red that's really dashing. Aside from that, my pimento ban stands!

BTW,
if you’ve never tried Chicken Marbella, YOU MUST. It sounds weird, especially mixing prunes with capers and THEN sprinkling over brown sugar before cooking the whole thing, but it is really divine.

I don’t follow the recipe exactly, I just throw in handfuls of what’s called for. And you certainly don’t need to use 10 pounds of chicken! But do double the chicken you think you need, because it’s soooo good the next day.

Plus even if I’m using a lot less chicken than what’s called for in the recipe, I only halve all the other goodies, because they’re so delicious. The recipe calls for one cup of prunes, for example, but I always use at least ½ cup, no matter how little chicken I’m making. Oh, and don’t bother with the oil. I haven’t missed it once in the 17,000 times I’ve made this.

Serve it with orzo to sop up the amazing juices from all those strange things together. Questions?

Video Games and Cooking Go Hand in Hand

Not only can we follow Iron Chef America on television, but soon we’ll be able to enjoy it interactively as well. Iron Chef America: Supreme Cuisine is hitting the Nintendo Wii and DS racks this fall. 3 Iron Chefs are participating – Mario Batali, Morimoto and Cat Cora, plus Alton Brown will be featured in his commentator role.

The Iron Chefs seem super hero-like at times, so I think this could be an awesome video experience. Here one could channel one’s aggression into chiffonading some exotic leafy greens or beating eggs to within an inch of their lives. And I’m sure the Iron Chefs themselves will have some wild moves, wielding knives and slurping sauces. As for Alton…I wonder if we’ll notice a difference between the game version and the real one…

Michael Plans A Picnic, Plus WHY Can’t I Get Rachael Ray Out Of My Mind? And How To Hard Boil Eggs

To my mind, there have been two major glory days of the Food Network. The first was the introduction of Emeril, Mario and Bobby…Tyler, too, should be included in that group.

The next was just a little bit ago - glorious Ina, great Michael and gorgeous Giada. Luckily, 2 of those three are still around. They trot out Michael leftovers at improbable times, currently weekdays at 11:30am, but they’re still among the best offerings on the Food Network today. (He’s also on the Fine Living Network.)
I needed a quality food television fix as an antidote to sullying myself with a Rachael Ray recipe the other day (no matter that it turned out basically okay), so I tuned into this episode:

Easy Entertaining with Michael Chiarello

Gone Fishin Picnic
Pappa al Pomodoro
Corn on the Cobb Salad Wrap with Grilled Onion Blue Cheese Dressing
Aqua Fresca di Frutta

Michael is rowing on a gorgeous lake. He wearing a cute fishing vest. Which “winery lake” is he talking about, I wonder?

Back on dry land, he picks out some cheese from a well stocked shop.

In the kitchen, Michael starts the grilled onions that will go into his dressing. He cuts off both ends from large onions and slices them into ½ inch thick pieces. He puts them on a baking sheet and brushes them with olive oil (no Pam for him!) and salts and peppers both sides. He grills them on a stove top griddle for 4 minutes on each side.

For the blue cheese dressing, he mixes together lots of mayo with 1 cup of sour cream and one cup of buttermilk. He seasons it with 1 teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, salt and pepper. (He turns down the heat under the onions.) He whisks in 12 oz. of “the best blue cheese you can find” and a couple tablespoons of olive oil.

He chops up the, by now absolutely gorgeous, grilled onions, and stirs them into the dressing. Wow!!! He pours the dressing into 3 plastic containers, 2 for his picnic and 1 for to save for later. That would be great alongside grilled flank steak and spooned onto big baked potatoes. Into the fridge they go.

Next up is a fruit water that he learned from Latin friends in the restaurant business. For the Aqua Fresca di Frutta, Michael slices the ends off of a big watermelon. He stands it up on one end and works his knife down the sides to remove the peel. He slices and dices it into large pieces.

He processes the watermelon in the food processor until the mixture is coarse, but not until completely smooth or the seeds will get bitter. He strains the liquid and adds ½ cup of sugar (optional). He adds a pinch of grey salt, fresh lime juice and 1½ cups of water to stretch it a bit. Michael pours the finished fruit water into cute plastic bottles and into the fridge.

Michael picks eggs from a hen. He’s going to hard boil them for a salad wrap. Let’s see if his way is the same as mine.

He puts 3 eggs in cold water. OOPS! It’s different already. He says to bring them just to the boil, turn them off, cover the pot and leave them for 15 minutes; then plunge them ice water. I hate that method. As Democrats say about John McCain, you can like the man, but hate his policies: I LOVE Michael, but hate his way of hard boiling eggs.

Ina does this too, but curiously she boils them for 5 minutes and leaves them for only 5 minutes. This is what I said about her approach. The same applies to Michael’s:

I don't like this method. I think the time it takes for the water to come to the boil can vary so much from stove to stove that I prefer my own foolproof way. I bring a big pot of water to the boil. I pour in a smidgen of vinegar (white or apple cider vinegar), which will set the white immediately if an egg should crack. Then, very carefully I lower the eggs into the water. After the water comes back to the boil, I cook the eggs for exactly 11 minutes. Then I plunge them into a bowl of ice and water. Voila - perfectly cooked eggs.

Michael’s grilling chicken for his wraps. He seasons boneless chicken breasts with the skin still on. I guess we’ll be doing our own boning.* Actually, the recipe says SKINLESS chicken breasts.

He reminds us to season them on BOTH sides “always, always, always” and he “hits” them (WHY am I using a Rachaelism HERE – when I’m with a King Of Cuisine?) with a bit of olive oil, also on both sides. They go onto a hot grill pan, which reminds me of the concept that as long as you oil the food, you don’t have to oil the grill or spray it with Pam.

He cooks the chicken 4 to 5 minutes on each side. He turns off the boiling eggs. He fishes them out and places them in an ice water bath. He breaks one open to prove to us that there are no grey lines in the yolk.

MC dices the chicken into big pieces and breaks up the yolks and chops the whites.

He tells us his next dish is not really a soup, and it’s not really a salad, but something in between. Why do I hear “Stoup, Stoup” echoing in my brain?!! Make it stop! OMG, I’m just scared that Rachael has infiltrated the American psyche, MY psyche!, to the point where I’ll be thinking WWRD? WWRD?

Concentrate, that’s what I have to do. Concentrate on Michael’s steady hand as he guides us faultlessly through his recipes.

He chops an onion and tells us how Italian cooking is about preserving fresh food to have it later, like prosciutto or olives; or preserving leftovers to serve them again in a different guise. This Pappa al Pomodoro is basically a leftover tomato sauce served the next day in a different way.

Michael dices the onion in the beautiful classic way and adds 3 tablespoons of olive oil and 2 sliced garlic cloves to a pan. He adds the onions and tossy tosses the pan. Gosh, I miss that. NO ONE does a better toss than Michael Chiarello. He adds a bit of salt and then chopped tomatoes. He brings it up to the boil.

He pours 2 cups of water over ½ pound of stale ciabatta (with the crust). He works that together and tears the bread up over the tomatoes with the water. He cooks it until the bread is completely incorporated, about 7 or 8 minutes. MC says you shouldn’t be able to tell where the bread ends and the tomatoes start. He adds a cup of chopped basil, pepper, and some fancy schmancy olive oil. He simmers it for 10 minutes more.

After a break, we come back to that shop and see the prosciutto being sliced (beautifully). He puts EVOO in the pan. (DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?” Things are worse than I thought.)

Michael shows us his bundt pan trick of getting corn off the cob, so that "you don’t have a yard sale of corn kernels”. He places the shucked ear in the center of bundt pan, which holds it in place. Then he cuts down the ear on all sides and the pan catches all the corn, so it doesn’t spray everywhere. Very clever.

The prosciutto stops making noise in the pan. Michael says it's just like when kids are playing in the other room and suddenly you don’t hear anything. He checks them and moves them around a bit. (The prosciutto, not the kids.)

He adds the corn to a big rectangular plastic container tipping it into the corner and pushing it into place with watercress. He adds the chicken and then the eggs and then diced romaine lettuce. The prosciutto gets quiet again, he takes it off.

Michael dices avocados and tomatoes and mixes in lime juice. That goes into the container with sliced iceberg lettuce. The prosciutto goes in last and because it’s filled up so tight, nothing will move. For seasoning, he mixes grey salt and pepper together.

He packs up the Pappa al Pomodoro into little containers, sprinkles some cheese over and tops it with a tiny bit of EVOO. I can’t stop.

He's even bringing warms towels. He pours boiling water over towels in another plastic container. He folds them tightly and wraps each one in foil, and replaces the lid. He packs everything up.

THAT is some spread. Most people would be lucky to get a hard pretzel and some Gulden’s, so this will be deluxe.

Over at the lake, there’s Michael in his little vest and geeky fishing hat. He’s so cute. He seems to have picked up these random young folks to join him.

Michael says he has a great ant repellent - peppercorns, chili powder OR cinnamon. He sprinkles cinnamon on the ground all around the blanket. For mosquitoes, he says to put basil around the perimeter. Then he starts zesting a lemon all around their picnic spot. He’s kind of like the goofy uncle at every family gathering.

He fills tortillas with lettuces, avos and tomatoes, chicken, prosciutto bits and a little dressing. He folds one side over, then the bottom, then the top and rolls tight. His guests all take BIG bites. They like the aqua fresca and the tomato soup. He presents them with the warm towels. They’re all happy.

The only misstep of this episode was that that huge chicken wrap was much too big a lunch for their relatively small outlay of energy. All they did was fish for five minutes. Why not hike around the lake a bit, or at least stroll to the water and back? It would probably make the food even more Yum-O. Oh gosh, what is happening to me?

*My kids find it incredibly funny, when I talk about chicken and boning. I can’t imagine what they’re thinking, but whenever I bring up BONING a chicken, much hilarity ensues. They implore me to use the expression “DEBONING a chicken” instead.